Number 9....number 9....number 9......

Repetition. It seems to be a constant in my life. There's this weird kind of synchronicity that the universe is humming at that seems to be throwing the same old things my way.
A song on a radio.
A memory.
A smell.

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there."
What. does. that. mean??

I conducted in 66o the other day. The notes that Doc scribbled on the back of the page were,

"Let go.
Make mistakes.
Quit trying to be right."


Why can't I do this?? Why, when so many of the people around me are willing to take risks and I am stuck in myself wondering when I get to join in?
Why can't I get over my fear of failure to create my life to be what I want it to be?

I went for a drive the other night, an hour and a half meander through parts of Columbus I've never seen before. I don't know what made me do it, I felt like I was desperately trying to escape something. It was total dark swirly, with the abyss of the night swallowing me, me sinking into its depths. The trees seemed to claw at me, sucking me into their world, the spaces between the stars.

I have a deeply rooted faith that we all end up alone in the end. Being alone is pretty bad, but I recently had a revelation that my biggest fear is not ending up alone, but to have loved and lost. The quote "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." is constantly thrown my way. I can't believe it. I won't believe it. And I don't know why that is- maybe I'm afraid that if I let go of this bitterness that is my shield that I will break. This is something that I've carried my whole life, and try as I might I can't just change my perspective. But sure enough, I keep getting myself into positions where I must face this. I don't even know how to start, and it scares me to think that I might be in this unbalanced limbo position for the rest of my life.

Holly posted a quote that I like a lot, "When one loves, one does not calculate." I want to be love. I want it to overflow to those around me in abundance. I want to be happy. That is my life goal. But I can't let go of my calculations to let that happen.

I can't:
Let go, make mistakes, stop trying to be right.

Here's to better days my friends.
MKH