Old School

Ok, I realize that I've been a bit haphazard in my writings here for quite a long time so I will attempt to do the unthinkable- write a semi-coherent train of thought. It happens to be something that I'm actually pretty bad at. But here goes. I'm writing because I am a bit scared. I think for most of my life I have felt powerless to change the things that go on around me, even when they involve me. I have always taken it as "that's the way it is" and I want to be happy. I want a job that I love, friends and family to share it with, and a man who loves me for who I am and just wants to enjoy life together. I want to go on adventures but nothing too drastic. What scares me about wanting this is knowing that bad things happen. People die or get sick or go away. Jobs disappear, especially in the field that I have chosen. Jena called me out a long time ago when she said I m scared of my own happiness. It's not that I'm scared of being happy, I'm just scared of how it will end. So I've spent a large portion of my life running away from things that make me happy because I'm afraid they will go away. Honestly, I think that was the main aspect that made me decide to go to OSU- if I was far away enough from my friends and family it would be easier to miss them because I will have disconnected myself from them so much. Going home isn't an option when you're so far away, and I think there's also a part of me that enjoyed the fact that I was leaving them. That made me in control, and I liked being in control even more than I liked my own happiness. But now, I miss it. I miss my family a lot and all the time. They are some of my favorite people and I chosen to move far away from them in order to remain in control of my own missing of them. I chose a relationship with someone who was not necessarily what I needed but someone who was consistent. Unfortunately his consistency was making me a bit unhappy, but in the beginning I had opened myself up to him and felt loved. I loved the idea of him and the idea of a relationship, but it was a fantasy that was not reflected in reality. The relationship was dysfunctional and ended up making both of us unhappy I think. As messed up as things got, I know that I cannot blame him for everything that happened because I still had not learned the strength of my own voice and the commitment that I have to myself and my own happiness. I could not articulate what made me so unhappy so there was no hope of fixing it, even if we could. And if we couldn't then the relationship would have been over much sooner and much less damage would have been done. Instead, I ran. I ran away from myself, knowledge of what I really needed, and who I truly am. I also closed myself off from so many beautiful friendships with my own judgments and assumptions. I know that I did what I did to protect my soft inner self from something I was not ready for, but as I get ready to leave college I am forced to think of what I will remember. I have been given so many wonderful opportunities here to be loved and give love, but I have not taken many of them. I have learned so much about myself and have finally come out the other side as someone who is stronger in who they are and what they want to give. I thank the part of me that kept me protected for so long because I think I could have suffered a lot more damage than I have. Once that hard outer shell is peeled away I still have a lot of life and love left for this world and for this college thing. I'm thankful that I have come so far. I am thankful that I have finally realized that I have a boyfriend who loves me for exactly who I am and friends and family that feel the same way (what a blessing!) But I am still scared of a fall from grace or happiness. I will try my best to live out of my true center and not just out of this protective place that avoids pain at any cost. There is always a chance for pain and always a chance for failure, but that's life for everyone. You just have to strive to be as happy as you can at any given moment and trust the rest to God or juju or the flying turtle in the sky. Anyways, I don't know if that came off as comprehensive as I would have liked but I think it's the first time I've written like a used to in a while. Life is definitely one crazy-ass ride. For those of you who haven't yet, listen to more Tristan Prettyman, namely her new album Cedar+Gold. She is fantastic. Also, to all you bah-humbug Scrooges out there- it's finally after Thanksgiving! All Christmas stuff is fair game! I will infect you with my merrimenttttttt. SKO BUCKS, Mariah