Alllllllright, I am sorry that this is another angry post. But I am upset.

I spent too much money today on a bunch of self-help books to help recovery from sexual abuse. I won't say who or when the abuse occurred, but I am tired of being quiet about it. Because it's not OK. And I am not OK.
Women in today's society have been taught that you have to work hard to get where you want to go. I am smart, I receive good grades, I can do anything that a man can do. It's true. But I think on this quest to obtain equality something much worse has happened- we have lost the fact that we are strong and powerful BECAUSE we are women, not IN SPITE OF being a woman. Being a female in todays culture is so freaking difficult.
You have to be virtuous and pure.
But you also have to be a freak in the bed.
We have been born with the gift to give birth, but we are constantly battling to have this seen as OUR right and something that is a gift. That is divine and important. WE are the ones that get the final say on how our bodies are used, not the state. I just read an article that said that the Georgia State legislation debated a bill this past week that wanted women to keep their stillborn children inside of them until we go into birth naturally. Like a pig or cow.

Let me restate- the people who introduced this bill think that women should have to keep their dead child inside of them, possibly putting them in physical harm, because it's what swine and bovines do.

DID I MISS SOMETHING???
I am by no means saying that I approve of women going around, getting pregnant from rampant and careless sex, and then getting multiple abortions. But if we have to decide who gets the choice of whether or not the child should be born, #1- there should always be a choice available and #2- it should be left up to the woman. Period. It's her freaking body.

Now this brings us organically to another point- female sexuality and the U.S.A.'s approach to sexuality in general. Iceland has one of the lowest teenage pregnancy rates in the world, as well as one of the lowest consumptions of pornography. You know why? Because teens are supplied with information, contraceptives, and are basically encouraged to be open about their sexuality. Teens are encouraged to explore this facet of their being human and find what works for them, what is erotic for them. They have realistic expectations of sex and are not fed the disgusting, fake, and degrading versions that pornography presents. I'd also like to think that it's kind of like alcohol consumption in other countries in Europe- the more you learn and can appreciate something the more you learn to use it respectfully and responsibly. Cause here's the thing- EVERYONE HAS URGES. Well, most people. If you're asexual, that's fine. But for the rest of us, we are taught that it's almost something to be ashamed of, especially for girls. Masturbation for girls is almost completely unaddressed. For boys we talk about wet dreams, ejaculation, orgasm. For girls we talk about pregnancy. Again, we are not cows and pigs. We have needs, we have a sex drive. And at least for me, I felt like I shouldn't for a very long time. I've been ashamed of my sexuality. And you know where it got me? In Barnes and Noble, buying self-help books because something freaking awful happened to me.

I'm not saying this is everyone's experience but I am tired of feeling like I am somehow not free to be who I am. And if you have comments against these thoughts, please just keep them to yourself. But really, I am getting scared at the polarization that is happening in our country in ever aspect. But where are the women? Haven't men been speaking for us long enough? How many of our toes much be stepped on before we wake up and say, "Wait a freaking second."

I am having an angry day so bear with me.

Not everything is sex.

Intimacy is not sex. Sex is not intimacy. In an ideal world, sex and intimacy would be connected, but the only source of intimacy in your life is not sex.
The Maori have this practice called hongi. It's a greeting where the nose and forehead of the two people meet and they breathe the same air together. They share the same life force. It isn't a kiss. It isn't a let's sleep together. It's a connection as human beings.
I am so frustrated in the polarization and sexualization of our society. Maybe it has just been my experiences that have caused me to feel confined, and maybe I am the one limiting myself. But if I trust you, whether you are a boy or a girl, it doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. It means I want to connect with you as a human. It means that you mean something to me but it doesn't necessarily mean that I want to date you. In some cases it doesn't mean that I don't. But it shouldn't be a default.

Maybe it's because I wasn't that close with my family for a long time that I felt this way. Maybe it's because I didn't trust people and never got that close to them because of it that I am just figuring this out. All my life I thought one day I would meet a man, he would see all my flaws and all of my beauty and we'd fall madly in love and never be parted again. But it's not like that! I am meant to connect with other people too! I can get to know people and share in their humanness and we can connect but I don't have to fucking sleep with them. God damn. Ugh.

This post may very well be for myself, so I can finally get that. Anyways, I'm gonna go.
Later,
Mariah

I Like Today

Today I wore a skirt because I felt like it.
Today the sun was out and it felt fan-freaking-tastic.
Today was the kind of day where I stared up into the blue skies and high-fived trees and I passed by.
Today I spent time with three dear friends
Today I went out of my comfort zone to connect with other people.
Today I got shit done and finished a paper on Project Access. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Asheville, NC. Project Access.
Today I had 2 cups of coffee
Today I woke up to the smell of fresh air and hyacinths. I love hyacinths.
Today I confronted some of my own fears about myself.

Today I was the best me I could be. That is a damn good feeling.