A Little Bit of Everything in C-Bus

There Will Be Rest

2012-01-16T14:27:00.000-08:00

I have lost 2 grandparents in a month. I always had a hunch that my grandparents were going to go around the same time. It's kind of hard to talk about them collectively because they both meant very different things to me.

My grandpa died around 2 am on the night after Christmas. When I came downstairs that morning and my mom told me that he had passed I had this immense sense of relieve because he had so many health problems and I felt like now he was finally at peace. I don't remember much of my grandfather, he was a very private man and honestly he scared me sometimes. He was 9o when he passed so he was already quite old when I was born and I don't have many memories of him playing with us or anything. I remember he did tickle us all the time when we were little and call us "whipper-snappers" "cuckoo-birds" and "scally-wags". I think that in many ways I get my desire for solitude sometimes from him, my private nature. My distance. When I cried for him at his service I think it was mourning the man the I felt like I never got to know. It's hard to realize that there may have been a chance for me to talk with him, learn about him, and I just didn't. He never made it easy and he sure didn't seem approachable but it's still just sad to think of the connections that I didn't make. He died with my uncle by his side- my uncle said he seemed restless at first but towards the end he seemed peaceful. My favorite memory of Poppi, my grandfather, was how he listened to me practice. He always had a radio on at all times, but after their house burned down a few years ago I was practicing in the house that they temporarily moved into while the other house was being reconstructed. I wasn't playing anything special, just keeping my lip in shape over break. I just remember walking out and my dad coming up to me in the living room and saying, "Poppi was listening to you. He turned his radio off to listen." I don't know why that meant so much to me. Maybe it's because I felt like he was interested, and he was listening to my voice, my vulnerability. Maybe it was because I felt like he was proud of me. Whatever it was, that was a beautiful moment of connection between me and my grandfather. I won't forget that. And I won't forget how he used to change his radio to the classical station when we visited.

My Grandma Joan passed away this morning at 7 am. She suffered a massive stroke this past weekend and was taken to the hospital. They gave her some medication that was supposed to unclot the clot that had caused her stroke. Instead of helping, it made her brain bleed, which in turn put pressure on it to the point where she stopped breathing. They put her on a respirator. Her pupils were fixed in different dilations....she wasn't going to get better. There was no coming back from this. They waited for all of her children to get there, and then they pulled the plug. She died with her 4 children and husband by her side. My Grandma Joan meant a lot to me. My mom got very sick when I was born and it was my Grandma Joan and Poppop that really took care of me during that time because my dad had to work. She would always do nice things for me, slip me money or presents. I was just looking at a book called "42 Gifts I'd Like to Give to You"...she taught me about the rosary and about FAITH. The rosary she gave me for my first holy communion is one of my most treasured possessions. She sang to me. She played with me. She loved me. Her death is hard for me because now I know there is going to be a hole where she was. When she started getting really sick while I was in high school she wrote me a note saying how sorry she was she couldn't make it to my orchestra concerts. I remember crying about it and hugging her. She always said she wanted to outlive her mother, and sure enough she did. Her birthday was on December 2oth, and she went into the hospital about a week later. Then this happened.

Over the break, I went and visited her in the hospital. We talked in a way that we really never talked before. I think to some extent we both had a feeling that this was the last time we would see each other. There was a sweetness and a sincerity in our interaction...I don't know. She was sleeping when I walked in and when she woke up the look in her eyes....I just remember feeling like I was totally and completely loved. I was safe. We talked about my grandpa's funeral, and how Irish Catholics deal with things more emotionally. We talked about Midwest and how I remembered her singing in Lithuanian to me when I was little. She told me a few stories about when she was younger. There was this peace about her.... I don't know how to explain it. It was almost like this gold light I felt around her. I asked her if she was scared at all...she said no. She said she had lived a good life and that she trusted God with whatever was on the other side. After about 45 minutes she was having trouble following conversation and was getting tired so I told her I loved her, kissed her, and said I'll see you in March over spring break.

I still don't know how I'm dealing, right now I think I'm repressing a lot until I get home. You know, people say they're sorry and it helps, but they don't know her. And not to be a douche, but I don't really want to hear other people's stories about how they can relate right now. Normally I am all ears for how they are hurting and looking to help them, but that doesn't help me right now. I want to be with my family more than anything, to talk about Grandma Joan and cry hysterically and laugh about her grouchy moments. I want a hug from my mom and my sister. I want to be able to just mourn. My grandma meant so much to me....as much as I knew this day was coming I was really hoping it wouldn't. I know she is at peace now, but there is this hole now where she used to live. That's hard. That's really freaking hard. I just hope I made it clear how much I loved her. How much I STILL love her and will ALWAYS love her.

I have no grand interpretation of what life means. I have no conclusive thought to bring this all together except that as depressing as death is, it is also very beautiful. It seems to bring out the memories of what you really want to remember and say, "here, take this. Hold onto these moments." I think there is a certain grace in death, a certain otherworldliness at least when the person is old and it is "their time". I just can't believe she's gone.

There will be rest, and sure stars shining
Over the roof-tops crowned with snow,
A reign of rest, serene forgetting,
The music of stillness holy and low.I will make this world of my devising
Out of a dream in my lonely mind.
I shall find the crystal of peace, – above me
Stars I shall find.

5 months later...

2011-12-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

As you all can see it's been quite some time since I posted. Honestly, sometimes I can't believe everything that's happened. I have given a kick-ass recital, left the horn studio, mentally changed majors at least 3 times, been reaffirmed, been broken down, been built back up again.
I have met those that I have grown to love and I have had to let go of some of them.
I have begun listening to my dreams again.

Quite frankly, I am still on the road to being OK. Not quite there yet at all, but making progress. But hey, it's the journey not the destination right?

In other news, people are awesome. I love getting to know all these people that have been surrounding me for so long but who I never really got to know. Midwest was an AWESOME opportunity for that. It was also a huge affirmation that music is the path for me. It is no longer my escape, but something that makes me feel connected to everything and everyone around me. It leads me back to myself.
I think my favorite line from Midwest was, "We are wired to connect." That's right, it wasn't a profound statement about music or education, it was a statement about our humanity. Humans, whether we want to admit it or not, are social beings. We need interaction, we need to be connected to those around us. I think that too often on my path to self-discovery I have chosen to isolate myself from those around me because it "should be just about me right now." It can be about me, but I need other people. am wired to connect.

So, yeah...I think I've vomited enough sentence fragments onto this page right now.
Go connect with someone.
Now.
It's the holidays.

Meyahhhhh,
Mariah

The Cold Hard Truth

2011-07-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

The first step to fulfilling the life you've always imagined and truly being able to love and appreciate those around you is self-love.
Challenge- accepted.

I Choose to Choose Love

2011-07-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school I wasn't terribly interested in any of the boys at my school, nor were they interested in me. I sat around all day dreaming and fantasizing about love and the life I would create for myself.
It has taken me a while to realize that I have an active role in creating the situations I find myself in. I don't have to daydream anymore because the opportunities I always thought about have presented themselves. But much like a cliff doesn't look that high until you choose to jump off it, the risks I am taking and the vulnerability I am showing are petrifying.

As always the daily love email swooped in and comforted me with Mastin's divinely sent words. Fear comes from the unknown and from the need for love. All of the defenses we build up in our lives are a byproduct of us leaving ourselves vulnerable to someone and then being hurt or disappointed. But what's left after we have gotten out of those situations that do not fulfill us? Do we choose to protect ourselves from the opportunities that present themselves to us and because of this never grow? I am trying to open up. I am trying to choose the path of love. It is freaking terrifying. And I'm not quite sure how it will pan out. But this time I am different- I have a level of self-worth that wasn't there before. I have my own joy and my own path that I am unwilling to sacrifice for "love". So....here we go.

Here's to another great adventure,
Mariah

2011-07-01T21:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Mariah,
Sometimes it's OK to not be the strong one. It's OK to be hurt. It just means you really cared about something.
Love,
Life

Up

2011-06-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been obsessed with the Jason Mraz song, "Up".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DcyBZpTw9Y

If you listen to him talk about the inspiration for the song, he speaks a lot about how beautiful a relationship is when there is no ceiling to it, no limitations. The love that you have for each other breaks boundaries and makes the impossible possible.

Last night I watched Black Swan again, and it's amazing to me how much my perspective has changed in the 6 months since I last saw it. The first time I saw it all I could think about was the arts and how much we have to internalize what we do. I cognitively understood the juxtaposition of black versus white but I almost took it as a good versus evil. That couldn't be further from the truth. My mom tried to talk about this with me when we saw it and I exploded at her. Well mom, I think I get it more now. There is a place and time for the white swan, for control and logic. But the black swan is the side in all of us that gets lost in passion- in what we want and where we want to go. I think that especially for me the white swan has become very overactive and is actually limiting what I am capable of. It's putting a ceiling on what I want for myself and the life I want to lead. I know where I want to go, I know what makes me happy and it is my responsibility to myself and my own piece of mind to follow that wherever it takes me.

So here's to taking the limitations off of every part of our lives, whether it be a relationship with a lover, a friend, or with our self.

Taking the ceiling out,
Mariah

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison

2011-06-14T13:28:00.001-07:00

I am struggling to find a way to find my voice, to be able to shout to the heavens what I have to say. I want to tell you my story. I want to be able to release this something in a way that is me. I want to release in a way that brings me peace. I have so much to say, how do I say it? Where is my voice?

2011-05-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

Jena inspires me with her perspective and desire to be simple. Check out the words she is laying down here:

http://llenadehummus.tumblr.com/

Holla.

2011-05-14T09:37:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPRm6u7tuPE

Goodbye for now

2011-04-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

To all of those who even glance at this thing anymore- I'm laying off for a while. Maybe permanently. We'll see. I just have nothing left to write.
Much love,
Mariah

The Journey
By Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

2011-04-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

He came so we could forgive ourselves.

I strive to live my life in a way that shows Him gratitude.

Cosmo ruined my life.

2011-04-20T15:54:00.001-07:00

So I recently purchased an issue of Cosmo because I thought, hey, why not? I used to read them all the time and even remember Nneka reading one in the high school cafeteria and giggling like...well like a school girl. But as I was reading through this I am becoming progressively more disgusted. Everything talks about "We polled guys and they think this thing is the most attractive." or "you should wear metallic nail polish out because it's hot and guys think it's so in right now."
That's ridiculous. And to think I used to plan my life around what they said I should do! How sad!
Moral of the story: Be yourself and everything will fall into place after that.

I am grateful for liking someone and not having any expectations come from it. It's really...nice.

Mariah

God Says Yes To Me
by Kaylin Haught
I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

Late Bloomer

2011-04-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

It's funny, I always thought of myself as mature and ahead of the group. Lately it's been pushed in my face that I may very well know not much about life. I have great ideas, but no actual experience to back them up with. Dr. Allen said he thinks I'm going to be a late bloomer. Holy shit- a late bloomer. I've never been called that, I've been ahead of the game. I've always been the smartest, the fastest, the wisest, the most mature. But now through many events in my life I think I'm being shown that I am indeed just beginning to bloom. I need to learn to be OK with that. I need to learn to be OK with the process that is life, with how it moves and grows and how I grow with it. There is no magic text that gives you the secret to life. I can't look up what I'm dealing with in the library and find an article citing what I am learning and what I should do next. Not to be cheesey, but I think that text and that gauge is internal and not external. And internally I have no idea who I am or what I'm about. I have hints. But I need to stop being so scared and plunge into the thick of life.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined!"

My words are part of my medicine.

MKH

2011-04-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

Mraz.
How do you know my life? I seriously am getting creeped out. Or if you are following me, can I at least get an autograph and maybe a picture?
K, thanks.
Mariah

I Can't Run but I Can Walk Much Faster Than This

2011-04-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

There is a place of silence in me that I am rediscovering and it feels to freaking good. It's hard for me to write about it because it's mine and I'm scared of losing it again. Now, I know this somewhat defeats the purpose of the strength that the center of us is supposed to have, all of that always be yourself kind of a thing, but hey I'm rediscovering here.
The point is- colors are getting brighter, the world is expanding, the light is coming back in. I feel more in control of my life- not that I can control what happens to me but realizing that the true strength is how you react when things do happen. Or maybe for once deciding to be PRO-active instead of RE-active. I think that's a big one for me. There are so many cool people out there! How cool is that! And that I no longer depend on them to define me! So long I went through things thinking, "That's not the real me." Well, that's not altogether true. It was me all along. And I own that- the good, the bad, and the ugly. It may not have been an action that put me on the path of who I wanted to become, but it was me. Ownage. And with this realization the pride compliments the guilt and the stability balances the confusion.
I apologize if this blog has taken an unexpected turn in recent months- I've been riding the struggle bus for a while. Striving to yo-yo back to some kind of center. So, bear with me if you will. Is it bare? Bear. Right??

Enjoy the day.

2011-04-07T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have a million things to do.
Instead I went for a bike ride.
I am realizing my words are more powerful than I think.
That I can choose who I share them with
And sometimes that they don't have to be shared with anyone at all.
I think that some things will never change
And as life goes on I will have so many different ties and emotions that cannot be ended, only changed.
I think that the closure I once thought existed is not the closure I will find.
I think that sometimes all these open ends of my life make me feel like I'm floating.
Like I just pushed away from the dock and the ripples are still getting settled below me
Expanding, losing power, getting further away,
But they don't go away.
It's one of the laws of physics-
matter is neither created nor destroyed.
It can be converted to energy.
Equal and opposite reaction
Blah blah blah
Prep ictus rebound
on and on and on

Sometimes it gets hard to think of a day where things will be "normal". That there won't be that one image that instantly just makes me hurt. But I've already pushed away from the dock and no matter what I do I can't turn back. I've already embarked.

But hey, at least it's sunny.

2011-04-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Comforting realization of the day:
I'm not nearly as alone as I think I am.

I miss this though:

2011-04-01T13:15:00.000-07:00

"...sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living." - Jonathan Safran Foer

2011-03-31T13:11:00.001-07:00

I think now is the time to give it to God. I am at an utter loss as to what to do next. I don't know my next step. I am so. damn. lost.
I feel like there is a message there somewhere. I am supposed to be learning something. There has got to be a reason for this.
But I cannot fathom what it is.
So I give it to God. Reveal yourself to me. Tell me what to do next. You have finally got my attention. I am listening.
Whisper in my ear.

"You've Got to Go Forwards to Go Back"

2011-03-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

The title is one of my favorite quotes from Willy Wonka.

Things are back in session and I'm struggling a bit...life is easy when things are new and there's a clean start. DC was so nice and freeing. But regardless I am back here and I can't do anything to change it.

It's funny, once again Mraz's most recent blog post was spot on. He talks about missing days of ignorance when he didn't know how big the world was and how he actively he could participate and change it. While he is referring to environmentalism and taking care of the Earth I'm finding what he said very relevant. Basically you cannot unlearn what you've learned and you cannot unexperience what you've experienced. Sometimes I find this very comforting- the mistakes I've made this far are not the ones I will make in the future...or at least I will be aware of them. I will be able to build off of them and be stronger. However, sometimes this makes my life very difficult right now. I've been expecting healing to come quickly but I have been fooling myself. He was 2 years of my life and there is a definite space there that I am finally noticing. I used to be lonely in high school and I got used to it. But I always had my friends and family. God, I have been so blessed with such amazing people in my life. Inevitably as I grow up I am finding myself more independent, but also alone for much more of the time. He was always there to fill that loneliness. Even if he was not there personally I could entertain thoughts of him. I knew someone out there loved and cared for me. I mean, we were in a relationship. He was my boyfriend. This is a different kind of loneliness because I actually know some of what I'm missing. As much as I would like forget everything that's happened I cannot, and as the anger and bitterness dissipate I am just left with sadness at the memories of the good times. It hurts me to see him because I still like him, there is still a warmth of affection there. I was fooling myself to ever think that I could look at him objectively- if I was able to I think that would be a very scary statement about our relationship.

But you know what else loneliness represents? Space. Space to grow. Room to heal. Freedom to be me- going where I want and doing what I want to do. I cannot go back to old periods of stability. I cannot repress everything. Time will allow me to find a new balance in my life and a new definition of contentment. Regardless I am done dwelling on the sadness and confusion of the past because what is done is done. Carrying that burden with me any longer will be intentionally making myself unhappy.

I am on a quest to forgive myself and find peace. But hey, you've got to go forwards to go back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU

"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children and your sisters and you brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive."

Donation Station

2011-03-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

I just went through my clothes and collected a solid garbage bag full of things that I never really wear. This is something we used to do in my house every once in a while- over time so many garments accumulate and you just forget which ones you actually wear. I've gotten quite a few, as you can see. I'll drop them off at a goodwill later today.
This is a simple something that I think everyone should do once in a while. As much as you think, "Oh I really like that. I'll wear it someday." I can assure you that there's someone out there who you appreciate it and probably use it a lot more than you do. So, yeah. Do it.

Also, don't drink Maxwell House coffee. It's only 8o% coffee and made with awful quality beans often bought at unfair prices. The rest of the 2o% is made up of barley and sometimes the husks of the seeds. And THEN they artificially flavor and scent it. Apparently at Stauf's they had a can of the stuff to have people smell. Over the years it was so corrosive it ate through the metal container holding it. That's what you're putting in your body every day.

Think Globally, Act Locally-
MKH

In the jungle...

2011-03-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

This is Tonto- I got him in Disney World in senior year and he is just now being added to the safari of stuffed animals that are currently making their homes on my bed.
In many ways I'm just a child. I like the soft and fluffy. And being surrounded by polymer filler is currently the way I sleep the best.
Holla at cha gurl.
MKH

2011-03-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Tristan Prettyman for this.

Don't Make Me Go Back!

2011-03-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me how I have allowed my energies to be so diminished. I have learned a lot about focus these past 2 years and how much is necessary to succeed in the field I have chosen. HOWEVER, I have allowed this idea of dedication and attention to my craft to become my life. These people here amaze me. They are intelligent but live by the "work hard, play hard" rule.
I love the east coast mentality in many ways. I've missed it. There's a strange cultural difference between the east coast and the midwest and it has become quite apparent to me that right here, right now, I want to live in a huge city probably on one of the coasts. Boston and Washington have both stolen my heart in different ways and have satisfied my need to do something new all the time. Columbus is cool but there's the sloppy campus part and then the general vibe is one of people who are ready to settle down but still be active. I respect that but that is not where I am in my life. Right now I am young and tireless. I just want to be moving all the time, reading, learning, running.
I can't describe how refreshing this vacation has been for me. I have been around people who are not bogged down in gossip and bullshit. There are differences between people and although they vent it doesn't spread like wildfire. It isn't all they do. There is too much work to be done and too much fun to be had to let rumors and whispers take up their time. They don't talk about music all the time. They don't even talk about politics all the time. I need to find BALANCE. I cannot just live my life through music. I love it, I do. I have no regrets about the field that I've chosen to go into, but I cannot talk about it constantly. I will work hard in school, I will practice, but when I'm not around it...honestly I don't really want to talk about it, about who's doing what in the S.O.M., I want to DO something. I want to go somewhere and just have fun. I don't want to spend time with people who enjoy doing this too.
This next quarter I want to be more focused and efficient in music- I will plan and stick to a practice schedule. I need to start observing too. But I also want to start reading before bed again and maybe drawing some more. I can finally get my bike soon and get back to the trail.

2011-03-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

I love my life.
Yesterday I buzzed while looking at the Washington Monument. Then I laid down and absorbed the suns rays for a few minutes. I had nowhere to be. My best friend was laying beside me. We took off our shoes and walked in the grass which was just a little bit soft because of the rain.
We went to monuments and museums. I LOVED the cherry blossoms. Everything around me is radiating life. Sun. Flowers. The people in DC are constantly moving- running, talking, there's somewhere to be. These are important people. Attractive people. People who take pride in what they look like and what they are doing with their lives.
We came home and drank wine on the balcony of Kelly's apartment with her friend Thao. It was perfect. Meanwhile there are people bustling about the apartment talking about politics and policies, what's happened this past week in the world and what the next step is. I am in love.
I am in love with the potential of life. I am blessed with many things in my life. And I just wanted to share my happiness with all of you.
There ain't no limitations on this life.
Rest in reason. Move in passion.
MKH

2011-03-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

My current life proclimation:
I will go in this way and find I my own way out. I won't tell you what to be.

Simple as that.

Play!

2011-03-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little weird tonight, like someone spiked Mrs. Borrayo's date bars with a heaping helping of nostalgia with a dash of WTF.
I was going through pictures of my childhood today- they are currently sitting out on our dining room table crying out for some attention. It seems to me that I was always outside and always getting into something. I remember a lot of my childhood, at least up until we moved. It's strange to me that I have less active memories of the past ten years of my life than I do some of my childhood. I remember running around at the park until I was completely covered in sweat and dirt but I still didn't want to go home. I remember the one time my cousins and I were playing tag in our backyard and I slipped because it had been raining and did my first full split. I remember the time I faked being hurt in the pool so when my mom went to help me up I pulled her in. It's weird, even though I couldn't put it into words I knew I had it good. My days then were active and filthy- the greatest fashion accessories to my oversized t-shirts were the grass stains on my pants. I miss that. I miss running around with my friends not to stay in shape or work my glutes but rather because we just wanted to play.
That seems to be a consistent theme in my life- I just want to play. I just want to play my horn. I just want to play knock-out until I literally can't breathe anymore. When you try to bring me inside, bathe me, and make me look real nice I just want to say "No" and continue running around. Maybe I'll sleep out here. It really doesn't matter. Cause I just want to fucking PLAY.

So in honor of exhuberant mood I now find myself in, I give you Play! by Carl Holmquist. Props to Matt Dockendorf to exposing me to this piece. I am mucho grateful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX5Qe3QRQQw

Go be mischievous!

New Tattoo

2011-03-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

Mostly want the Hannon one. But also, I'm a Holt. I feel like it'd be weird to have 1 on each shoulder blade though....Decisions decisions.

Why No, I'm Not OK. But Thanks for Asking.

2011-03-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

I have tried pretty hard to keep everything together and keep my focus. So far it's worked- I played a pretty damn good jury, or at least my best one yet. I am now the Treasurer of OCMEA. I laugh a lot more than I have in a really long time. I play guitar. I hang out with friends I haven't seen in a while. I even joke about naming my cat Dave Meowthews.
But for the life of me I cannot study for this stupid Geography Exam.
I know I shouldn't use my blog as a journal. I won't get into too many details and I know that there will always be that feeling that there were things left unsaid.
I tell myself I am fine. And most of the time I am. But there are some times of course that I am just very sad. What's easy and what's for the best are hardly ever the same thing. I know I have done what's best for me and what I needed to do. I know that finally saying "enough" and protecting what was left of myself was what was right for me. But I think... I think I suck at communicating. I think that maybe if I had said something earlier we could've grown together. But instead I just sat on my emotions and became more and more detached. I separated myself to a point where there was no going back. That is my biggest regret about all of this. I know that I could not act on lessons I hadn't learned yet, but isn't that kind of sad too? There's just so much I would do differently now.
I have tried to be the person who always thinks, "What can I learn from this?" but sometimes what I forget is that there are times that life just SUCKS. Even after you've learned all you can from a situation it still aches. I especially hate it when I'm going about my life and there's this place where he should be. And I think "Oh, I'll tell him that later." and then with a pang realize that no, I won't.
I trust that this is all for the best. God, I really hope it is.

MKH

PS: FUCK ENVIRONMENTAL GEOGRAPHY.

The Bitchslap

2011-03-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

Here's my hypothesis on life right now.
Shitty things happen for a reason. You can learn from them and accumulate lessons learned and therefore grow wise. If you learn the important lessons you might even reach Enlightenment.
However, you can also choose to ignore said lessons and take different path. Ignorance, selfishness, and ego are the 3 main reasons for this I think.
So, because of that, sometimes the lesson you are supposed to learn just builds up...
it says: Hey.....
then it says: HEY....
Finally it shouts; HEYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
And then, hopefully, you are forced to pay attention. This is the cosmic bitchslap. Don't worry, it's for your own good.

2011-03-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

I wish more than anything that Eat Pray Love didn't apply to my life. I wish I had actual words for the "Why?"s that have surfaced. I wish I could take away the pain I have caused. I don't regret it. I don't take it back. It just feels like shit right now and I guess it's supposed to.
Being the one being broken up with may be more painful, but being the one doing the breaking up is much more confusing. It makes you question yourself a lot. And instead of being able to be blameless in the ending of the relationship, you feel directly responsible for the other person's pain. Because, quite frankly, you are. I am.
I would like very much to just run away from all this now. Or fast forward ten years from now and be able to say, "Oh, that's why this whole mess happened." The whole "hindsight is 2o/2o" thing.

For Lent I am not giving anything up, but rather I am adding prayer and meditation to my life on a daily basis. I can't do this to myself or someone else again. I need to remain in touch with the voice of God inside of me. Well...that's all I've got to say. Sad dark swirly days.

2011-03-06T14:50:00.001-08:00

I will be damned if there aren't days where this journey is really lonely though...

Tis a gift to come down where you ought to be.

2011-03-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

I have always been an experience-based person. Perhaps this is a sign of trust issues, or maybe it is a part of my insatiable curiosity. Mr. Henniss actually touched on this in a studio class a week or so ago. He said that when we come into a lesson he will of course help us. "No, that A should be played trigger 3" kind of a deal and when we try it we think, "Hey that's awesome! Trigger 3 sounds great!" And yeah, we grow. However, nothing will ever replace the time you spend in the practice room. We are all unique, our lips and teeth and demons all our own. It is up to us to explore the realm of the horn enough where we find the best possible outcome. And since we have discovered it on our own, it is ours. We can trust it. How's that for a metaphor.

You know what it really is? I'M not ready. I'm not. And I know that may be selfish but it is the only thing I know. I am growing and morphing every day of my life. I am unstable as most twenty year olds SHOULD be. I need to give myself room to grow, room to take whatever shape is the best me I can be. So many of the issues of the actual relationship were fixable. But every time I thought about going back I felt...cramped. Claustrophobic- like I was being squeezed into a tiny little box that was too small for me NOW. I couldn't even imagine years from now. And let me tell you- that is not on him. This is a blameless post talking about issues past the silliness of FAULT or GUILT. It's bigger.

I trust in my journey. I trust that my heart is telling me what I need. I trust that this is bigger than me and bigger than him. It is out of our immediate control. As my parents always say, "Everything is in divine order."

I need the freedom to travel and to write. I want to meditate. I want to explore. I want to jump off cliffs into unknown bodies of water and feel mud between my toes. I want to play the shit out of my horn and be able to go wherever that takes me. I want to BE SELFISH. I want to trust whatever process is leading me to wherever I'm meant to be.

And in the end, when I have experienced and experimented enough on my own I know love will find me. I pray that I am open to ALL possibilities of this love. I know I will be. And I will look at him in the face and say, "I've been expecting you. Yes, I think I am ready now."

And then we will begin a life together as the fullest versions of ourselves and because of that with a deeper and fuller understanding of each other. Our LOVE will be deeper.

It will be extraordinary.

2011-03-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

This is my life.

2011-03-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFcLFqipRl4

I might run off at any given time
Don't leave no notes there ain't no reason to lie
Guess I haven't found what I'm looking for
Can't keep my hands to myself
Or my eyes off the door

Is it any wonder that I'm on to the next
I'll be the first one to tell you
And the last to forget
Don't let me drag you into this bitterness
Sometimes I don't even understand the half of it

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much love

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much love

Sometimes I can't stand to be apart
I walk around this city, alone 'til it's dark
And if the sadness won't ever go away
I suppose I'll build it a home
So it has a nice place to stay

Most of the time I don't mind the company
But God I wish you would stay
Why do you have to leave
Seems like we always want what we can't have
But that's just life baby, you can't get mad

When there's no one to blame
And nothing here to see
You don't call, I don't blame you
I don't even trust me

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much, love

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much

I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how

And this happens all the time
Oh yes it happens all the time…

2011-03-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

I am not sure who I am reaching out to right now. I am not sure who I can trust and who will not let me down.

It is always a startling realization that you are not the person you once hoped to be. I had such dreams of love. Of once in a lifetime.
But this stupid fucking compass inside of me will not leave me alone. I have lost it, found it, even TRIED to lose it so I can be happy right now but it won't SHUT UP. I have made myself alone this time. This was me. And I would like to tell myself that it is for the best right now but I cannot see it. All I see right now are all of those memories that he and I shared and all of those hopes I had for our future. All they do is dance around my head and mock me. Because I am the one that stopped that support and that safety and those possibilities. That is all my fault.
If you asked me right now why I'm doing it, I can't even tell you. All I can say is I have to reclaim myself. All I can say is that my inability to communicate how I am feeling lead me here in the first place. There was a moment I could have called him and leaned on him and finally communicated and I didn't. Why didn't I do it? Why did I just stay silent again? Did my silence just claim the love that has sustained me?

2011-02-24T17:56:00.000-08:00

I am OK. I am better than OK. Just know that. I might not post for a while because right now I'm doing shit for me, and not necessarily things for other people and like it or not when I write on here I am conscious of my audience. So, yeah. Take care of yourselves. It's a cray-cray world.

I Have a Sick Mind

2011-02-18T04:57:00.000-08:00

All night I dreamt that Henry and I were ready to settle down, that we had both found good and secure jobs and it was time, and that he was asking me to try again. I hate my mind. It always does this, fabricates things that aren't true but the things I wish were true the most.
I don't think I'll meet another man whose love for the British Navy is equal to mine.
I always believed that when people said "The timing wasn't right" they just weren't trying hard enough. Now I get it. But I really really wish I didn't. Because reality SUCKS. It's inevitable, it hunts down the mind of the dreamer and slowly just disintegrates the foundation of their beliefs. I'm not sure what I'm left with now, other than a completely broken heart. I tried so freaking hard, and he did too, but you can't change busy schedules. You can't change that at the end of the day we were both to exhausted to appreciate each other. We were just holding on for dear life and hoping the storm stopped soon. But it didn't. And it won't because then there's grad school. Then we don't know where we will actually get jobs. And as much as we'd like to think that we can make it...I guess we just couldn't.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to talk.
I just want to be left alone.
I am completely broken.

2011-02-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

I am left with only 1 conclusion about life: love is not always enough. And that basically ruins everything I've built my beliefs on.

2011-02-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

Why is he so awesome....

2011-02-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

"When you see something beautiful or experience something rad it's good to have someone next to you to validate that you just saw that...what a beautiful day this is...and then that person also get to hold that memory with you forever."

-Mraz

I'm the King of the Castle...

2011-02-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7in-9E3ImQ
This song will always remind me of riding in the car on the way to Ricketts Glen with my cousins. The dark trees whizzing past, but the sun of summer was upon us. I don't remember who was in the back seat with me, but I know my cousin Shawn and his girlfriend, now wife, Carol was up in the front. The windows were rolled down and the air whooshed past us and we wound our way through the mountains. My hair was still wet from swimming that morning. I don't know what it makes me feel other than nostalgic...maybe a little innocent? A time when I was just waiting for "real life" to start and I could dream all I wanted to without the restrictions that reality has put in place. I don't even know....this memory has a taste to it, it tastes like summer and promise and freedom and the love of my family. It tastes of something that is comfortable but still exciting. I think this is one of those rare moments where I really appreciated what was happening as it was happening.

It was a rough day, but now I am living in that memory. And I am smiling. Because spring is coming. The light and soft caress of a summer breeze is on its way. So I have hope.

Goodnight all,
MKH

The Only Way to Please Everybody is to Never Make a Decision

2011-02-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

Although the title to this entry really isn't very relevant to what I'm about to write, I think it's very important for me to realize. I can't please everyone. I can't take everyone's advice. Instead I must trust what I know, what my experiences have been, and live my own life. I sometimes struggle to do what I believe is right because I have been advised against it. In the process of trying to please everyone I am not pleasing myself. <---I just that's what she said-ed myself in my mind. Regardless, it's true. I need to stop being so afraid of everything- missing an opportunity or making the same mistakes as people around me. I don't need to justify my choices to people. I choose to trust in where my heart and work is taking me. This leaves me vulnerable in many ways if I fail, but I will be damned if I won't try. One of Kelly's friend's from Syracuse has a tattoo on her biceps that just says "Fail Brilliantly". I mean...that's it.
I played in studio today, and it didn't go well. I put a lot of time into the piece....but it just was crap. Everyone says it was the best time that I've ever played in studio and that I sound like a different player. I appreciate their comments and I'm sure they're true, but in the end I am frustrated. For those of you who have seen The King's Speech, I feel exactly like that. The reason I believe I am meant to perform is because I have that voice inside of me, that desire to show that piece to the world. To connect in a way that is pure. And when my performance abilities cannot convey it, I just get...backed up. All of that emotion has started, that image is within my mind but it won't come out of my bell. For the life of me it won't bloody come out. I have a musical stutter.
After the performance I was visibly upset. Yeah...I cried in front of my entire studio. Not like wept or anything, but the silent Indian tears. Henniss came up to me and asked me to come into his office. He looked at me and said, "Mariah, I don't mean to say you shouldn't be crying because that would invalidate you. But I really don't understand why your crying." He told me, again, that I had played the best I ever have. Henniss is great about maintaining a positive feeling in lessons and encounters, but you can tell if he is being polite versus saying an actual compliment. This was sincere. And it meant a whole hell of a lot to me. In the end we started to discuss how it's hard to communicate an emotion through a piece without getting too emotional. It's hard, and it's something that only comes with experience. Then I get home and I read this on Mraz's blog:
Gratitude is the practice that will take you to the next level. If you can recall a time in your life when you were stuck, think about what got you unstuck - that moment when you realized why a certain thing had to happen. In that moment you were grateful that it was over – AND in that moment you’re suddenly grateful that you went through it – AND from that moment on, you view yourself a much stronger person because of the experience. Only in gratitude do you advance to the next level.

So today this is what I'm grateful for. I am grateful for the struggles that I have been through, and even the humiliating moments because I choose to believe I am stronger for them. I choose to believe that I am learning from everything that I do and that the next step will be easier. I am grateful for the people in my life who keep things in perspective.

Onwards and Upwards,
Mariah

2011-01-21T11:59:00.001-08:00

I'm looking for some real human connection man, none of this gossipy professional dancing on the border of what you should do and shouldn't I don't feel that at all no mo'. Gotta do something for me, need a time out from what's going on to do my thing and connect in a way that isn't superficial. That's what I need. Not angry, not sad, not tired, just lookin' for a little somethin' somethin' to legitamize my words-

Can ya dig it?

A Response to My Previous Post

2011-01-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves

of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean,

at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without

wondering.”

-Saint Augustine

I understand that responding to yourself is weird, but here it is. What has happened has happened. All I can do is pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. I am strong enough to do this. I am strong enough to be present in what I do. I am strong enough to wonder and then pull myself back to the present, back to the reality which I shape. I create my own world. And the longer I waste energy and thought on things I've done that is energy wasted.

I still love my fish and Susan Powell is my new hero. I need a mantra.

MKH

2011-01-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

This is my new little friend. Not the best picture of all time, but the little navy blue blob is her! Her name is Vera- it kind of popped into my head when I saw her and although this is crazy, I swear she responds to it! I said Vera and she came over from the other side of the tank for a photo op. Vera actually fits really well- both latin and slavic in origin and mean faith or truth. My little daily dose of faith and truth. Also makes studying a little less lonely. So naturally, that is what I'm grateful today. I reaaally hope she doesn't die. Really a lot.

OK, so basically I freaking hate this "growing up" thing. When you're born you start with a clean slate and everything's great. Your parents protect you and then when you get older you can blame them for how "difficult" your life is. There is always the ability to blame your circumstances. You know what? Right know just sucks. Because you can't blame anything or anybody except yourself. I've messed up a lot and it's all on me. And what's worse is that clean slate is completely gone. Everything that I've done follows me around everywhere and I find myself living in the past. Obsessing over what I've done and what I haven't. There are days where I wish that I could be weak and curl up into a little ball and just not move for a while. Like in 5th grade when I used to finish my work early and just sleep in the nurses office. And when I went back nothing had changed. Nobody was too far ahead of me. I was never playing catch-up or trying to stop living in the past. What if I did everything in my life differently? What if I slept around? Or what if I had buckled down and gone to Yale and then onto medical school? Would I have encountered all of the things I have on this path? Would my regrets be the same? Would the memories of some of the things I've done and the mistakes I've made still haunt me? Is this just an inevitable part of growing up?

I am where I am. I am who I am. Could I have been anyone other than me?

MKH

2011-01-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

Art is a step from what is obvious and well-known toward what is arcane and concealed.
Khalil Gibran

Maybe this is why all musicians are a wee bit crazy. We are forced to look deeper and attempt to see what is behind the veil of everyday reality. We attempt to convey that which cannot be explained. We are forced to dig deeper than most. This is not saying that people who have other career and life paths don't do this, but I think in many ways musicians are FORCED to in order to be successful. And sometimes what lies behind the veil is scary and complex. Other times I think it's a lot more simple than we perceive. I don't know man. I do. not. know.

Trippin' Out,

MKH

Perpetual Motion

2011-01-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

Guys, I am so sorry that it's been such a long time since I connected with ch'all. A new quarter has begun and it is looking to be one of the best yet. I finally have time to practice!!! My scholastic requirements are manageable and I got residency in Ohio which means I no longer have to work 25-3o hours a week. In conclusion, my life just got a whole lot more productive.

Today is Henry and my 2nd anniversary. It's been a rough year in some ways, but nevertheless I think we have both grown a lot both personally and in the relationship. I appreciate the fact that we can both recognize that we're new at this and young. Still our dedication to each other and too the relationship really proves a certain amount of maturity. I am looking forward to more time together, and finding a balance between taking care of ourselves and maintaining a relationship. Yippie Skippie!

OK, so here's this idea that I've been thinking about- the idea of perpetual motion. In my lesson last week Mr. Henniss introduced me to a new exercise. I was to inhale in a relaxed fashion, exhale completely naturally, and then inhale in the same fashion and play. The idea is to keep the airway relaxed and tension-free. As I did this, Henniss commented on my tendency to inhale, exhale, then stop for a moment, and when I inhaled again there was tension in my breath. Oftentimes I would lie next to Henry as we fell asleep and listened to him breathe. His breath is much more rapid than mine, but it is always in motion. When I exhale, even in my everyday living, I pause and tense before I inhale. I am not going to say anything incredibly profound here, but for me I think about the bigger picture. Perpetual motion. Life never stops and when we attempt to stop the motion we create tension and essentially just delay an inevitability- the next breath. When we try to hold onto something for too long as the world whizzes past us, we create tension in our lives. Similarly when we try to speed things up we end up hyperventilating. A balanced and natural breath and pace in everything we do leads to maximum efficiency, productivity, and in the end creativity. We must try to find a rhythm in our lives and then keep. breathing. Harder than it freaking sounds. So, yeah. That's basically it for now- find a rhythm that reflects the rhythm of life around you. If your life is lyrical, take a breath that reflects that. If it is time for a technical passage, again take a breath that reflects that.

Conducting started. I thought I was awful at first, but now I think I might be alright. No one ever has any criticisms for me except my facial expressions. I guess the fact that there's no criticism about my actual pattern is encouraging. Look out Solti....MKH is on your heels!

2010-12-31T15:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm all dolled-up for a night on the town. A night with my girls. A night to just chiiiiill. And you know what? For all of those cute boots I've gotten my shoe of choice is always my chucks.

What can I say. It's part of who I am. Cause as much as I can dress and act like a "grown-up" or "fiercely" I just love my Converse. There's always that something that will keep me young and keep me ME.

I run my mouth too much. And the sad thing is its never really out of anger or contempt for the other person, I just run my mouth because I can sometimes. Isn't that sad? That the power and intent of my words are lost at times for no reason? How dumb. So that's a part of my New Years resolution. I am going to pay more attention to what I say- who it affects, the tone, all of it. Cause I've got some important things to say, but every time I speak out of bitterness or anger *blip* it negates something nice I've said.

Sometimes I think I'm living my life backwards. I've learned some of the tough lessons that adults struggle with but I'm still stumbling over things most people learn in high school: what it means to be in a relationship, how to avoid gossiping, how to get along with parents-although I suspect many adults struggle with this one as well. I'm making the mistakes of my youth about 4 years after most people. But what can I do but learn and move on? And most importantly admit when I've been an ass. As Mraz said, "...make my mistakes look gracious and learn some lessons from my wrongs..."

I want to be less selfish in my relationships. I want to judge less. I want to see people for their whole story and even if I don't like it, respect it. I want to learn how to keep a secret.

And with that I am signing off. I hope you all have a cherished New Year with people you love.

I'm off to get crunk. Peace bitches.

Mariah

No, not St. Nick. St. Chris. He duh man.

2010-12-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

Quarter-over.

Overall damages- Ended in the green this time! I had a really good jury, but I know I can still do better. Nevertheless, the performer in me is finally showing her face. My face. Our face?

I had all of these sweet ideas brewing in my head about things to write but I think I'm going to jot them down on my own first and polish them up a bit before spitting them out on the interwebz. I'm really only thinking of you folks. No point in wasting their time...which is what I'm doing now.

Is it weird that whenever I see "polish" as in a stone or a lacquer of the nail variety I read "Polish" as in someone from Warsaw or Cracow?

Anyways, Midwest was freaking amazing. I feel very pumped full of knowledge, but it is very frustrating because right now I don't have a program. So here I am with a huge amount of motivation and passion and no outlet. So I practice. A lot. Oh my God, I love my horn. It's pretty much an addiction at this point. Instead of taking all of this energy I have and investing it in thoughts that inhibit my success- giving energy to doubts and negativity- I just practice. And it makes me happy. There was a quote from the concert that was beautiful in its simplicity: "Just keep practicing...everything else will follow." Boosh.

St. Christopher is supposed to be the saint of travel, but I don't think that's what I get out of him. In case you aren't familiar with the legend of St. Christopher, this is it in a very small and awful nutshell:

He was a bigass dude with an awful Rasputin-esque face. He started following the devil because his king feared the devil. Then he found a man who claimed to be the devil avoid signs of the cross. He then magically decided to become a Christian and found Hermit X on the side of the road who taught him all about the faith. He decided that he can best serve Christ by utilizing his strength and height and helping people cross a dangerous river where they would otherwise die. One day he was helping a child cross on his shoulders. As he was carrying him, the child became heavy as lead and the river became swift and swollen with water. Still, Chris pressed on. Turns out the baby was Jesus, who revealed Himself as such to Chris and then peaced.

So, I don't really see the traveling thing. What I see and why I wear him around my neck is because he first chose to use the gifts that God gave him to help serve those around him. When the elements seemed against him and the weight of the world was on his shoulders he chose to persevere. His tale is a testament to strength and service even when it is the most difficult. When we are tired, we must continue to put once foot in front of the other because the other side of the river will come. And in the moment of revelation on the other side, it will make it all worth it.

Here's hoping I can do this. Or that all of us can do this. It's most of the battle I think. But what do I know?

Whatever happened to the 9o's style long hair on boys? Like Tommy on 3rd Rock from the Sun! I like it...

OK, bedtime. Wow, that actually turned into something!!!

MKH

The Hulk is Angry.

2010-12-09T05:57:00.001-08:00

Mom, don't call me about any of this. I'll talk about it when I'm ready and it not I repeat not about you.

I am sick and tired of the one that tries to take things and learn from them. I am tired of being the one that gets discarded or takes a back seat. I am so freaking tired that every time I think shit's finally coming together, it finds a way to fall apart all over again.

I am a hell of a lot stronger than people think I am. They take my willingness to learn as weakness and that is their mistake. I will fight for what I believe in and what I want. And I'm so tired of playing the game, trying to act removed or "keep things in perspective" all the time. I dream big, but I have always achieved big as well. And if I want something I will sacrifice all that I have to make it work because I truly believe that if there's a will there's a way.

Maybe it's my turn to get pissed at all of it. Maybe it's my turn to be fueled by my anger and passion.

Jesus, I need a vacation.

Oh-Em-Gee, Music to Life Connection!

2010-11-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

OK, here's a quick little thought that I may expand on later but wanted to release into the universe.

Dr. Allen today was discussing with Steven Bryant and Michael Gilbertson how he believes that it is the performers job to hone in on that moment of spontaneity that every composer has when they create and then convey that to the audience. That essentially it is our job to tap into the wild nothingness of the universe and bring to life this miraculous something-out-of-nothingness that occurs within every composer's head. I think that this is very true, that above all else most composers want to hear what is in their head and that spirit and spark of their creation. Or maybe it's just their interpretation of something boppin' around out in the cosmos. The point I'm trying to make is I think this can be directly applied to every day life. If we get so bogged down in the technique- aka overweigh every decision and thought- we miss the overall meaning and the music-making taking place in our own lives. We essentially miss that spark. The same is to be said about underpreperation. We do not want the music to be inaccurate or sloppy. When mistakes are made, we will learn from them and practice those skills until they are natural to us. But in the end the plane of existence we desire, whether it be on stage or on the street is a place where we feel our own spark and it feels natural. There is no thought required in this place of existence. We just kind of are.

And so my friends I retire to bed, tomorrow is another day of chasing that spark. God help me...

MKH

Finding Our Own Adventures

2010-11-22T10:31:00.000-08:00

As a kid I was always in love with epic stories of adventure and heros. I became obsessed with Star Wars as a kid, then The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, and even today when I am exposed to these previous obsessions I feel this tug inside of me.

After seeing Harry Potter at midnight I naturally passed out for about 4 hours. During this queer little nap all I did was dream like I was in Harry Potter- a stick in my hand held immediate power and good and evil were clear-cut. I woke up the next morning feeling very...empowered. As I went through my day however this feeling began to diminish due to the fact that my day was incredibly unepic in every way. As I analyzed my life and compared it to all of those stories I had read in books this shroud was thrown over my eyes and everything I saw was tinted grey. A good day was not good enough. A laugh, not hearty enough. As dumb as it was, I started to frown on my life. Where is that adventure I craved?

In hindsight, it was there all along. The reason so many people are drawn to stories and movies is because the lines of good and evil are definite and extreme. Does Frodo take the ring or no? Do Harry, Ron, and Hermoine decide to fight Voldemort or no? And we in the audience sit back and fantasize about what we would do in their situations, most of us thinking that we would take the challenge! There is an adventure to be had, a world to save! But I think now that maybe there is an adventure to be had in all of our lives. Granted right and wrong are less distinct, but in the end the lessons we learn are no less valuable. When we accomplish something difficult do we not feel triumphant? When we let go of someone we love, do we not feel pain? This life is as epic as any novel or tale, we just have to be willing to suck the very marrow out of it.

"Listen- are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"

-Mary Oliver

I am grateful for my life, and not that I am in college or in music. I just feel grateful to breathe and live. And I am grateful for the control to take my life as far as I want it to.

Off for a few deep breaths and then counterpoint.

Here's to trying to walk the walk and not just talk the talk,

MKH

My Bucket List

2010-11-20T21:15:00.001-08:00

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
— Mary Oliver (New and Selected Poems)

1-Stand on the White Cliffs of Dover

2- Make Dave Matthews laugh

3- Go to Africa. Learn from their resilience and spirit.

4- Love completely and deeply

5- Find a vocation that I #4

6- Write a song

7- Write a symphony

8- Go to culinary school

9- Visit a hot spring in Japan

1o- Take my grandmother back to England

11- Learn Russian

12- Write a book

13- Make a movie

14- Go back to Eastern Europe and explore

15- Bike across the US....or just down the east coast

16- Learn to surf.

17- Find the magic in this world.

18- Never let the dreamer inside of myself die.

I have not done any of these things completely yet. But I feel so much appreciation for the fact that they are even possible. I've forgotten what it's like to dream. And now I feel reawakened.

"When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world."
— Mary Oliver

IMPOSTER!

2010-11-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

A funny thought occurred to me recently: I am an imposter of myself. I know you're all going "What the hell is this chick talking about??" Let me tell you- I impersonate other people all the time and I am damn good at it. When I played sports or my horn or even interacted with those around me it seems like I am always trying to convey someone else. It's a strange way to live- I am constantly picturing myself through other people's eyes and how every action must look. Throughout my life I have encountered many people I respect, admire, and love. Without thinking about it I have taken what I like about them in terms of demeanor, body gestures, everything, and started doing them. It's really kind of creepy. And actually really exhausting. I'm kind of done living my life as a hodge-podge of different people. And I'm tired of seeing myself through everyone else's eyes. There's a ton of people who do that already. So mayyyybe I should just start living my own life. Just a thought.

On a lighter note- my cousin Jen's wedding last weekend was awesome. It made me realize how much I love my family. They surround me with love and laughter and acceptance. And food. Who else will play horse with me after too much champagne and still in clothes from the wedding? They will always be some of the most important people to me. Plus my sister and I got to bond which was so much fun. I'm kicking myself for pushing her away for so many years.

And finally- everyone should go see the Harry Potter movie. EVERYONE. End o' story.

Carpe Diem!

MKH

I F@$*ing Did It.

2010-11-17T19:40:00.001-08:00

There was a Mraz post a little while ago that was titled, "You F@$*ing Did It." I thought it was a little ridiculous for a mantra, so it made me chuckle and then I moved on with life. But much like some Chappelle Show quotes which I shall not mention here, today this popped into my head.

Set at 73o AM

Warm-up

Classes

2 exams

1 6-page paper

1 concert playing

1 concert working

1 sectional

1 quartet rehearsal

Practicing

Dealing with cramps, which are more debilitating than men will ever know.

At school and focused from 73o AM- 1o3o PM. But all I can say right now is: "I F@$*ing Did It."

I am grateful for this newfound ability to focus. It's changing mah life.

Alright, I'm going to bed. I earned it!

Fierce+Weird= Weirce.

MKH

Ay, there's the rub

2010-11-09T13:55:00.000-08:00

I can't keep my major for more than a quarter it seems. I just want to play my horn. And I want to teach...but horn. I want that more than anything, more than I would like to be a band director or any kind of music teacher.

Maybe it's time that I freaking admit that to myself and trust that belief.

Dear God,

I would really like to stop second guessing myself now.

Lots of Love,

Mariah

What a week...mungtastic

2010-11-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a week....plagued by death and sadness and this little black raincloud that has followed around a great number of people I care about.

I am OK. My life is good. But it hurts me to see them hurting. And I have taken it upon myself to fix everything....and after an intense breakdown in my lesson that ended in me sobbing, I need to find my balance. Again. I can be a good friend, a caring person, but I can't fix people. It's not my job. I can only do so much.

"I am no superman/ I have no answers for you/ I am no hero aw that's for sure..."

I am kind of done talking about this now. Time to turn over a new leaf.

I got this sweeeeet hat. And a purple hoodie. Check it:

#1- I would never do that to Dave.

#2- I got nuffin.

#3- required apathetic hipster look.

A Very Sensitive Subject

2010-11-03T11:44:00.001-07:00

There is a subject that has been eating away at me for a while and based on recent events I feel the need to speak up. I cannot stand for or support the stigma that surrounds mental health issues and therapy. As a country we are learning to incorporate extreme learning, physical, and mental disabilities but when someone talks about going to see a therapist I feel that many people still don't support that decision.

The human mind is the motor of our entire being. Just like a car, sometimes you need to take it to the mechanic for a tune-up. It may be something minor, like an oil change. Or it may be that all of the screws are coming undone. No matter how much you want to ignore the clunking, it will not get better.

The thing that frustrates me the most are the people who think that a mentally ill person can just "suck it up." They can't. They are SICK. If your child had a fever raging inside of them, wouldn't you take them to the hospital? This is the SAME thing. It cannot be ignored. I have learned recently of a young man whose parents ignored his mental issues even after concerned professionals contacted them multiple times. He ended up taking his own life. The thing that is most frustrating to the people who knew and loved him is that his death could've been prevented. Take a moment and let that sink in....there is a strong chance that this man who filled the world with love and light would still be here if his need to seek professional help had been supported.

So many people suffer needlessly. It's just heartbreaking. And it's time that it's stopped.

So Damn Lucky

2010-10-31T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hi guys,
I just wanted to say that it never ceases to terrify and amaze me at how fast our worlds can be turned upside down.
On the way home today Robyn and I saw a car crash. It wasn't good...
One of the members of the CCM horn studio fell off a roof and died...
A friend of one of the freshman horn players committed suicide...
That decision that maybe a heartbeat alone doesn't mean you're living...
Danny...
Poppie...

I urge you all, whomever this reaches, please find something you are grateful for. Even if it's the fact that you drove the ten minutes to work today and made it safely. There will always be something. What are YOU grateful for?
All of these aspects of our life that we find immovable and stagnant, the ones we take for granted, they are all more fragile than we can possibly realize.
Pray with me for all those who are hurting tonight. Chances are, as bad off as you think you are there is someone who is doing a lot worse than you. If you have time and energy and this blog is even on your priority list, you are so damn lucky.

Mariah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HaMLF4GQQU

HalleBOOia

2010-10-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

Sup ya'll,
I don't have much to say cept hello. It's gonna be a busy weekend for me! Plus I get to go to Washington DC for the second time in my life for the Rally to Restore Sanity. Huzzah to history.

I am watching Little House on the Prarie. This is quality shit. OK, anyways....

HalleBOOia concert is gonna be great. That's all I've got to say. I hope everyone is well, please be safe and HAVE FUN on this festive weekend.

I'm grateful for: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymKLymvwD2U&ob=av2n
Do work. Hayyyyy.
MKH

Normal's Cool Too

2010-10-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

I feel normal today and I am diggin' it. Nothing it dramatic or full of emotions. It is what it is and that's all that it is, and quite frankly, that is freaking awesome.
Go Bucks,
MKH

2010-10-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

Today was a strange day- I woke up at ten, something that is completely unheard of for me. As I went about getting ready for the day, it constantly seemed like there was this shroud around me. The weather agreed- it was warm and almost a little dark, as if the sun were hesitant to let itself shine through the clouds. The entire day had the feeling of twilight.
After a sectional, scheduling, and lunch I knew it was time for a bike ride. I haven't been on one in quite a while but I knew that before another crazy week started I needed to center myself. These bike rides are one of my favorite ways.
Being in nature is so important to me- it always has been. Think of a tuner, the really old ones that have many different circles, all of them checkered and spinning quickly in opposite directions. Essentially it looks like many different roulette wheels, one inside the other, with the directions of those wheels alternating; clockwise, counter-clockwise, clockwise, counterclock-wise. Now, when you play the wheels speed is based on how out of tune you are- the further out of tune, the faster the wheels spin. However, when you play in tune the wheels slow down and begin to line up.
In general I would say my wheels are spinning quite quickly. I live inside of my head for a very large portion of my life. When I'm on that bike path though, all of my wheels slow down. Any swell of frustration or joy that I feel only fuels my legs. Sometimes I feel like running away from everything, from all of my obligations not only as a student but as a human being. Today I felt bogged down by the people around me, by their baggage and their choices and their negativity in some cases. That is why I just needed to go for a while. Get away from everything.
It was absolutely astounding.
The sky is always the first thing I look at when I ride- who doesn't like to observe how the heavens above us look on a daily basis? Today...wow. The sun was partially covered but would poke out with the brightest angel rays I've ever seen. The clouds were dynamic, large and wrinkled, with an occasional smear near to the horizon. Every bit of sunshine today seemed like it was intended just for me, that God had nothing better to do in this world that to make sure that I knew I am being watched over. There was a warm gentle breeze that caressed me. This is how God, a God of love over all things, hugs me. I felt invincible and joyous.
I don't think I have ever been so in awe of autumn as I was today. In summer all of the green meshed together, it was easy to see the forest but very difficult to see the tree. That is not the case anymore- with all of their leaves stripped from their bodies I could see every naked form. Still, they were not sad or ashamed of being seen so exposed an vulnerable. They stood tall and unmoving in their bareness. Every angle of every branch beckoned, outstretching it's hand to me. So many arms reached toward me, welcoming me. Again, God was hugging me.
A hawk passed above, hovering for a second before beginning to circle the field ahead of me. People were out in droves; some of them were alone, meandering on their bike or feet and looking all around, taking in the beauty around them. There were the exercisers, those who looked much more focused on their speed and pacing than the beauty unfolding all around them. There were couples, holding hands and enjoying each other's companionship. And there were families, parents taking their kids to go explore the wonders of Mother Earth. I swear to you, I do not see people as consistently happy as they are on that trail. There are smiles everywhere.
I finally reached Antrim Park, swooping around the corner just in time to get a bug square in the eye. I stopped to get it out and when I finally did I took a moment to look around.
I think what I experienced was one of the most beautiful emotions I've ever felt. The sun was perfect and golden, the clouds had parted to one of the bluest skies I've ever seen. The color of the water reflected the sky, and the trees were exploding with color on the other side of the lake.
It was perfection.
So that was my ride, a bit of perfection. It always brings my mind back to this shirt I saw at blendapparel.com. There was a picture on this billboard that said "Everything will be OK." but someone had crossed off "will be" and written "is already". "Everything is already OK." It's those moments of perfection that string you along in this space.
Cause we've got some joy up in this place. Bitchez.

I'm grateful for the fact that I had Bush's Baked Bean and then uncooked cauliflower for dinner. Ah, college.
Sorry mom.

2010-10-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here, listening to DMB and watching Henry and Mike play Halo. I am full of spinach, lentil soup, and jimmy john's day old bread. And a few beers.

And in this moment I just wanted to say that I am so happy. About everything. I FEEL SO HAPPY!

And that I love you all. Maybe it's the alcohol talking. Or the fact that I'm about to go to Dave Hedgecoth's house, a man who I think I will very much like but never had a chance to talk with.

I am giving my 2 weeks notice at work tomorrow. And I played the shit out of Strauss 1 today.

In conclusion, a very sloppy one I might add, I am sending so many good vibes to all of you right now.

Boop-a-doop my little boo-boo bears.

Fierce.

Beerce.

Tearce.

MKH

2010-10-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

I am just gonna spit a quick something out before I peace for another shift at the grinds.

Dear strings teachers,

#1- if there's more than one of you please maintain consistency in what you ask for. I am doing what one person tells me only to have the other person come by and correct me, then the original person come back and tells me to go back to what they want. If this is confusing to me as a college student imagine much inconsistency can affect kids.

#2- plan your lesson plans to actually fit the schedule. I understand that you want us to learn good form with these new instruments but at least at this level we have weekly quizzes. When you actually put the bow on the instrument for the first time for maybe ten minutes before the quiz and run through the exercise just four times, that's not very effective.

#3- Be accurate and specific in naming body parts and describing motion. I was told repeatedly to bow and lead with the top of my hand. This leads to too much wrist and a considerable amount of tension in the right arm. Instead, I should be leading with the side of my hand when it is in proper bowing position, the space between the thumb and index finger.

In reality I just feel incredibly overstimulated by learning the violin at 8 3o por la manana. Everything moves. Everything. It's all so external....it's so weeeeeird.

OK, that's all.

I'm grateful for the Titanic Soundtrack. Epic horn guys. Really.

MKHizzle

Wonderwall

2010-10-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

This is perhaps my favorite quote by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love:

“…I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “The Physics of The Quest” – a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. And the rule of QuestPhysics maybe goes like this: “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe.”

I have had many teachers in my life, many of whose wisdom or lessons I didn't allow to penetrate my ego. There are many times I think we all choose not to face and forgive the ugly truths about ourselves and the lives that we lead.

For me, the "Wonderwall" is almost a realization of this, a moment where you look at the journey ahead of you and realize there is this huge barrier between you and a better life full of a little more love and centeredness than you have now. And as you look at the wall, you have to decide, "Do I climb over it? Or do I just turn around and walk at the base of this giant partition?"

Rest in reason. Move in passion.

Make the climb.

I am so lucky that that choice unveiled itself to me and, although I did not recognize it at the time I think it will ultimately shape how I live my life. Not just because I have looked at that one wall and scraped my way up one side and flailed down the other, but because I now have the knowledge and the courage to know that if I continue following my own little red line of life that the truth will not be withheld from me.

So for my own Wonderwall, the person who taught me this lesson for the first time and who helped me to see that I am strong enough, know that I am grateful for you. I appreciate all of the teachers I have had, some of whom are continuing to teach me. But know that I will carry you in my heart always.

Afterall, you're my Wonderwall.

MKH

"But I see in you a beauty that shall not fade away, and in the autumn of your days that beauty shall not be afraid to gaze at itself in the mirror, and it shall not be offended." - Kahlil Gibran, Jesus The Son of Man

2010-10-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

My past is a golden blur.

It radiates and pulses, it is alive.

If I turn around, it blinds me-

Angel rays in my eyes.

So instead I turn towards the darkness

that lies in front of me.

It waits for me.

It calls to me.

I look to both sides-

I see friend and foe

I see heros and heroine addicts.

All of them take steps into the dark-

They are just like me.

They are me.

I see a friend falter-

I watch a friend fall...

Then a man, glowing of his own light

walks over and holds out his hand.

And he says,

"I cannot pull you up alone.

You must first take my hand."

I see my friend hesitate;

Tired of the exhaustion

Tired of the unknown

Tired of wandering in the dark.

But then!

I see a hand unfold

A connection the likes of which have not been seen

Since the day God sparked Adam to life-

As a part of Himself.

As the man lifts my friend to their feet, he looks:

I can sense his warmth

I can feel it engulf me

I can see him banish the dark and the unknown.

I am lost in love.

He says, staring into my friend's eyes,

"There is always the choice to get up.

There is always the choice to continue with the journey.

Most important of all, there is the choice to take my hand-

It is always outstretched and waiting."

And all of us on our paths stop

We watch as the man, burning with the brilliance of

True Enlightenment

Forges fearlessly into the dark

Until he is nothing more than the tiniest pinprick

in the distance.

My friend

Begins shuffling forward

As we all do-

Made One by our journey

Our pasts a golden blur behind us

Our futures nothing but a pinprick in the distance.

2010-10-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Do you ever stop for a moment and think about everything that you do in the day? I'm not talking about "I go to class, I go to work" blah blah blah. No, I mean every minute detail. Walking, chewing, spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread even. We all operate on these minute little details that our bodies know how to do. We have all learned how to grip a knife or walk up stairs and all of these tiny little muscle movements that are involved in all of these activities.

Here's my next question- have you ever started overanalyzing these everyday tasks so it actually becomes difficult? Test it out sometime- the next time you go to brush your teeth, micromanage everything. Think about how your fingers shape and grip to open the toothpaste, or even how your wrist moves when you are moving in the proper circular motion for 2-3 minutes at least twice a day. You will find yourself faltering, the brain is trying to comprehend and cognatively manage everything. Even worse is when you find yourself doubting your ability to do something you've done a million times before. For example, the other day I was riding my bike home after a really crappy day. My lesson was despicable, class was dry and unfulfilling, and I was just exhausted and cranky. While riding up the slope to my apartment, I though, "Watch me fall off my bike, that would be the perfect cap to the day." Sure enough my foot slipped not two seconds later and off I tumbled. The fact that I fell off my bike is ridiculous- I ride all the time. At the risk of being cheesy, my bike and I are one. I just feel comfortable when I ride. Nevertheless, on one of the easiest sections I've ever ridden off I flew.

Here is my point- this whole thought process directly relates to horn. Sorry if the end point is a bit of a let down... but hey, horn=life. I've played for over ten years now, over half of my life. I have played basically every note on my horn at least once. I need to stop doubting myself so much and just play. Granted I can make everything "easier" as Henniss would say and my consistency can go up, but I need to trust that I've got mad horn skills. In the words of the Barenacked Ladies, "It's all been doooone befooooore." So yeah, I need to pull my head out of my head and just know that I've been playing horn almost as long as I've been riding a bike.

Alright, that's all I've got.

Gratitude: This sermon:http://www.stonybrookumc.org/Websites/stonybrookumc/Images/One_Month_to_Live_Living_the_Dash_Rev_Dr_Mike_Bowie_October_3_2010.mp3

Also Arnold Palmers. Dericious.

Facebook Creeping

2010-10-07T21:13:00.001-07:00

I have a sort of daily regimine for facebook creeping. There are certain people that I check every day- family, dear friends, etc. Other people I avoid altogether either because they annoy me or various other reasons. There is one person that I check up on frequently that I really have no connection to.

Her name is Kaitlin. She graduated from Brockport High School one year before I did. I remember her- we played softball together and once I actually nailed her in the head with a hard throw. And I was the second most powerful arm on the team...that must've jostled some stuff loose. Poor girl...

She has a kid now, a son named Dylan. I see that she's back with the baby's father after they split for a little while. She is back in school. For some weird reason I find myself just wanting her to succeed- to be a good parent and to be able to provide a comfortable life for her and her family. I want to see her happy and fulfilled.

I think in many ways it's sometimes nice to get that kind of "this is what my life could've been if I made different choices" perspective.

I am thankful for my path but also very grateful that she is on hers and doing the best she can. In the end I think that's really all you can do.

I apologize if this post is kind of creepy.

Different strokes for different folks-

MKH

Ode to Dave Matthews

2010-10-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Dave Matthews,

I do not know why I am so in love with you. You are 44....you have 3 kids and a wife....you are kinda pudgy and balding.

But I am totally in love with you.

You don't really speak in sentences, you just kind of send out garbbled fragments into the world. You've smoked half the pot the world has ever produced.

But your voice is like sex to me. It's so smooooookey.

Probs from that pack a day thing.

Your mouth and eyebrows are incredibly engaging.

I like the way your leg jiggles when you play and sing.

And I know that if we ever actually had a go:

1- this would never happen

2- I would probably become annoyed at your inability to form complete sentences and your abstract metaphors.

3- your wife would probably kill me....understandably

So for now I will leave my slight obsession with you in the category of "life's mysteries".

Grateful for: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8aFX3fJNV4

"And he thanked God for the weed."

Also, feel free to ask me about my original composition "Night Tuna". It's a keeper.

Mung it up.

Mariah

The last ones a poster in my room. Shh, don't tell.

"Don't Ever Let Your Mind Stop You From Having a Good Time."

2010-10-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hola, mis amigos. Lo siento para no escribiendo para una semana.

I am pretty sure most of that is incorrect but hey, it's been going on 5 years since I took spanish. Me gusta tocar la guitarra.

Allllright. This has been...just a weird-ass start to the quarter. It feels so completely different that any other year I've been here, and I think it's a good thing. I think this is a fresh start. I think that maybe I have nothing left to lose in the scholastic and horn sense.

On Wednesday I saw Jason Mraz for the third time. Let me tell you, that man is absolute magic. Because we want to help the earth and also because it was an absolutely gorgeous day, Jena and I rode our bikes and arrived with wind-swept hair and rosey cheeks. We both had ordered through the fan club which means we got "jump the line" passes which allowed us to enter the gates 15 minutes before everyone else. In a general seating venue like the LC, THIS IS A BIG FREAKING DEAL. We were second row. Second....row.... as in, there was the stage, then a fence, one person, THEN US. Oi.

The opening act was really cool and set the vibe up for Mraz really well. If you get the chance check out Luke and the Lovingtons. The first thing I noticed is that Luke made eye contact with me. I have never been to a concert, classical or otherwise, where this happened. Those kind of seats are so cool because it makes the whole experience so personal. Throughout the concert 5 people were called up on stage, one of whom was the girl standing directly behind me. She was screaming in a high-pitched voice, "I LOVE YOU JASOOOOON EEEEEEEEEE OH MY GOD JASOOOON I LOVE YOUUUUUUU." Over and over again. Another was a girl who screamed, "I CAN BE YOUR COLBIE!!!!" while Jason was singing "Lucky" and then elbowed her way up to the front, pushing me and Jena out of the way. Then when she was called up she didn't know any of the words, prompting Mraz to change the lyrics to "Oh my God..." at one point.

My mind wandered back to auditions and the masterclass we had on this past Tuesday. It seems that the world rewards the people who blindly go after what they want, even if they sacrifice tact, respect, and kindness. The world responds to blind ambition.

I wanted to be asked on stage...

I wanted to dance with Jason....

I wanted to be in Wind Symphony...

So here I am meditating on this. I don't judge these people for doing what they did- most of them turn out to be hilarious and even if they weren't everything that has happened I believe is appreciated by the people whom good fortune has smiled upon. But still, I sit here and think if I should give up being kind and respectful. I wonder if maybe being vain or selfish is a good thing because it seems to me that you almost need to be to be successful. I think about this. I envision myself acting that way. And I always come back to the same conclusion: I am not that person.

I will always try to act out of kindness and selflessness. I will always be respectful of music and people, even if that means that I don't get called on the stage. My strength will not be from being picked out of a crowd but rather by connecting with everyone in that crowd. And I have to believe that God knows that I have this power and strength inside of me and because of that, I don't need to make Wind Symphony just yet. My ego, my heart can take the blow this time. And I will look back on what happened, brush myself off, and tell myself that it was for the best. Because when I auditioned, I played for a chair. I played for the approval of Mikkelson, Allen, and Henniss. When I played, it was for all of the wrong reasons. And that is why I failed. It is my job to sacrifice all that I can for the music itself. It is not about what chair I am or who beat me, but rather about the message that I can convey with my horn and the lives that I can touch by doing what I do. All of it, the degree, the etudes, the scales, all of it doesn't matter if it's not going into the music. I am not here to be lifted up or any of that. In the end, I will take off my shoes, unbutton my pants, sit down, and play the shit out of my horn.

Mraz did look at me, 3 or 4 times in fact. And although it was only a few seconds of eye contact it meant the world to me, because from that one look I could tell that he wasn't here for himself. He was here for the music. And he was here because whatever he had tapped into had found a way into all of our hearts and changed us. I felt his gratitude and love. I felt his humaness. And I know it sounds cheesy to say that all of that came from one glance, but it did. You could FEEL it.

I will let my love radiate from within me. I will not operate out of blind ambition, but rather blind FAITH. I will trust that if I put one foot in front of the other I will get there. I will be fueled by my love for music and improvement and those times that you hit a note in the dead center and the lights overhead rattle as if God is saying, "Yes, that's the spot!"

I will practice hard so I can follow this dream. Cause I know that if I trust in everything that has happened and where I want to go, I will get there.

Get some.

And maybe try smiling at everyone you meet tomorrow.

Peace out girl scout,

MKH

I am grateful for the part of me that sits there and just smiles back at you. Howdy. How you doin?

The Turning Point

2010-09-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem in 9th grade, called The Pivot. It talked about this pivot point, to turn one direction is one life. It is a life full of questions with answers and comfort. The other way is a long road, many questions with few answers. This life is a journey.

So I think I've finally hit this pivot. Tiffany was talking about how this happens sometimes, you reach a point where you either chose the road to improvement and mastery or chose the road of comfort. I do not want to do anything else with my life, I do not want to major in Russian nor do I just want to be an educator. Education is not a back-up, I believe that all of the knowledge I'm gaining is making me a better musician. And I also believe that I will enjoy teaching very much. HOWEVER- I want my freaking turn in the spotlight. I see concerts and I feel a pull to be up on the stage. When I feel the most comfortable it is when I'm sitting in an ensemble and just surrounded by music. THIS. IS. WHAT. I. WANT.

I know that I've said that I'm realizing how much it takes, but this time I am making the conscious choice to stop being scared. I am not going to be hesitant. I am not going to be overly-concerned about working around other people. I am done with reflecting and letting personal problems get in the way. You wanna know why? Cause fuck that. I am strong, smart, and I don't need you to like to me to prove my self worth.

You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

And so it begins....again.

2010-09-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in my kitchen with my lovely roomates. Aka friendmates, a term coined by my friend Stephanie who at one point was a friendmate of Henry but not me, but still a friend of mine. We tight.

Auditions are over! I did alright I think- mostly I just enjoyed the interaction between myself and the panel members. Those guys crack me up, and the chemistry between Dr. Allen and Dr. Mikkelson is hilarious. For example, before I played my audition Dr. Allen told me that he actually knew where Brockport was. In fact he had been there. That has literally never happened since I've been at OSU. Not by one person. Ever. Naturally, I automatically fell in love with Dr. Allen. On my way out he asked, "Oh...what's the name of the coffee place on main street, to the right...right after the bridge?" I instantly answered the only coffee place in Brockport- "Oh, you mean Java Junction?" "Yes!" Meanwhile Mikkelson is sitting there cracking up. I don't really know why but I think it was because of the huge lack of relevance. Personally it put my mind at ease.

It was also great seeing everyone back- I really did hate seeing the school of music so completely DEAD. It was creepy. Now the sounds that used to annoy me such as the blarring trumpet on the 4th floor or the jazz sax playing the same I find comforting. Yeah....that will last all of a week. If that. Actually make that the end of this week.

Some goals for the quarter:

1- I am just taking the classes I need. I meant to take Ballet but I think it will just be too much. Instead this open spot will go to practicing. That way I can get most of my practicing out of the way by dinner time, which means after dinner can go to homework!

2- Naturally I will become amazing at horn. This is a given.

3- 4.OH. This is completely plausible.

4- Professional standing in 1 quarter. Boosh.

5- Work. Cause I have to. 25 to 3o hours a week.

6- Exercising slash taking care of myself.

That's about it. In case you didn't know, I can do this. It will happen.

My apartment is AWESOME by the way. I finally have a home of my own. Ahhh. More to come later on that, probably an entire post. There may be pictures involved. I know, this is a very enticing proposition.

Here's to doing your own thang.

MKH

I an grateful for not coming out of the audition in tearce. I am also so very grateful to see so many people that I really like spending time with. I am a very fortunate person.

2010-09-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

First off- I apologize for the last post. Everyone has their dark times but I apparently feel the need to publish mine? I don't know why, but I know it got me into trouble in high school, looks pathetic, and really is no one else's business. So, in the future I will keep that shit to myself.

Here are a few of my thoughts recently:

I am sick and tired of the disclaimer that comes with college relationships, everyone having the expectation that it will fail. Don't get too entangled, you are only 20, chances are it won't work out, etc... Do you know how old that gets? Even if it's true, especially in terms of financial entanglement I would like to say 2 things- #1 I am not an idiot. I know that a large percentage of college relationships don't work out. So I will not start a joint bank account or anything with a man I met 2 years ago.
#2- I don't think that anyone realized how much it hurts to have people expect your relationship to fail. That is not fair. Because if something is repeated by so many people in your life, it does set in. Even if I don't believe it, my mind still takes the time to decide to reject that idea and in that time it's implanted itself in my brain. It's not worth my time. So stop bringing it up. It is so incredibly rude really and the future is scary and uncertain enough without your lack of support. So, in conclusion, shut up. I don't appreciate your lack of faith. Duh end.

The other thought I am too tired to completely write down right now- it's been quite a weekend. Because of the tornado on Thursday I didn't leave for New York until Friday, when I drove for 7 hours from Columbus to Syracuse. I then proceeded to fit in a summer's worth of fun into one night. I then drove up to Rochester for my cousin's bridal shower- I am so excited for her! I freaking love weddings. After that my family and I visited my grandparents, my sister and I went to the mall where a substantial amount of female bonding occurred (for the first time in a very long time!), and then to an old firehouse remodeled to be a restaurant for some grub. I love my family in such an intense way. All of them really, but the women I find really inspiring. And despite the moaning about cramps, hormones, and a decent amount of maintainence, I LOVE being a woman. Fierce!

I have an idea that is starting in my mind of a special performance at the end of my recital. It's supposed to be a celebration after all!

I am grateful for my family and for coming from a family with such beautiful and strong women. They are all an inspiration for me.

Boop-a-doop,
MKH

2010-09-16T13:15:00.001-07:00

"I'm not coming out of this box until everyone has forgotten me."- Julia Nunes

I've gotten to the point where I don't know if I need a therapist or a priest or a hug. Get low, baby. It's time for me to get low and let go.

An Apology

2010-09-10T06:36:00.001-07:00

Henry David Thoreau once said,"I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience."

I find this completely true. I cannot judge the world based on anyone else's experiences, only what I see through my own eyes. There is the hope that deep down in all of us there is a common ground but we are all taking different paths to be there, so by really knowing yourself you are actually getting to know others.

Nevertheless, I wanted to apologize to anyone who reads this- if anyone reads this- for consistently rambling on about myself. I promise that once I actually start socializing and interacting with other people again this will change. After all, how can I write about things that I don't find to be true though my own experience?

Dreams

2010-09-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've never been quite sure of what dreams are. My parents made me believe that there is something of importance to be found in them, especially those dreams you just can't shake when you wake. The people who say that they mean nothing....well quite frankly I think they are dumb. There has to be something causing these complex thoughts and situations in our brains when in reality the only thing we are seeing is the back of our eyelids. One group of people says it's your subconscious trying to feed you what going on inside of you. Another says that dreams are God trying to communicate with us. Another says they are memories from a past life. And even another says they are just the products of your imagination, the human creative spirit at work. I think maybe it's all of these.

When I was little I had normal dreams- there was one I had in 1st grade where I flew! I was jumping from one giant geometric shape to another; cube to cylinder and then, when I tried for the sphere and slipped off, I simply took flight. It was amazing. My nightmares were normal, spiders chasing me, always something chasing me. I had such an overactive imagination that I pictured the villains and monsters of my nightmares chasing my into my parents room as I leapt into their bed for comfort.

When I got older the spiders turned into something a bit more sinister- Nazis. A lot of them. I would always try to be invisible, always concentrate all of my energy on just being overlooked by them. And there were times that I escaped, but then again there were times I did not. People underestimate how exhausting dreams can be. I would wake up tense and exhausted.

There was also one time I prayed the rosary and to God to help me find my Area All-State music because I had misplaced and I was in DEEP shit. I had a dream that it was in a file cabinet, in a plastic bag with a bunch of other papers. I woke up and told my mom about it who then riffled through plastic bags full of various papers from our messy lives and, sure enough, there it was. See, God will provide!

There was another time I dreamt I met God in the post office. He leaned down and whispered something in my ear. I remember that dream because I woke up just feeling this light bursting within me, all of this love radiating throughout my body.

Recently, my dreams have taken a dark turn. Pretty consistently actually. It started with the Holocaust dreams- almost weekly I would dream of being a Jew during WWII and subsequently the Holocaust. Other than that, I have been to a slumber party that turned into everyone hanging themselves. I have also identified my father in a morgue, but he was wearing mime make-up for some weird reason. I have seen Henry shot in the back of the head, I have been hunted by a serial rapist and killer and that my father was a serial killer. And Irish one actually. I have awoken so many times with such grief in my heart, I don't know what to do about it anymore. These are not normal dreams. I would kill to just be naked in public, pop out a baby, or lose a few teeth, all of which are "normal" nightmares.

I don't think I am a morbid person. I really just don't understand why my mind is full of these constant and REALISTIC thoughts of death. It sucks.

Good dreams are nice too- I had one where Dave Matthews gave me a private concert. I also had one where I was getting a free lesson from Gail Williams. I just think that to counterbalance my bad dreams, I need it to be Christmas every day in my good dreams. Do they have dream analysts?

Get me one of those.

Funny enough, it is time for bed.

Good night everyone! Sweet dreams.

Mariah

2010-09-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

I had a cannoli over the weekend...2 actually. And then an Italian bakery sub- roast beef, lettuce, tomato, onion, provalone. Bread baked that day. Oh my god, delicious. I also consumed- organic and locally grown apples, fresh mini-donuts fried right in front of me smothered in cinnamon and sugar. Homemade oatmeal raisin cookie. BBQ chicken, cornbread, seafood corn chowder, mac and cheese, and a peach "round pie". Aka tart. Greens and beans- my mom's specialty- which consists of sausage, escarole, and a certain kind of bean. And fresh baked rye bread. Ice cream. 2 Pumpkin spice lattes with soy. Frozen grapes, a cheese sandwich, and a tomato, feta, and onion omelette. I ATE IT ALL! And you know what?

IT WAS FREAKING DELICIOUS.

I love food, I do. In my family it has always been a way to show love and caring. Dinner time was a very big deal for my mom who would come home after a full day of teaching and cook us a meal. My extended family also values food- good food, good beer, and good people. That is our unspoken motto. There is a very sincere possibility that this is an unhealthy attachment and has probably lead to my struggles with weight. Foods trigger memories- my grandfather picking me up from preschool and giving me a few slices of sharp cheddar. Candy corn reminds me of the time I was sick for Halloween and my cousin went trick-or-treating for me and gave me all of the candy. And perhaps the most delicious memory of all- turkey, stuffing, gravy brussels sprouts on a Sunday after youth orchestra. I absolutely love brussels sprouts...and asparagus for that matter. I do however HATE lima beans...it's a texture thing. And of course lima beans remind me of Alexander and the No Good Very Bad Day, a children's book my mom used to read us.

To me, food means family and friends. It means comfort and warmth. I am learning self-control when it comes to food and have almost been forced to learn this as a very poor college student. Maybe it was the independence of finally shopping for myself that has alighted my love for cooking. I will always have onion in my house. That is necessary. I really enjoy the European outlook on food. Italians and the French eat buttery croissants and drink whole milk cappuccinos but they have LESS of it. Granted the first paragraph is the opposite of this philosophy, but think about how much more satisfied you are after you head a delicious and well-prepared meal versus ordering a Big Mac. That need to keep eating disappears because you appreciate what you are putting into your body and savour every bite. I am seriously considering living on produce, fresh baked bread, and olives next year. Oh and cheese. Mmm cheese.

In conclusion I am actually just very hungry and waiting for work to be over so I can go eat dinner.

I am grateful for Jena Shellhammer. She is back in the United States today. And I see her tomorrow. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I am also very grateful for Henry coming to New York with me. I also just love New York. I am proud to be from there and always will be.

Love you all,

MKH

Letchworth State Park. It's in New York. Ownage.

2010-09-03T10:46:00.001-07:00

A man just hit on me by saying, "Come paint my house, baby!" while staring at my unmentionable parts. Ohhhhhhh man. Sexy.

OH MY SWEET JESUS I NEED A CANNOLI. Very rarely to I crave something this hardcore. But...I need one. Who wants to fly me to Boston so I can go to Mike's? Hmmm?

OK, heading home for the weekend. Henry's back which makes me very happy- we went to the season opener yesterday! Spontaneously! It's very exciting for me to see Henry goes through his professional life and see things come together for him. Every audition, every band, and every performance is one step closer to being the complete musician that the military bands are looking for. As you get older- yes I'm aware that we're barely out of our teens- but I think it's getting to be more obvious to both of us that life is about the journey, not the destination. Cliche, yes but also very correct. I am so proud of him.

Boosh- MKH

Dead Gnats, Hair, and Mouse Crap- OH MY!

2010-08-31T18:54:00.001-07:00

Moved myself out of my apartment today. Subsequently exhausted. Will probably only speak in sentence fragments.

Mouse in mah house- found it earlier in the week. Poop everywhere when cleaning. Worried about disease ie plague? Carried by rats? Wait- maybe the asian black rat? something weird like that.

Dead gnats all up in the fridge. Scared to eat my food.

Hair...everywhere....shower drain....like a freaking horror movie.

So so tired- hard to carry a mattress anywhere by yourself. Also didn't eat anything but a banana till 8pm.

Now I have an Arnold Palmer. Lite of course, watching the flab as always.

May take multiple showers until I feel clean.

Henry---> auditioning tomorrow for Army Ceremonial Band. Please send lots of good juju his way.

Night loves.

Mariah

Splatitude of gratitude:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8x-7v3PJ6Eg

Pictured: Cathedral in Kosice, Slovakia. Most beautiful church I've ever been in. Trumps St. Patty's.

My Baby Blue

2010-08-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

I still think about him a lot, maybe more than I should.

It was February 2nd, my sister texted me, "Danny Langfelder killed himself!" I was at a concert that the Berlin Woodwind Quintet was putting on; talk about a punch in the stomach. At intermission I called my mom. All she said was, "Oh Mariah..." and I knew he was gone.

"And you'll forever my baby be..."

My dad was one of the first people Danny's father Robert called. Danny was found in his dorm room, not breathing. We later found out that he had been missing home for some time previous to this day. He had struggled with depression and some other issues in his life, but he was on his way back. He talked to his dad earlier that day saying that the medication he was on was finally starting to take effect and he was feeling better. No one knows if that was the point he decided to take his own life, or if the medication altered his mental state and made him think that taking more pills would make him feel better. The reasoning is still a mystery but the outcome was inescapable.

"I confess I'm not quite ready to be left..."

Danny and I were childhood playmates, thrown together because our dads were good friends. I remember little snippets of our time together- we always used to make Creepy Crawlers together. That was OUR thing. I also remember going to his birthday party and not knowing anyone there (we went to different schools) but still feeling welcome. That was the thing about Danny, he always made everyone feel like they belonged. No matter how alone or disliked you thought you were, one look from those baby blues and you knew you had a friend.

"You give, you give, to this I can attest."

Danny and I eventually drifted apart. The last time we hung out he had moved to Brockport. He showed me his drum set- the boy was a beast. We saw each other at school, always exchanged smiles. He was such a light in the hallways, he radiated. It's funny how I found out more about him after he passed than I knew about him in life. Maybe not funny. Maybe tragic. He was a young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He didn't understand the cruelties he saw, how people could be so ugly to each other. I never saw or heard of him turning his back or judging a single soul. He was too good for this world.

"I will forever cause you'll forever be my one true broken heart."

I wish more than anything that I could have been there for him. I wonder if he knew what was happening, if he was scared. He went when God called him but I long to have been there to hold his hand, to put his head on my lap, stroke his hair and tell him that it was going to be OK. It was not his fault, I don't think. I just pray that he is happy. Danny touched so many lives with his kindness, his quirkiness, and his spirit.

"You're my baby blue."

My parents told me about the effects Danny's death had on his parents. They had to overcome some of their religious views about suicide. I cannot believe that God would abandon those who took their own lives. Can you imagine how alone they must feel in order to think that taking their own lives is the only way out? Or how much despair and hopelessness shrouds them? Or even how sick they were, how their brain screwed them over? There is no way a God of love would turn his back when his children need him the most. Danny's dad especially rediscovered his spirituality and grew more excepting. As Kahlil Gibran writes, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." There was a memorial service in Brockport for Danny at a skate park he used to frequent. My parents said that a large array of people showed up to share stories about Danny. Danny enriched the lives of people from every social class and click. That memorial service was a conglomerate of who wouldn't normally meet but who were brought together to remember this remarkable life. Even after he was gone Danny was bringing people together.

I think about you all the time, Danny. I am so grateful to have known you. I think you are happy up there; maybe that burden you carried all your life is finally lifted. I miss you. And I will always miss you.

I love you.

"You will rest your head, your strength once saving

And when you wake you will fly away

Holding tight to the legs of all your angels.

Goodbye my love into your blue, blue eyes.

Your blue, blue world-

You're my baby blue."

New Tattoo?

2010-08-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to get a second tattoo...not sure where. But this is the last one, promise. The first one was a personal reminder and this one is just...awesome.

Lila (Leela):

"literally 'play', 'amusement' or 'pastime'; the idea that the apparent creation is a diversion for a creator - a means for Him to enjoy Himself."

It perfectly plays off of my געדענקען (remember in Yiddish) tattoo. For me this was meant to symbolize remembering the past and incorporating it into who you grow into. Life is cummulative so we must try hard to learn what we can from all of our experiences and remember those lessons as we move on in life.

Lila, or लीला balances that ideal- while it is important to remember and learn, sometimes you must have a little fun. Dance, play, be free! If life is just a diversion and past time for God, who are we to take it so seriously?

The only problem is I'm slowly becoming a collage of random languages.

Also- I have a new favorite quote.

He who binds to himself a joy

Does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise. "
-William Blake

This is completely something I struggle with. Letting go of the good things while they are still beautiful and joyous rather than trying to hold onto things that I am not meant to have- at least not at the time. Every single Thanksgiving I would cry because everyone had to go home. Instead of appreciating what had occurred (an onslaught of good food, wrestling, and football) I cried because it was over. This is definitely something that I have worked on since March. I guess overall it was a big year- there were many aspects of life that I dealt with that I never thought I would have to. The big lesson that continually slapped me in the face is the world is NOT black and white. Granted there are some things that are- aka murder is always wrong. But there are interactions and connections that we share with people that are so... indistinguishable. So incredibly grey. And that is not to say that they are wrong- It is only to say that it is our own judgements on a situation that make it good or bad. I choose good- no regrets. But now I am talking in circles...

Henry is off to DC! These past few weeks have been amazingly good for him and given him the ability to do what he wants to do and maybe reflect on the past few years. Poor boy has not had a break in years. I mean that sincerely. Years.

I will miss him a lot while he is gone, but he is off to do great things! Represent!

Much love folks,

Mariah

Grateful for Rochester Philharmonic Youth Orchestra 2006-2007. We were SO FREAKING GOOD.

My Perfect Sunday

2010-08-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

Hello all- Big news:

I AM NO LONGER A TEENAGER! Here's a summary of my birthday weekend. Honestly it was one of my best, and significantly better than my 7th birthday when my mom threw her back out and I spent most of the day throwing up cookies and cream ice cream. My big project that day was building a robot out of all the boxes my presents had come in because the sick me couldn't really do much else with a bicycle helmet. OK, tangent ended.

The drive home sucked. Hardcore. I got cut off, detoured, a little lost, and severely exhausted. I realized how mentally discombobulated I was when I was talking to my car, my only companion on the 7 1/2 hour trip, and told him, "The french horn sound is like a rich dark fudge, everyone else is just a stupid little hershey bar." But soon enough I made it home to say goodbye to Stephanie and Ross, both of whom were heading back to college the next day. Then I passed out.

The next day I woke up and went to a salon for a little primping time. Then I headed home because a whole bunch of my family was coming over! It was awesome- there was a taco bar courtesy of my mother's hard work, Texas Caviar (look it up), Beer Bread, and various beverages. I was so grateful for everyone who came out- my family and friends mean the world to me. The get-together wasn't high budget or really revolving around my birthday but it was perfect and exactly what I needed. As night fell and people began going to bed Nneka, Kelly, and I remained sitting around the fire pit on the patio. There is something about sitting around a fire that always leads to deep philosophical conversations. Sure enough, the conversation that ensued was...simply amazing. I am so impressed with both of their insights, their dedication to living life to the fullest, and not being blind to what life is about no matter how painful it might be. Or how joyous! We discussed everything from the overmedication of EVERYONE these days, to how the technological advances of recent years have impacted our generation. The so-called "ground zero mosque" situation was touched upon, and most importantly the crazy "Living the metaphor" idea which will be expanded upon at a later date.

My actual birthday was ballin'. Church was AWESOME- there was a full jazz combo playing with the gospel choir and there was no way you could NOT feel God. And the best part was, after an amazing homily by Father Jim (Our goal is not to TEACH about Jesus, our goal is to BE Jesus) Jonathan came up and sang! As a creepy side note his partner looks a lot like Dave Matthews. Then my parents and I went to Simply Crepes, talked about crazy life things and racking up a huge bill. But hey, it's mah birfday! Plus they were paying...

We visited my grandparents, went shopping (where I fell in love with Anthropologie but subsequently couldn't afford any of it), and then came home for some strawberry shortcake.

This post was a little rushed but hey...it was perfect.

Mung it up.

Mariah

A Day in the Life- Weekday

2010-08-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

Every morning I somehow get my sorry ass out of bed. Some days at 5:25 so I can go practice for an hour before work. When I get up then it is still dark out, the streets are fairly empty. The newspaper man is the only person I come across on High Street. Hughes is completely deserted.

Other days I wake up at 6:25 and make it to work just on time. Same clothes every day, no make-up, no attempt to present myself well. All of us meet with our hoods up at the picnic table outside of the Neil Building. All of us wishing we were still asleep. We grunt a few morning greetings then are cooped up into our little cells- single rooms with sparse sunlight and white walls.

"And they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same."

Once in this room I will paint everything the same bland color. Then I will move onto the next room. I don't see anyone else save for our lunch break where a few conversations are held before we our stuffed back into our own solitary confinement. I do this for ten and a half hours a day. 7 am until 5:3o pm. Every day.

When I get out, I go home and cook dinner. If Henry is around we'll eat together and chill for a little bit. He is normally about the 3rd real conversation of the day I've had. After that I run, practice- both of which are fairly solitary functions- and then go to bed. This is what my life is day after day.

Someone...Anyone....please save me.

Epic Day

2010-08-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

#1- Money sucks because like it or not it does kind of rule the way you live.

#2- This summer I've been paranoid and pretty conservative in an attempt to save the subject of #1 for tuition.

#3- I just sold my horn- the previous 2 points are now void. I plan to treat myself to sushi, sticky rice, and mango from Nida's.

2010-08-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

I was a very difficult teenager. I was not "bad" at all, but I was very, impossibly, and consistently difficult. For some reason in 7th grade I got it into my tiny pubescent brain that shutting everyone and everything out was the best thing for me to do with my time. I was angry about everything, about the babysitters and being a latchkey kid, about the time I wasted in school when everything was still so easy for me to do well in. I was angry about being fat. I thought I had it all figured out and that everyone around me was insignificant and not worth my time. My goal in life was to make everyone as miserable as I was. Yes. It's true. I was a COMPLETE asshole.

However, I remember one specific experience that broke through the shell. For as long as I can remember I had been raised Catholic-like. I don't really know what to call it, but we always attended a Catholic church. As a child the messages are kind of the same throughout all Sunday Schools- Jesus loves you. You must respect and obey the Ten Commandments. And, as is the Catholic way, weigh kids down with a severe amount of guilt and an intense understanding that no matter what you do you are never worthy of God's love. I swear, guilt is to Catholicism what butter is to Julia Child. BUT my parents were never satisfied with the teachings of the Catholic Church so we were constantly church-hopping. The longest we ever stayed at a church was Saint Elizabeth Ann Seaton in Hamlin, New York. This is the church where I received my first Holy Communion, was confirmed, and was baptized. All at the same time. I still remember that the priest held my head underwater in the baptismal fountain for way too long... Anyways, that ended up not working out and my parents heard of this church in the city called Spiritus Christi. This church was excommunicated from the Catholic Church for ordaining women, accepting homosexuals, and generally loving EVERYONE without acception as Christ Himself taught. I went in skeptical and very awkward- these were the years I thought everyone was constantly looking at and judging me. But no one did judge me. Everyone smiled like they already knew me. I still sat there with arms crossed over my chest and looking miserable- until the choir sang. The gospel choir...I wish I had a video to show you, but here are all of these suburban looking people, most of them white, just SINGING. If you want to experience a wall of human sound, this choir is it. I felt it with them, I felt them filling the room with God's presence. I clapped and I smiled. And for once I didn't care what I looked like, I just needed to move. I needed to be a part of what was happening.

After Communion, a short man with dread locks came to the front of the choir and sang "Stand" by Donnie McClurkin. It wasn't 2 lines in before I was covered with goosebumps. By the end I was crying. I have never seen someone to this day surrender themselves up like that. He didn't care if he missed notes because he wasn't singing for any of us. He was singing for God. I tear up just thinking about it.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I miss my church a lot, I miss sharing my Sunday mornings with Jonathan, the man who sings for no one but God. I miss...well I don't know. I feel like after this point what I get becomes too personal so I'm going to switch to my journal. Rachmaninoff's Ave Maria...youtube it when you get the chance...

-Mariah

I am grateful for those goosebump God moments.

Picture is worth a thousand words...

2010-08-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

Guess What?

2010-08-10T04:28:00.000-07:00

The coolest thing happened to me last night- I was walking around Hughes trying to find a practice room around 9pm when I stumbled upon this man, sitting with the lights off and playing piano.

Let me tell you, walking in on someone else practicing is one of the most awkward experiences that can occur. It's like you're committing a complete invasion of privacy, as if you're walking in on someone whacking off instead of someone playing an instrument. The encounters are always the same- you wildly throwing open the door, the immediate cut-off of music, the awkward eye contact as you apologize and back quickly out of the room. Tell me that doesn't sound like a mom who has just walked in on her teenage son during his "special time".

Regardless, this encounter was VERY different. He invited me in, saying that he was finishing up and I could have the room. I tried to tell him I could mozy down to 312 but he said, "I insist." so I stayed. It ended with an hour long discussion about music, perspectives on life, and a whole lot of piano playing. His name is Dan and he was majoring in engineering until he discovered that engineering doesn't really add to the human experience. He was therefore switching his major to jazz piano. I listened to him play Thelonius Monk, Disney tunes, Bach inventions, the Beatles, and I even just listened to him sitting there and grooving. We discussed the fission between the classical and jazz realms and how both sides could benefit from attempting to learn what the other did. But I think the topic we discussed most frequently was the fact that music is human. And while it is necessary for all true musicians to sit and practice, if you have no knowledge of the human condition you have no real place in music. You can learn from your own experience or from others, but you must be able to feel joy and heartache in order to become a complete performer. Because in the end you must perform not necessarily for the approval of your audience, but you have to have some kind of message you want to convey. General people enjoy what they can identify with. Humaness, emotion, all of it. You must be in touch with what people are entertained by as well. You are in the business of selling yourself to people. Dan is also a juggler and street performer so he knows what people want to see.

It ended in a metaphysical discussion about how we are tiny and basically insignificant, there are mysteries we will never know the answer to, and in the end we will die. Some might find this depressing but I think it's kind of liberating. The worst mistake you can make won't actually make the slightest bit of difference in the big scheme of things. That's not to say that everything is futile, but stop worrying about everything people! Be happy, be kind, love deeply, and live life to the fullest because in the end you are only cheating yourself out of a possibly fantastic lifetime.

Alright. I am stepping off the soapbox. The point is- talk to people. They're kind of awesome. And you never know what you might find.

MKH

I have been sleeping with the same Simba stuffed animal since I was 5. I still do- especially when I feel lonely which has been a lot recently. No pity party because that's what I am grateful for, my Simba! Maybe I should show some more shame...

So Much To Say

2010-08-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

In many many ways I am about thirty years old. I do not drink irresponsibly- although officially I drink not at all due to age. Also, when faced with the decision between anything and sleep, I always choose sleep. Always. I enjoy a good game of euchre as well. Yes indeed. I am thirty.

BUT-

there is one way I think I am still 19. And young, full of promise, blah blah blah, and that is my dreams. There is the fact that my life could take all of these possible roads and that the entire world is my oyster! Which is an awesome feeling. So here we go, some fantasies that pass through my mind from day-to-day.

#1- Being a world famous and world class conductor. I don't want to be directly in the limelight....well I mean I would kind of be, but the ability to shape and interpret music and share it with the world would be freaking awesome.

#2- Culinary school. I love food in a pretty big way. And as I grow older I find my palate is becoming more developed- I enjoy all of these new flavors and more importantly as I cook more I realize how amazing food is! So the plan is to eventually go to culinary school as I take gigs on and off broadway to help pay for it. Win.

#3- Rock star. Or just popular musician. Part of it is that I've caught the fame bug. Being famous, when balanced and managed well, can be a fantastic. A dear friend recently gave me some Dave Matthews Band CDs and I've become addicted. Can you imagine being Dave Matthews Band famous? Imagine looking out and seeing thousands of people gathered just to hear what you've written and the message you want to convey. That's one of the most rewarding experiences I can think of.

What is comes down to is: I've got so much to say. And I've got so much to give, I want to cook for people and sing to them and collaborate with them. I want to connect with them, be there in some weird way to help the rejoice in the good times and give them hope in the bad. Chin up love, it will all be OK. Over this hill there's a beautiful sunrise. This is what I mean by I feel like I'm going to explode- I just want to touch all the people I can and not in some weird self-validating way but because that human connection is what we're all here for. No matter what you think it is not the job or having money (although I'm realizing how much not having any can weigh on a person) that will make us happy or fulfilled. It is the connections that we share with other people that we will really be remembered for and what really affects the world around us. I think this is why teaching is so appealing to me- to have that kind of impact on kids would be such an honor and such a huge responsibility. This is why being a rock star would be so appealing; not only do I get to play for an audience but I would form a bond with my bandmates. One thing hold true for all of these situations from what I've gathered and that is in order to really give all of yourself you must get over yourself. Self-conscious on the podium? Forget about it kid. Trying to jam or write anything without being able to accept criticism or while feeling hesitant? It will be an instant flop. Just tune in, turn off, drop out, drop in, switch off, switch on, and explode.

Mah little bit of gratitude goes out to band trips. After a peaceful weekend in Farmersville Henry and I were headed back in the car when I started to talk about band trips and suddenly I remembered how freaking FANTASTIC they were. Virginia Beach and Fiestaval will live on in my heart forever as will the creepy little crabs, the sting ray pod, and the walks down to Dairy Queen. And then Disney World! "Bus 3, No AC!" and the utter joy of Disney. Oh, good times. The best of times.

OK loyal readers, get out there and spread some love. It is a Sunday afterall.

-Marizzle

First time without training wheels

2010-08-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

In general I'd like to think I am a fairly strong person. In general I'd like to think that I am ok with being alone and being me and being alive. But there are times where sometimes it all just hits me. Kelly and Stephanie moved out on Sunday and the house was suddenly void of some special light they have. I can't describe how much each of them means to me and how they make me a better person just by being around. They lit up all the dark corners of that apartment. They both keep me in check, but listen to what I have to say, and respect me. And love me. We have gotten to the point where it is beyond friendship, instead we share some kind of nameless bond. All I know is I miss them a whole hell of a lot.

Then there is my actual family. I know I made the right choice in what school to come to but sometimes when I see kids who can go home for weekends or dinner it really hurts a lot. Just to know that that home base is there and you can go back any time you want, sometimes that's all I need. I don't call as much as I should but I think maybe in my twisted mind it's because it makes it easier. All or nothing. Hold on or let go. And so in many ways I let go because that's the way it has to be. Otherwise I'd be miserable much more often. I was too weird and too self-absorbed in high school to really form any kind of a relationship with my sister- this is one of my deepest regrets. Now I see her growing up and I want more than anything to be a part of her life. I want to be there for her in ways that I haven't before. Because we are sisters. And that's what we do.

I have met people I love here. But many of them are very busy, including Henry. I don't blame any of them- literally everyone's schedules here are frantic. That's the way it's supposed to be in college. I'm just so used to people being there when I need them and I think I have taken this very much for granted in the past. That support system, whether it be a bunch of friends lying curled up together on a bed and saying nothing, or a basketball game with Dad, or lying in my mom's bed and telling her about my day, that is the thing that is hardest to function without.

So I guess now I am taking the step into adulthood that requires being a little less needy. As the title says it's my first time without training wheels. I'm a little wobbly, but with time I'll get the hang of it. Not to say I'm abandoning everyone, but maybe it's just time to actually learn to hold my own, know my own name, and have the courage to go my own way.

Grateful for: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw-TUO7A-HQ

Insomia #1

2010-07-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

Practicing chromatics as 11pm. iPod on shuffle, Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis comes on. For some reason I cannot help what comes into my mind- just me on the oval, alone, with the stars.

“Mine was the vast dark sky and the spaces between the stars that called out to me; mine was the promise of magic.”

I needed to write, I needed to just close my eyes and let it all pour out of me. This is what came out:

"Sometimes my mind aches with the weight of it all, but at the same time there is an explosion- of joy and sorrow. Of the contradiction of emotions. And how pain and joy join hands and walk the path of life together. I feel tiny and larger than life at the same time. I am all powerful, but a conduit for God's will. I live for a moment, a moment when life combusts, the air is too thick for it not to ignite! I am an instrument, and in the forgetting of myself I am fulfilled.

The rustle of the trees, the depth of the twilight sky, the sound of the rain, the smell of the sea, the taste of absolute freedom...

This is music for me and this is why I could never do anything else."

That is what I am grateful for today.

The risk

2010-07-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?"

The question is- is it worth it? Is it worth taking the risk to get to know someone? People permeate other lives and bleed into your thoughts. Soon certain things remind you of them, certain phrases and books and music. Sometimes I like to think about all of our paths as a bunch of different lines. I mean, close your eyes and literally picture it. A blank white sheet with a red line. I can see all of the people who have really impacted my life. Some lines slice through my line, colliding with me for only an instant. Other times they run along side my line, skimming and skipping along the surface. The risk we all take at getting to know someone is the chance and almost the probability that life will take then somewhere else. And that quite frankly you will be sad to see them go, whether it be a physical leaving or an emotional one. Whether it be college or the end of a relationship, growing apart...it sucks. And I am not talking about romantic love necessarily, there are so many kinds of love in this world. So here's the question again- is the risk worth it?

I'd like to think so.

Gratitude for the day- Pillows. Andy from Weeds once said how the proper sleeping position needs 3 pillows: one for the head, one for between the legs, and one for cuddling. I couldn't agree more! These things are tiny little clouds of contentment.

MKH

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?

2010-07-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

OK. I am totally freaking out. Heres what went down:

We were doing our quarterly stand and chair sorting for stage crew. Department certified. We are paid by the School of Music.

Aaaaaalright. So the round-up at Weigel went off without a hitch. That's fantastic. And then we moved onto Hughes. What is the one major difference between Hughes and Weigel?

THE JANITORS.

Henry had a freak encounter with one earlier in the summer in which involved an improper slash non-existent block of a bathroom. The janitor WATCHED HIM FINISH PEEING. What the hell????

Our job is to go through Hughes and collect all stands, chairs, and tables and put them in their respective places- stands go to 109, tables to Weigel, chairs to their respective buildings. While we gather the goods we propped the door of the elevator open with a chair. Sweeping a floor takes no more than 3 minutes.

The story picks up when we are on the third floor all the way down the hall from the elevator. From this point on I will continue like a novel.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" the enraged janitor shouted, snatching the chair from the elevator door and whipping it down the hallway.

The 4 of us stood frozen with wide eyes and stands in our hands.

"YOU CAN'T PROP THE ELEVATOR OPEN! I'VE ALREADY TALKED TO THEM ABOUT YOU DOING THIS! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!"

My mind was completely frozen but soon I felt the all to familiar rush of anger, a rush I last got when arguing with my parents in high school. I opened my mouth to speak, but suddenly Nathaniel rushed forward. I closed my mouth, satisfied with the man chosen to represent our side of the argument.

What followed next was an onslaught of insults, literally a verbal battle. The janitor would foolishly throw out the best insults he could come up with only to be countered by Nathaniel's remarks.

" I don't care about any of you kids." A spoken stab aimed directly at the heart.

"Well we don't care about you!" A parry! Haha!

Soon the fighting was reaching an awkward kind of stagnant- the remaining three of us sought shelter in an occupied practice room...

This did not improve the awkwardness of the situation. Sorry Norman.

After vacating the practice room we headed to the fourth floor stairwell. To eavesdrop of course.

It seemed like by this time they were beginning to exhaust themselves. The janitor had been backed into a corner- all he had left was wild accusations and a threat to call the cops. Over a held elevator. That, dear sir, is a SEVERE overreaction.

Soon they parted ways, Nathaniel peeved but not even red in the face.

I believe this entire ordeal was made both more uncomfortable for the janitor because of an encounter we had not 5 minutes before. *fade into flashback* I had entered a completely dark staff lounge to gather stands only to be confronted with an aggressive, "Can I help you?!?". By this same janitor. Sitting alone. On the couch. In the dark. On his shift. With his glasses off. And I was the one intruding right? I was the one in the wrong. Paha, right. *end flashback*

Essentially this is the end of the story.

I don't want this guy to get fired. And honestly I can even identify with his frustration...mostly because the janitors have a tendency to hold the elevators in the morning. But for me it was the giant lack of respect that he showed. I have always tried to be kind or at least tolerant and polite to them. I mean, they're janitors in Hughes Hall- chances are they don't live a charmed life. And there's also the fact that every human being deserves to be treated with some kind of decency. But he has never been anything but rude to me. He's flat out yelled at me for not putting a chair back before. How frustrating is this?!? I am scared to go practice because they either up-down me in a creepy rapist manner or dish out a heaping helping of disrespect. There are times that I've avoided practicing because of them. I understand it's their job to keep Hughes looking oh-so-sleek but it is MY building. I pay tuition to go there. And I cannot go anywhere else to practice. So they need to start returning the freaking favor at either ignore me completely of speak civilly to me.

Alright- my grateful thingy of the day is MUSIC NERDINESS. I never realized how much I missed it until I was working last night and Liz Thompson said something along the lines of how her whistling range and horn range are the same. And I miss that. I miss band. And the general sharing of music and musical awesomeness.

MKH

Restless in C-Bus

2010-07-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

Some days I just have a need to go somewhere, just for the sake of getting away for a bit. Kelly and I both call it dark swirly, it's something that just happens randomly but inescapably. It very well may be hormones, part of the womanly crazy. Just so guys know- we know we are being irrational but we simply cannot help it. It's just the way it is and I apologize for that.

I need to take a walk for a very long time. I need to get out of this cramped little apartment and this overheated room. The air is too thick for me. And it's not anyones fault.

Alright, walk to the oval to shake this shit off. Work week starts tomorrow! Hellooooo money.

MKH

OH- my thing I am grateful for today- riding in a car during sunset with all the windows down as well as my hair. Also- epic music and good people are a necessity. That is an amazing kind of content.

Limbo

2010-07-25T08:07:00.000-07:00

I've been through 2 years of college now and I'm kind of done with it. I don't really like to party in the stereotypical collegiate way- I'd much rather go to a nice bar or restaurant with a bunch of friends and just not move for a few hours. Laugh a little too loud. But of course I can't really do this because according to the law I am underage. Because of course I am far too irresponsible to drink appropriately. Mhmm. I am tired of dorm rooms with bad wireless and even though I love living with people the ability to just have my own room would be nice.

I've always been told that practicing gets much more difficult when you get a forty hour a week job. However, based on the fact that I've been working forty to fifty hours a week this summer and thus far have run and practiced more than I ever have during the school year says differently. Thats the funny thing- during the school year I work thirty hours a week and I haven't taken below twenty credit hours since my second quarter. Any hope of working out is instantly gone and honestly when you have class at 8:30 straight through till 3:18 and then a 4 hour shift from 4 till 8 practicing gets tough, let alone taking care of myself in terms of sleep, hobbies, and eating well. I feel like college should be a time to explore yourself, a time when you discover what you want and who you are. I wish that it was a time where you can take a moment and just reflect, maybe get a moment to catch your breath. On the contrary, I think the schedule that is demanded by most college students makes you lose yourself. It's all you can do to just keep up with the motions of every day life. Reason dies, the time for deeper thought is wasted away. In such a crucial point in our lives we have no time to dedicate to us. College is limbo, I feel like I'm stuck between who I was in high school and who I will become in "real life".

I want to be able to read books that I want to read and that feed my soul. I want to be able to actually practice my instrument as thoroughly as I want to. Or what if just for an afternoon I want to sit on a hammock and think about what the clouds look like? I would like to get to know myself and in turn grow close to others. Human interaction is so give and take, it's hard to touch another person and in turn be touched if you don't know what you have to give. This is my frustration-please understand I know I am fortunate. This is the time to be a sponge and absorb everything around me. The only problem is half the time I feel like I'm regurgitating all of this information I've been fed with no thought put into it at all. Perhaps the fault is my own. I do not know. All I know is this year I am going to try like the dickens to keep balance in my life.

On a lighter note- great weekend full of bike riding and great food. Last night for dinner we had Johnsonville Brats, Baked potatoes- hand made of course, fresh string beans, and grilled corn on the cob seasoned with hickory smoked sea salt. It was absolutely delicious. Alright, off to practice some scales!

Maybe this is all I need hahaha:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjZCMNFxCkw

A Big Announcement

2010-07-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman-

It is my pleasure to announce the newly dubbed:

Victoria!

That's all I've got for right now- I feel like the naming of my horn is a big step. It's especially poignent because Henry's euphonium is named Albert. Like Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. We did this without collaboration. Ballin'!

OK- I promise there will actually be deeper posts in the future, but it's Friday! Get out there and seize the day!

Happy weekend- MKH

A Kind of Ramble

2010-07-21T06:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I did it. I jumped on the blogging bandwagon. I have no reason such as keeping in touch with people as I study abroad or trying to share delicious recipes with the world.

Nope. This is purely selfish.

I just realized this thing has a little built-in hash tag box. Fantastic!

So here I am sitting cross-legged on the couch and waiting to buy Jason Mraz tickets. That's right, he's coming to Columbus. Secretly I harbor a fantasy that this time, the third time I see him, I will somehow be able to sneak back-stage and attach myself to his leg. Henry, don't worry- as Stephanie would say, "It's not sexual, it's just an urge." And dats troof. I dig his groove. But ANYWAYS-

Today I really appreciate my iPod. I mean....it's all the music you could want, all the music you own IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND. Young Victoria soundtrack? Bam. Hollywood Goes to War, Disc 1 AND 2? Pow. Maybe a little Mahler? Kaboom. It's all there. And ready to be mashed to fit whatever mood you are in. THAT is magic.

Right now? London Calling by The Clash

Alright, I'm off- these walls aren't going to paint themselves.

This is MKH signing off.