This is my new little friend. Not the best picture of all time, but the little navy blue blob is her! Her name is Vera- it kind of popped into my head when I saw her and although this is crazy, I swear she responds to it! I said Vera and she came over from the other side of the tank for a photo op. Vera actually fits really well- both latin and slavic in origin and mean faith or truth. My little daily dose of faith and truth. Also makes studying a little less lonely. So naturally, that is what I'm grateful today. I reaaally hope she doesn't die. Really a lot.

OK, so basically I freaking hate this "growing up" thing. When you're born you start with a clean slate and everything's great. Your parents protect you and then when you get older you can blame them for how "difficult" your life is. There is always the ability to blame your circumstances. You know what? Right know just sucks. Because you can't blame anything or anybody except yourself. I've messed up a lot and it's all on me. And what's worse is that clean slate is completely gone. Everything that I've done follows me around everywhere and I find myself living in the past. Obsessing over what I've done and what I haven't. There are days where I wish that I could be weak and curl up into a little ball and just not move for a while. Like in 5th grade when I used to finish my work early and just sleep in the nurses office. And when I went back nothing had changed. Nobody was too far ahead of me. I was never playing catch-up or trying to stop living in the past. What if I did everything in my life differently? What if I slept around? Or what if I had buckled down and gone to Yale and then onto medical school? Would I have encountered all of the things I have on this path? Would my regrets be the same? Would the memories of some of the things I've done and the mistakes I've made still haunt me? Is this just an inevitable part of growing up?

I am where I am. I am who I am. Could I have been anyone other than me?

MKH