Although the title to this entry really isn't very relevant to what I'm about to write, I think it's very important for me to realize. I can't please everyone. I can't take everyone's advice. Instead I must trust what I know, what my experiences have been, and live my own life. I sometimes struggle to do what I believe is right because I have been advised against it. In the process of trying to please everyone I am not pleasing myself. <---I just that's what she said-ed myself in my mind. Regardless, it's true. I need to stop being so afraid of everything- missing an opportunity or making the same mistakes as people around me. I don't need to justify my choices to people. I choose to trust in where my heart and work is taking me. This leaves me vulnerable in many ways if I fail, but I will be damned if I won't try. One of Kelly's friend's from Syracuse has a tattoo on her biceps that just says "Fail Brilliantly". I mean...that's it.
I played in studio today, and it didn't go well. I put a lot of time into the piece....but it just was crap. Everyone says it was the best time that I've ever played in studio and that I sound like a different player. I appreciate their comments and I'm sure they're true, but in the end I am frustrated. For those of you who have seen The King's Speech, I feel exactly like that. The reason I believe I am meant to perform is because I have that voice inside of me, that desire to show that piece to the world. To connect in a way that is pure. And when my performance abilities cannot convey it, I just get...backed up. All of that emotion has started, that image is within my mind but it won't come out of my bell. For the life of me it won't bloody come out. I have a musical stutter.
After the performance I was visibly upset. Yeah...I cried in front of my entire studio. Not like wept or anything, but the silent Indian tears. Henniss came up to me and asked me to come into his office. He looked at me and said, "Mariah, I don't mean to say you shouldn't be crying because that would invalidate you. But I really don't understand why your crying." He told me, again, that I had played the best I ever have. Henniss is great about maintaining a positive feeling in lessons and encounters, but you can tell if he is being polite versus saying an actual compliment. This was sincere. And it meant a whole hell of a lot to me. In the end we started to discuss how it's hard to communicate an emotion through a piece without getting too emotional. It's hard, and it's something that only comes with experience. Then I get home and I read this on Mraz's blog:
Gratitude is the practice that will take you to the next level. If you can recall a time in your life when you were stuck, think about what got you unstuck - that moment when you realized why a certain thing had to happen. In that moment you were grateful that it was over – AND in that moment you’re suddenly grateful that you went through it – AND from that moment on, you view yourself a much stronger person because of the experience. Only in gratitude do you advance to the next level.
So today this is what I'm grateful for. I am grateful for the struggles that I have been through, and even the humiliating moments because I choose to believe I am stronger for them. I choose to believe that I am learning from everything that I do and that the next step will be easier. I am grateful for the people in my life who keep things in perspective.
Onwards and Upwards,
Mariah
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