Dreams

I've never been quite sure of what dreams are. My parents made me believe that there is something of importance to be found in them, especially those dreams you just can't shake when you wake. The people who say that they mean nothing....well quite frankly I think they are dumb. There has to be something causing these complex thoughts and situations in our brains when in reality the only thing we are seeing is the back of our eyelids. One group of people says it's your subconscious trying to feed you what going on inside of you. Another says that dreams are God trying to communicate with us. Another says they are memories from a past life. And even another says they are just the products of your imagination, the human creative spirit at work. I think maybe it's all of these.

When I was little I had normal dreams- there was one I had in 1st grade where I flew! I was jumping from one giant geometric shape to another; cube to cylinder and then, when I tried for the sphere and slipped off, I simply took flight. It was amazing. My nightmares were normal, spiders chasing me, always something chasing me. I had such an overactive imagination that I pictured the villains and monsters of my nightmares chasing my into my parents room as I leapt into their bed for comfort.

When I got older the spiders turned into something a bit more sinister- Nazis. A lot of them. I would always try to be invisible, always concentrate all of my energy on just being overlooked by them. And there were times that I escaped, but then again there were times I did not. People underestimate how exhausting dreams can be. I would wake up tense and exhausted.

There was also one time I prayed the rosary and to God to help me find my Area All-State music because I had misplaced and I was in DEEP shit. I had a dream that it was in a file cabinet, in a plastic bag with a bunch of other papers. I woke up and told my mom about it who then riffled through plastic bags full of various papers from our messy lives and, sure enough, there it was. See, God will provide!

There was another time I dreamt I met God in the post office. He leaned down and whispered something in my ear. I remember that dream because I woke up just feeling this light bursting within me, all of this love radiating throughout my body.

Recently, my dreams have taken a dark turn. Pretty consistently actually. It started with the Holocaust dreams- almost weekly I would dream of being a Jew during WWII and subsequently the Holocaust. Other than that, I have been to a slumber party that turned into everyone hanging themselves. I have also identified my father in a morgue, but he was wearing mime make-up for some weird reason. I have seen Henry shot in the back of the head, I have been hunted by a serial rapist and killer and that my father was a serial killer. And Irish one actually. I have awoken so many times with such grief in my heart, I don't know what to do about it anymore. These are not normal dreams. I would kill to just be naked in public, pop out a baby, or lose a few teeth, all of which are "normal" nightmares.

I don't think I am a morbid person. I really just don't understand why my mind is full of these constant and REALISTIC thoughts of death. It sucks.

Good dreams are nice too- I had one where Dave Matthews gave me a private concert. I also had one where I was getting a free lesson from Gail Williams. I just think that to counterbalance my bad dreams, I need it to be Christmas every day in my good dreams. Do they have dream analysts?

Get me one of those.

Funny enough, it is time for bed.

Good night everyone! Sweet dreams.

Mariah