Anger

I should be working on this giant project that is due tomorrow but instead I am dark swirly. Instead the most appealing concept to me irght now is filling up my gas tank and just running, running away from everyone and everything. Everything just gets so overwhelming sometimes and I can't focus.

I went to this place called the New Salem Baptist Church on Sunday and the sermon was on anger and how our society doesn't teach us how to utilize our anger properly. We are taught that it's a sin and that getting angry is wrong. We swallow is up and hold it inside of us and wait for it to explode. It always does, and when it does it's rarely at what you're actually upset about.

I am angry at this 66o project. I am angry at the people around me. I am angry at myself, that I don't know what direction to go.

I am angry that being angry as a woman is seen as unfeminine. I am angry at so many personal relationships. I am angry at myself for all of the times that I let my fear conquer me. I am angry that I don't know what's wrong with me and one second I'm having a conversation and the next second something has been triggered in me and all of this poisonous rage is there. It's always there bubbling just under the surface.

I don't know what to do about it- I'm pretty sure I'm giving myself an ulcer. The guy at New Salem said that a main cause of depression is that anger held in and turned inwards. Am I finally unleashing what has been an an entire lifetime of anger?? I don't think I ever learned how to deal with my anger. I always held it in because it got me what I wanted. I got to keep the friend, go to hang with my friends, be in a relationship. I think my fear of being alone always kept my anger at bay- my fear overrode my desire to protect myself. Instead I silenced myself, I swallowed it all up, bite by bite.

I don't know how I'm going to unwind. I just wish at the very core of my being that someone knew what was happening to me so I know that I'm not alone. I just wish someone understood for a split second. Cause, quite frankly, I am kind of scared.


Alright, back to work- real life calls.