Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Sorry it's been so long since the last post- my computer is fried so getting access to a computer when I actually feel like writing is pretty hard. But nevertheless, here I am on this beautiful sunny day, sitting in the MIDI Lab and writing. I have experienced a lot of change in the past two years or so, and I'm learning that it takes a positive attitude every day to really make the life I want to see. But I think that I'm finally starting to stabilize. I've recently been entranced by this movie, "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close". I read the book too and suggest it for everyone, but for some reason the movie is really hitting home for me. I first saw it right after my grandma died. That night, I went with Stephanie to the lake and just screamed. I was angry at life, at how lost I was, at the fact that Grandma Joan was gone. But that was the start of something for me. I finally started getting my emotions out of me instead of holding them in and letting them poison me. I saw the movie two other times, but last week I saw it for a fourth time with Jena. The movie had suddenly taken on a completely different meaning for me. I no longer saw just the hurt, anger, and confusion that Oskar felt. I didn't just feel like I identified with the lost little boy who was trying to make sense of things. Instead, I saw the love. Life happens. Shit happens. Everyone in this world has baggage of some kind, has lost something or someone. Everyone has experienced hardship. If that is all we focus on, we lose perspective on why we are really here- love. Through hardships, through being lost, we can choose to love. Sometimes this means holding someone close, other times it can mean letting them go and explore on their own. I don't know if this is profound at all, but it was for me. Instead of calculating all the time, what I should keep to myself, rationing my time between other people and myself what if I just chose to love? It's funny how things have started to fall into place since that happened. It's still an every day choice, but the choice is always love of some kind. For me this is difficult because I fear emotional intimacy. I go through motions well, I can hang out all you want, but when it comes to telling you and showing you how important you are in my life I chicken out. The fear of rejection or abandonment gets to be too much and keeps all the love inside of me. All this time, I thought this hardness in my chest was a bad feeling that was supposed to go away. Now I think that it is the build-up of all of the love I've felt but kept to myself because I was afraid. And the pressure I feel is it finally coming to a head, like some kind of love zit. POP THAT ZIT. Sorry if that was grotesque, but I think it's funny. On a completely different note, I think I've decided I don't like the word "feminist". If the whole point of feminists is to advocate for equality, why does the term itself make it hyocritical? What about equalist? That's what I am I think. Equality. It's a good thang. Pop lock and drop it y'all, Mariah