Thursday, February 24, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
I Have a Sick Mind
All night I dreamt that Henry and I were ready to settle down, that we had both found good and secure jobs and it was time, and that he was asking me to try again. I hate my mind. It always does this, fabricates things that aren't true but the things I wish were true the most.
I don't think I'll meet another man whose love for the British Navy is equal to mine.
I always believed that when people said "The timing wasn't right" they just weren't trying hard enough. Now I get it. But I really really wish I didn't. Because reality SUCKS. It's inevitable, it hunts down the mind of the dreamer and slowly just disintegrates the foundation of their beliefs. I'm not sure what I'm left with now, other than a completely broken heart. I tried so freaking hard, and he did too, but you can't change busy schedules. You can't change that at the end of the day we were both to exhausted to appreciate each other. We were just holding on for dear life and hoping the storm stopped soon. But it didn't. And it won't because then there's grad school. Then we don't know where we will actually get jobs. And as much as we'd like to think that we can make it...I guess we just couldn't.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to talk.
I just want to be left alone.
I am completely broken.
I don't think I'll meet another man whose love for the British Navy is equal to mine.
I always believed that when people said "The timing wasn't right" they just weren't trying hard enough. Now I get it. But I really really wish I didn't. Because reality SUCKS. It's inevitable, it hunts down the mind of the dreamer and slowly just disintegrates the foundation of their beliefs. I'm not sure what I'm left with now, other than a completely broken heart. I tried so freaking hard, and he did too, but you can't change busy schedules. You can't change that at the end of the day we were both to exhausted to appreciate each other. We were just holding on for dear life and hoping the storm stopped soon. But it didn't. And it won't because then there's grad school. Then we don't know where we will actually get jobs. And as much as we'd like to think that we can make it...I guess we just couldn't.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to talk.
I just want to be left alone.
I am completely broken.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Why is he so awesome....
"When you see something beautiful or experience something rad it's good to have someone next to you to validate that you just saw that...what a beautiful day this is...and then that person also get to hold that memory with you forever."
-Mraz
-Mraz
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I'm the King of the Castle...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7in-9E3ImQ
This song will always remind me of riding in the car on the way to Ricketts Glen with my cousins. The dark trees whizzing past, but the sun of summer was upon us. I don't remember who was in the back seat with me, but I know my cousin Shawn and his girlfriend, now wife, Carol was up in the front. The windows were rolled down and the air whooshed past us and we wound our way through the mountains. My hair was still wet from swimming that morning. I don't know what it makes me feel other than nostalgic...maybe a little innocent? A time when I was just waiting for "real life" to start and I could dream all I wanted to without the restrictions that reality has put in place. I don't even know....this memory has a taste to it, it tastes like summer and promise and freedom and the love of my family. It tastes of something that is comfortable but still exciting. I think this is one of those rare moments where I really appreciated what was happening as it was happening.
It was a rough day, but now I am living in that memory. And I am smiling. Because spring is coming. The light and soft caress of a summer breeze is on its way. So I have hope.
Goodnight all,
MKH
This song will always remind me of riding in the car on the way to Ricketts Glen with my cousins. The dark trees whizzing past, but the sun of summer was upon us. I don't remember who was in the back seat with me, but I know my cousin Shawn and his girlfriend, now wife, Carol was up in the front. The windows were rolled down and the air whooshed past us and we wound our way through the mountains. My hair was still wet from swimming that morning. I don't know what it makes me feel other than nostalgic...maybe a little innocent? A time when I was just waiting for "real life" to start and I could dream all I wanted to without the restrictions that reality has put in place. I don't even know....this memory has a taste to it, it tastes like summer and promise and freedom and the love of my family. It tastes of something that is comfortable but still exciting. I think this is one of those rare moments where I really appreciated what was happening as it was happening.
It was a rough day, but now I am living in that memory. And I am smiling. Because spring is coming. The light and soft caress of a summer breeze is on its way. So I have hope.
Goodnight all,
MKH
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Only Way to Please Everybody is to Never Make a Decision
Although the title to this entry really isn't very relevant to what I'm about to write, I think it's very important for me to realize. I can't please everyone. I can't take everyone's advice. Instead I must trust what I know, what my experiences have been, and live my own life. I sometimes struggle to do what I believe is right because I have been advised against it. In the process of trying to please everyone I am not pleasing myself. <---I just that's what she said-ed myself in my mind. Regardless, it's true. I need to stop being so afraid of everything- missing an opportunity or making the same mistakes as people around me. I don't need to justify my choices to people. I choose to trust in where my heart and work is taking me. This leaves me vulnerable in many ways if I fail, but I will be damned if I won't try. One of Kelly's friend's from Syracuse has a tattoo on her biceps that just says "Fail Brilliantly". I mean...that's it.
I played in studio today, and it didn't go well. I put a lot of time into the piece....but it just was crap. Everyone says it was the best time that I've ever played in studio and that I sound like a different player. I appreciate their comments and I'm sure they're true, but in the end I am frustrated. For those of you who have seen The King's Speech, I feel exactly like that. The reason I believe I am meant to perform is because I have that voice inside of me, that desire to show that piece to the world. To connect in a way that is pure. And when my performance abilities cannot convey it, I just get...backed up. All of that emotion has started, that image is within my mind but it won't come out of my bell. For the life of me it won't bloody come out. I have a musical stutter.
After the performance I was visibly upset. Yeah...I cried in front of my entire studio. Not like wept or anything, but the silent Indian tears. Henniss came up to me and asked me to come into his office. He looked at me and said, "Mariah, I don't mean to say you shouldn't be crying because that would invalidate you. But I really don't understand why your crying." He told me, again, that I had played the best I ever have. Henniss is great about maintaining a positive feeling in lessons and encounters, but you can tell if he is being polite versus saying an actual compliment. This was sincere. And it meant a whole hell of a lot to me. In the end we started to discuss how it's hard to communicate an emotion through a piece without getting too emotional. It's hard, and it's something that only comes with experience. Then I get home and I read this on Mraz's blog:
Gratitude is the practice that will take you to the next level. If you can recall a time in your life when you were stuck, think about what got you unstuck - that moment when you realized why a certain thing had to happen. In that moment you were grateful that it was over – AND in that moment you’re suddenly grateful that you went through it – AND from that moment on, you view yourself a much stronger person because of the experience. Only in gratitude do you advance to the next level.
So today this is what I'm grateful for. I am grateful for the struggles that I have been through, and even the humiliating moments because I choose to believe I am stronger for them. I choose to believe that I am learning from everything that I do and that the next step will be easier. I am grateful for the people in my life who keep things in perspective.
Onwards and Upwards,
Mariah
I played in studio today, and it didn't go well. I put a lot of time into the piece....but it just was crap. Everyone says it was the best time that I've ever played in studio and that I sound like a different player. I appreciate their comments and I'm sure they're true, but in the end I am frustrated. For those of you who have seen The King's Speech, I feel exactly like that. The reason I believe I am meant to perform is because I have that voice inside of me, that desire to show that piece to the world. To connect in a way that is pure. And when my performance abilities cannot convey it, I just get...backed up. All of that emotion has started, that image is within my mind but it won't come out of my bell. For the life of me it won't bloody come out. I have a musical stutter.
After the performance I was visibly upset. Yeah...I cried in front of my entire studio. Not like wept or anything, but the silent Indian tears. Henniss came up to me and asked me to come into his office. He looked at me and said, "Mariah, I don't mean to say you shouldn't be crying because that would invalidate you. But I really don't understand why your crying." He told me, again, that I had played the best I ever have. Henniss is great about maintaining a positive feeling in lessons and encounters, but you can tell if he is being polite versus saying an actual compliment. This was sincere. And it meant a whole hell of a lot to me. In the end we started to discuss how it's hard to communicate an emotion through a piece without getting too emotional. It's hard, and it's something that only comes with experience. Then I get home and I read this on Mraz's blog:
Gratitude is the practice that will take you to the next level. If you can recall a time in your life when you were stuck, think about what got you unstuck - that moment when you realized why a certain thing had to happen. In that moment you were grateful that it was over – AND in that moment you’re suddenly grateful that you went through it – AND from that moment on, you view yourself a much stronger person because of the experience. Only in gratitude do you advance to the next level.
So today this is what I'm grateful for. I am grateful for the struggles that I have been through, and even the humiliating moments because I choose to believe I am stronger for them. I choose to believe that I am learning from everything that I do and that the next step will be easier. I am grateful for the people in my life who keep things in perspective.
Onwards and Upwards,
Mariah
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