Twice in one day- DAYUMMMMMMM

Go see Brave. You know, the Disney Pixar movie. Also, just a thought- How do we let others know it is OK to be vulnerable and that we accept them for who they are without leaving ourselves too exposed? How do we not give away too much of our own power and cross our own boundaries? Just a thought. GOODNIGHT! Sweet dreams :-) Mariah

The Times, They are A-Changing.

Life changes. This is a fact. I used to pride myself on being able to change with it, to adapt to every situation I could possibly find myself in. I used to think that if I changed myself enough and I became smarter, dumber, prettier, more independant, more clingy, etc, then I wouldn't have to leave people and they wouldn't leave me. But alas, this is not how the world works. Change happens, whether we want it to or not. The power comes from choosing to be our best and truest selves through every situation. We must actively chose to live the lives we want to live. (a little redundant there). I have lost 2 grandparents and a dog this year to death. Now my best friend is headed to Africa for two years. Even dynamics in relationships change with time. Every time I feel like I catch my breath something else happens. But for the first time I can finally hear that voice saying,"What about me?" Times will always change, and there will always be things that are out of our control. The world is alive, ebbing and flowing, and it always will be. In the midst of the chaos I hear, "Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? Who do you want to love? How can you surround yourself with happiness right here and right now?" These are the questions leading me to my own happiness, peace, and calm. And I'm finding that my own path and truth is much more rewarding that trying to please everyone. Cause I have a right to be here dammit. Maybe this sounds very simple to everyone, but it's been a hard journey to really understand this concept. Alright, time for breakfast and the Brady Bunch. KISSES, Mariah PS: I am officially obsessed with Downton Abbey. Get into it.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Sorry it's been so long since the last post- my computer is fried so getting access to a computer when I actually feel like writing is pretty hard. But nevertheless, here I am on this beautiful sunny day, sitting in the MIDI Lab and writing. I have experienced a lot of change in the past two years or so, and I'm learning that it takes a positive attitude every day to really make the life I want to see. But I think that I'm finally starting to stabilize. I've recently been entranced by this movie, "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close". I read the book too and suggest it for everyone, but for some reason the movie is really hitting home for me. I first saw it right after my grandma died. That night, I went with Stephanie to the lake and just screamed. I was angry at life, at how lost I was, at the fact that Grandma Joan was gone. But that was the start of something for me. I finally started getting my emotions out of me instead of holding them in and letting them poison me. I saw the movie two other times, but last week I saw it for a fourth time with Jena. The movie had suddenly taken on a completely different meaning for me. I no longer saw just the hurt, anger, and confusion that Oskar felt. I didn't just feel like I identified with the lost little boy who was trying to make sense of things. Instead, I saw the love. Life happens. Shit happens. Everyone in this world has baggage of some kind, has lost something or someone. Everyone has experienced hardship. If that is all we focus on, we lose perspective on why we are really here- love. Through hardships, through being lost, we can choose to love. Sometimes this means holding someone close, other times it can mean letting them go and explore on their own. I don't know if this is profound at all, but it was for me. Instead of calculating all the time, what I should keep to myself, rationing my time between other people and myself what if I just chose to love? It's funny how things have started to fall into place since that happened. It's still an every day choice, but the choice is always love of some kind. For me this is difficult because I fear emotional intimacy. I go through motions well, I can hang out all you want, but when it comes to telling you and showing you how important you are in my life I chicken out. The fear of rejection or abandonment gets to be too much and keeps all the love inside of me. All this time, I thought this hardness in my chest was a bad feeling that was supposed to go away. Now I think that it is the build-up of all of the love I've felt but kept to myself because I was afraid. And the pressure I feel is it finally coming to a head, like some kind of love zit. POP THAT ZIT. Sorry if that was grotesque, but I think it's funny. On a completely different note, I think I've decided I don't like the word "feminist". If the whole point of feminists is to advocate for equality, why does the term itself make it hyocritical? What about equalist? That's what I am I think. Equality. It's a good thang. Pop lock and drop it y'all, Mariah

Alllllllright, I am sorry that this is another angry post. But I am upset.

I spent too much money today on a bunch of self-help books to help recovery from sexual abuse. I won't say who or when the abuse occurred, but I am tired of being quiet about it. Because it's not OK. And I am not OK.
Women in today's society have been taught that you have to work hard to get where you want to go. I am smart, I receive good grades, I can do anything that a man can do. It's true. But I think on this quest to obtain equality something much worse has happened- we have lost the fact that we are strong and powerful BECAUSE we are women, not IN SPITE OF being a woman. Being a female in todays culture is so freaking difficult.
You have to be virtuous and pure.
But you also have to be a freak in the bed.
We have been born with the gift to give birth, but we are constantly battling to have this seen as OUR right and something that is a gift. That is divine and important. WE are the ones that get the final say on how our bodies are used, not the state. I just read an article that said that the Georgia State legislation debated a bill this past week that wanted women to keep their stillborn children inside of them until we go into birth naturally. Like a pig or cow.

Let me restate- the people who introduced this bill think that women should have to keep their dead child inside of them, possibly putting them in physical harm, because it's what swine and bovines do.

DID I MISS SOMETHING???
I am by no means saying that I approve of women going around, getting pregnant from rampant and careless sex, and then getting multiple abortions. But if we have to decide who gets the choice of whether or not the child should be born, #1- there should always be a choice available and #2- it should be left up to the woman. Period. It's her freaking body.

Now this brings us organically to another point- female sexuality and the U.S.A.'s approach to sexuality in general. Iceland has one of the lowest teenage pregnancy rates in the world, as well as one of the lowest consumptions of pornography. You know why? Because teens are supplied with information, contraceptives, and are basically encouraged to be open about their sexuality. Teens are encouraged to explore this facet of their being human and find what works for them, what is erotic for them. They have realistic expectations of sex and are not fed the disgusting, fake, and degrading versions that pornography presents. I'd also like to think that it's kind of like alcohol consumption in other countries in Europe- the more you learn and can appreciate something the more you learn to use it respectfully and responsibly. Cause here's the thing- EVERYONE HAS URGES. Well, most people. If you're asexual, that's fine. But for the rest of us, we are taught that it's almost something to be ashamed of, especially for girls. Masturbation for girls is almost completely unaddressed. For boys we talk about wet dreams, ejaculation, orgasm. For girls we talk about pregnancy. Again, we are not cows and pigs. We have needs, we have a sex drive. And at least for me, I felt like I shouldn't for a very long time. I've been ashamed of my sexuality. And you know where it got me? In Barnes and Noble, buying self-help books because something freaking awful happened to me.

I'm not saying this is everyone's experience but I am tired of feeling like I am somehow not free to be who I am. And if you have comments against these thoughts, please just keep them to yourself. But really, I am getting scared at the polarization that is happening in our country in ever aspect. But where are the women? Haven't men been speaking for us long enough? How many of our toes much be stepped on before we wake up and say, "Wait a freaking second."

I am having an angry day so bear with me.

Not everything is sex.

Intimacy is not sex. Sex is not intimacy. In an ideal world, sex and intimacy would be connected, but the only source of intimacy in your life is not sex.
The Maori have this practice called hongi. It's a greeting where the nose and forehead of the two people meet and they breathe the same air together. They share the same life force. It isn't a kiss. It isn't a let's sleep together. It's a connection as human beings.
I am so frustrated in the polarization and sexualization of our society. Maybe it has just been my experiences that have caused me to feel confined, and maybe I am the one limiting myself. But if I trust you, whether you are a boy or a girl, it doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. It means I want to connect with you as a human. It means that you mean something to me but it doesn't necessarily mean that I want to date you. In some cases it doesn't mean that I don't. But it shouldn't be a default.

Maybe it's because I wasn't that close with my family for a long time that I felt this way. Maybe it's because I didn't trust people and never got that close to them because of it that I am just figuring this out. All my life I thought one day I would meet a man, he would see all my flaws and all of my beauty and we'd fall madly in love and never be parted again. But it's not like that! I am meant to connect with other people too! I can get to know people and share in their humanness and we can connect but I don't have to fucking sleep with them. God damn. Ugh.

This post may very well be for myself, so I can finally get that. Anyways, I'm gonna go.
Later,
Mariah

I Like Today

Today I wore a skirt because I felt like it.
Today the sun was out and it felt fan-freaking-tastic.
Today was the kind of day where I stared up into the blue skies and high-fived trees and I passed by.
Today I spent time with three dear friends
Today I went out of my comfort zone to connect with other people.
Today I got shit done and finished a paper on Project Access. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Asheville, NC. Project Access.
Today I had 2 cups of coffee
Today I woke up to the smell of fresh air and hyacinths. I love hyacinths.
Today I confronted some of my own fears about myself.

Today I was the best me I could be. That is a damn good feeling.