Goodbye for now

To all of those who even glance at this thing anymore- I'm laying off for a while. Maybe permanently. We'll see. I just have nothing left to write.
Much love,
Mariah

The Journey
By Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

He came so we could forgive ourselves.

I strive to live my life in a way that shows Him gratitude.

Cosmo ruined my life.

So I recently purchased an issue of Cosmo because I thought, hey, why not? I used to read them all the time and even remember Nneka reading one in the high school cafeteria and giggling like...well like a school girl. But as I was reading through this I am becoming progressively more disgusted. Everything talks about "We polled guys and they think this thing is the most attractive." or "you should wear metallic nail polish out because it's hot and guys think it's so in right now."
That's ridiculous. And to think I used to plan my life around what they said I should do! How sad!
Moral of the story: Be yourself and everything will fall into place after that.

I am grateful for liking someone and not having any expectations come from it. It's really...nice.

Mariah


God Says Yes To Me
by Kaylin Haught
I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

Late Bloomer

It's funny, I always thought of myself as mature and ahead of the group. Lately it's been pushed in my face that I may very well know not much about life. I have great ideas, but no actual experience to back them up with. Dr. Allen said he thinks I'm going to be a late bloomer. Holy shit- a late bloomer. I've never been called that, I've been ahead of the game. I've always been the smartest, the fastest, the wisest, the most mature. But now through many events in my life I think I'm being shown that I am indeed just beginning to bloom. I need to learn to be OK with that. I need to learn to be OK with the process that is life, with how it moves and grows and how I grow with it. There is no magic text that gives you the secret to life. I can't look up what I'm dealing with in the library and find an article citing what I am learning and what I should do next. Not to be cheesey, but I think that text and that gauge is internal and not external. And internally I have no idea who I am or what I'm about. I have hints. But I need to stop being so scared and plunge into the thick of life.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined!"

My words are part of my medicine.

MKH

Mraz.
How do you know my life? I seriously am getting creeped out. Or if you are following me, can I at least get an autograph and maybe a picture?
K, thanks.
Mariah

I Can't Run but I Can Walk Much Faster Than This

There is a place of silence in me that I am rediscovering and it feels to freaking good. It's hard for me to write about it because it's mine and I'm scared of losing it again. Now, I know this somewhat defeats the purpose of the strength that the center of us is supposed to have, all of that always be yourself kind of a thing, but hey I'm rediscovering here.
The point is- colors are getting brighter, the world is expanding, the light is coming back in. I feel more in control of my life- not that I can control what happens to me but realizing that the true strength is how you react when things do happen. Or maybe for once deciding to be PRO-active instead of RE-active. I think that's a big one for me. There are so many cool people out there! How cool is that! And that I no longer depend on them to define me! So long I went through things thinking, "That's not the real me." Well, that's not altogether true. It was me all along. And I own that- the good, the bad, and the ugly. It may not have been an action that put me on the path of who I wanted to become, but it was me. Ownage. And with this realization the pride compliments the guilt and the stability balances the confusion.
I apologize if this blog has taken an unexpected turn in recent months- I've been riding the struggle bus for a while. Striving to yo-yo back to some kind of center. So, bear with me if you will. Is it bare? Bear. Right??

Enjoy the day.

I have a million things to do.
Instead I went for a bike ride.
I am realizing my words are more powerful than I think.
That I can choose who I share them with
And sometimes that they don't have to be shared with anyone at all.
I think that some things will never change
And as life goes on I will have so many different ties and emotions that cannot be ended, only changed.
I think that the closure I once thought existed is not the closure I will find.
I think that sometimes all these open ends of my life make me feel like I'm floating.
Like I just pushed away from the dock and the ripples are still getting settled below me
Expanding, losing power, getting further away,
But they don't go away.
It's one of the laws of physics-
matter is neither created nor destroyed.
It can be converted to energy.
Equal and opposite reaction
Blah blah blah
Prep ictus rebound
on and on and on

Sometimes it gets hard to think of a day where things will be "normal". That there won't be that one image that instantly just makes me hurt. But I've already pushed away from the dock and no matter what I do I can't turn back. I've already embarked.

But hey, at least it's sunny.

Comforting realization of the day:
I'm not nearly as alone as I think I am.




I miss this though:

"...sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living." - Jonathan Safran Foer