I'm looking for some real human connection man, none of this gossipy professional dancing on the border of what you should do and shouldn't I don't feel that at all no mo'. Gotta do something for me, need a time out from what's going on to do my thing and connect in a way that isn't superficial. That's what I need. Not angry, not sad, not tired, just lookin' for a little somethin' somethin' to legitamize my words-

Can ya dig it?

A Response to My Previous Post

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves

of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean,

at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without

wondering.”

-Saint Augustine

I understand that responding to yourself is weird, but here it is. What has happened has happened. All I can do is pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. I am strong enough to do this. I am strong enough to be present in what I do. I am strong enough to wonder and then pull myself back to the present, back to the reality which I shape. I create my own world. And the longer I waste energy and thought on things I've done that is energy wasted.

I still love my fish and Susan Powell is my new hero. I need a mantra.

MKH

This is my new little friend. Not the best picture of all time, but the little navy blue blob is her! Her name is Vera- it kind of popped into my head when I saw her and although this is crazy, I swear she responds to it! I said Vera and she came over from the other side of the tank for a photo op. Vera actually fits really well- both latin and slavic in origin and mean faith or truth. My little daily dose of faith and truth. Also makes studying a little less lonely. So naturally, that is what I'm grateful today. I reaaally hope she doesn't die. Really a lot.

OK, so basically I freaking hate this "growing up" thing. When you're born you start with a clean slate and everything's great. Your parents protect you and then when you get older you can blame them for how "difficult" your life is. There is always the ability to blame your circumstances. You know what? Right know just sucks. Because you can't blame anything or anybody except yourself. I've messed up a lot and it's all on me. And what's worse is that clean slate is completely gone. Everything that I've done follows me around everywhere and I find myself living in the past. Obsessing over what I've done and what I haven't. There are days where I wish that I could be weak and curl up into a little ball and just not move for a while. Like in 5th grade when I used to finish my work early and just sleep in the nurses office. And when I went back nothing had changed. Nobody was too far ahead of me. I was never playing catch-up or trying to stop living in the past. What if I did everything in my life differently? What if I slept around? Or what if I had buckled down and gone to Yale and then onto medical school? Would I have encountered all of the things I have on this path? Would my regrets be the same? Would the memories of some of the things I've done and the mistakes I've made still haunt me? Is this just an inevitable part of growing up?

I am where I am. I am who I am. Could I have been anyone other than me?

MKH

Art is a step from what is obvious and well-known toward what is arcane and concealed.
Khalil Gibran

Maybe this is why all musicians are a wee bit crazy. We are forced to look deeper and attempt to see what is behind the veil of everyday reality. We attempt to convey that which cannot be explained. We are forced to dig deeper than most. This is not saying that people who have other career and life paths don't do this, but I think in many ways musicians are FORCED to in order to be successful. And sometimes what lies behind the veil is scary and complex. Other times I think it's a lot more simple than we perceive. I don't know man. I do. not. know.

Trippin' Out,

MKH

Perpetual Motion

Guys, I am so sorry that it's been such a long time since I connected with ch'all. A new quarter has begun and it is looking to be one of the best yet. I finally have time to practice!!! My scholastic requirements are manageable and I got residency in Ohio which means I no longer have to work 25-3o hours a week. In conclusion, my life just got a whole lot more productive.

Today is Henry and my 2nd anniversary. It's been a rough year in some ways, but nevertheless I think we have both grown a lot both personally and in the relationship. I appreciate the fact that we can both recognize that we're new at this and young. Still our dedication to each other and too the relationship really proves a certain amount of maturity. I am looking forward to more time together, and finding a balance between taking care of ourselves and maintaining a relationship. Yippie Skippie!

OK, so here's this idea that I've been thinking about- the idea of perpetual motion. In my lesson last week Mr. Henniss introduced me to a new exercise. I was to inhale in a relaxed fashion, exhale completely naturally, and then inhale in the same fashion and play. The idea is to keep the airway relaxed and tension-free. As I did this, Henniss commented on my tendency to inhale, exhale, then stop for a moment, and when I inhaled again there was tension in my breath. Oftentimes I would lie next to Henry as we fell asleep and listened to him breathe. His breath is much more rapid than mine, but it is always in motion. When I exhale, even in my everyday living, I pause and tense before I inhale. I am not going to say anything incredibly profound here, but for me I think about the bigger picture. Perpetual motion. Life never stops and when we attempt to stop the motion we create tension and essentially just delay an inevitability- the next breath. When we try to hold onto something for too long as the world whizzes past us, we create tension in our lives. Similarly when we try to speed things up we end up hyperventilating. A balanced and natural breath and pace in everything we do leads to maximum efficiency, productivity, and in the end creativity. We must try to find a rhythm in our lives and then keep. breathing. Harder than it freaking sounds. So, yeah. That's basically it for now- find a rhythm that reflects the rhythm of life around you. If your life is lyrical, take a breath that reflects that. If it is time for a technical passage, again take a breath that reflects that.

Conducting started. I thought I was awful at first, but now I think I might be alright. No one ever has any criticisms for me except my facial expressions. I guess the fact that there's no criticism about my actual pattern is encouraging. Look out Solti....MKH is on your heels!