I'm having a moment where I'm realizing just how much I've accepted the limitations that others have put on me. I'm not blaming myself, and I'm not angry at anyone because that would defeat the purpose of the revelation. I'm not going to beat myself up over this. I AM going to vow to change these expectations day by day. I will start dreaming more. I will start believing in the improbable. One thing is for sure- nothing extraordinary will happen if I don't believe that it can first.

Old School

Ok, I realize that I've been a bit haphazard in my writings here for quite a long time so I will attempt to do the unthinkable- write a semi-coherent train of thought. It happens to be something that I'm actually pretty bad at. But here goes. I'm writing because I am a bit scared. I think for most of my life I have felt powerless to change the things that go on around me, even when they involve me. I have always taken it as "that's the way it is" and I want to be happy. I want a job that I love, friends and family to share it with, and a man who loves me for who I am and just wants to enjoy life together. I want to go on adventures but nothing too drastic. What scares me about wanting this is knowing that bad things happen. People die or get sick or go away. Jobs disappear, especially in the field that I have chosen. Jena called me out a long time ago when she said I m scared of my own happiness. It's not that I'm scared of being happy, I'm just scared of how it will end. So I've spent a large portion of my life running away from things that make me happy because I'm afraid they will go away. Honestly, I think that was the main aspect that made me decide to go to OSU- if I was far away enough from my friends and family it would be easier to miss them because I will have disconnected myself from them so much. Going home isn't an option when you're so far away, and I think there's also a part of me that enjoyed the fact that I was leaving them. That made me in control, and I liked being in control even more than I liked my own happiness. But now, I miss it. I miss my family a lot and all the time. They are some of my favorite people and I chosen to move far away from them in order to remain in control of my own missing of them. I chose a relationship with someone who was not necessarily what I needed but someone who was consistent. Unfortunately his consistency was making me a bit unhappy, but in the beginning I had opened myself up to him and felt loved. I loved the idea of him and the idea of a relationship, but it was a fantasy that was not reflected in reality. The relationship was dysfunctional and ended up making both of us unhappy I think. As messed up as things got, I know that I cannot blame him for everything that happened because I still had not learned the strength of my own voice and the commitment that I have to myself and my own happiness. I could not articulate what made me so unhappy so there was no hope of fixing it, even if we could. And if we couldn't then the relationship would have been over much sooner and much less damage would have been done. Instead, I ran. I ran away from myself, knowledge of what I really needed, and who I truly am. I also closed myself off from so many beautiful friendships with my own judgments and assumptions. I know that I did what I did to protect my soft inner self from something I was not ready for, but as I get ready to leave college I am forced to think of what I will remember. I have been given so many wonderful opportunities here to be loved and give love, but I have not taken many of them. I have learned so much about myself and have finally come out the other side as someone who is stronger in who they are and what they want to give. I thank the part of me that kept me protected for so long because I think I could have suffered a lot more damage than I have. Once that hard outer shell is peeled away I still have a lot of life and love left for this world and for this college thing. I'm thankful that I have come so far. I am thankful that I have finally realized that I have a boyfriend who loves me for exactly who I am and friends and family that feel the same way (what a blessing!) But I am still scared of a fall from grace or happiness. I will try my best to live out of my true center and not just out of this protective place that avoids pain at any cost. There is always a chance for pain and always a chance for failure, but that's life for everyone. You just have to strive to be as happy as you can at any given moment and trust the rest to God or juju or the flying turtle in the sky. Anyways, I don't know if that came off as comprehensive as I would have liked but I think it's the first time I've written like a used to in a while. Life is definitely one crazy-ass ride. For those of you who haven't yet, listen to more Tristan Prettyman, namely her new album Cedar+Gold. She is fantastic. Also, to all you bah-humbug Scrooges out there- it's finally after Thanksgiving! All Christmas stuff is fair game! I will infect you with my merrimenttttttt. SKO BUCKS, Mariah

Don't Grow Up Too Fast

These past few years I have grown up. It's been a pretty difficult process and it's funny the conclusions you come to at the end of a long process. I was so eager to grow up for so long. I remember talking to my NSYNC poster on my wall when I was eight and telling it I couldn't wait until I was all grown up and moved out. I remember even through high school craving this independence that I thought came with adulthood. Well, let me tell you, adulthood actually sucks. Bills. Rent. Money. Loans. Credit. Responsibility. Car repair. Scheduling. Organizing. Advocating. blah blah blah blah. Granted there are definitely a few things that are great. There is a sense of independence and a freedom in a sense. But really, I miss having dinner made for me all the time. I miss having the time to go for walks and dream about what my life will be like without any of the hardships of reality. I miss having that firm confidence of knowing where you are going and how it will happen. There is a certain raw ambition to it. So, all I'm saying is don't grow up too fast. Appreciate your family and friends. Suck all the youth you can out of life. Kisses, Mariah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxbJmMMq0A4

On the topic of hobbies and self-improvement

Life is busy right now. I am teaching a lot, band is sucking up a large portion of my time as are my friends and Marlyn. For the most part I'm not salty about it, although there are classes and band events I should sure do without... The thing is, I want to have hobbies. I used to have time to read and research things that interested me. I learned a few songs on guitar. I got lost in novels for hours. I could bike ride a lot and thing about life and philosophy. I miss these things. I want these things back. I really love the people in my life and am grateful for all of them, but dammit sometimes I want to do things for just myself and for no greater purpose. I used to be so in touch with that side of me and I miss it. That's my deal and I really hope I find a way to incorporate that soon. Peace and blessings :-)

I LOVE THIS.

Ooops, I forgot I had this....

Oh herro there, I kind of forgot about this blog- I always think "Oh I should blog about that" or "Oh man, that would be great to share with people" but I never really get around to sitting down and doing it. Here's a quick update: I made TBDBITL- not bad for a kid who never marched in high school. It has been the most stressful but most rewarding experience of my collegiate career so far. For someone who lacks a bit of self-confidence at times, it has been hard to keep on putting myself out there every day. I can feel myself getting better though, and that improvement has kept me going. Between this and learning how to teach, I have been forced to remain patient with myself on this journey, and have struggled with understanding that I shouldn't be perfect at everything. Life is a process. Hot damn, that is hard to get sometimes. I'm getting amped up to student teach- right now I'm teaching once a week at Gahanna and whitehall in general music and (believe it or not) 6th grade flute. God help me. It's strange to think ahead of how my life will be in about 9 months, where I will be getting a job and where I will be moving. I do indeed have some control issues and the fact that I don't know where I'll be irks me a lot. Nevertheless, I'm trying to embrace it. YOLO. Anyways, love you all. I'm sure I will find time to write here more often. Go do something fun. Also, jump in a pile of leaves for me. Kthanksbye.

That awkward moment when you realize your sense of humor is actually just really creepy to people who don't know you well. Por ejemplo: Instead of waving and shouting goodbye to friends you know ok but not well, you just put on a drugged up smile, cock your head to the side, and raise your hand like you're going to wave but you don't actually move. I call this the possessed ventriloquist. Sure to ensure none of those people want to be in public with you ever again! Whoops....