My Baby Blue

I still think about him a lot, maybe more than I should.

It was February 2nd, my sister texted me, "Danny Langfelder killed himself!" I was at a concert that the Berlin Woodwind Quintet was putting on; talk about a punch in the stomach. At intermission I called my mom. All she said was, "Oh Mariah..." and I knew he was gone.

"And you'll forever my baby be..."

My dad was one of the first people Danny's father Robert called. Danny was found in his dorm room, not breathing. We later found out that he had been missing home for some time previous to this day. He had struggled with depression and some other issues in his life, but he was on his way back. He talked to his dad earlier that day saying that the medication he was on was finally starting to take effect and he was feeling better. No one knows if that was the point he decided to take his own life, or if the medication altered his mental state and made him think that taking more pills would make him feel better. The reasoning is still a mystery but the outcome was inescapable.

"I confess I'm not quite ready to be left..."

Danny and I were childhood playmates, thrown together because our dads were good friends. I remember little snippets of our time together- we always used to make Creepy Crawlers together. That was OUR thing. I also remember going to his birthday party and not knowing anyone there (we went to different schools) but still feeling welcome. That was the thing about Danny, he always made everyone feel like they belonged. No matter how alone or disliked you thought you were, one look from those baby blues and you knew you had a friend.

"You give, you give, to this I can attest."

Danny and I eventually drifted apart. The last time we hung out he had moved to Brockport. He showed me his drum set- the boy was a beast. We saw each other at school, always exchanged smiles. He was such a light in the hallways, he radiated. It's funny how I found out more about him after he passed than I knew about him in life. Maybe not funny. Maybe tragic. He was a young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He didn't understand the cruelties he saw, how people could be so ugly to each other. I never saw or heard of him turning his back or judging a single soul. He was too good for this world.

"I will forever cause you'll forever be my one true broken heart."

I wish more than anything that I could have been there for him. I wonder if he knew what was happening, if he was scared. He went when God called him but I long to have been there to hold his hand, to put his head on my lap, stroke his hair and tell him that it was going to be OK. It was not his fault, I don't think. I just pray that he is happy. Danny touched so many lives with his kindness, his quirkiness, and his spirit.

"You're my baby blue."

My parents told me about the effects Danny's death had on his parents. They had to overcome some of their religious views about suicide. I cannot believe that God would abandon those who took their own lives. Can you imagine how alone they must feel in order to think that taking their own lives is the only way out? Or how much despair and hopelessness shrouds them? Or even how sick they were, how their brain screwed them over? There is no way a God of love would turn his back when his children need him the most. Danny's dad especially rediscovered his spirituality and grew more excepting. As Kahlil Gibran writes, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." There was a memorial service in Brockport for Danny at a skate park he used to frequent. My parents said that a large array of people showed up to share stories about Danny. Danny enriched the lives of people from every social class and click. That memorial service was a conglomerate of who wouldn't normally meet but who were brought together to remember this remarkable life. Even after he was gone Danny was bringing people together.

I think about you all the time, Danny. I am so grateful to have known you. I think you are happy up there; maybe that burden you carried all your life is finally lifted. I miss you. And I will always miss you.

I love you.

"You will rest your head, your strength once saving

And when you wake you will fly away

Holding tight to the legs of all your angels.

Goodbye my love into your blue, blue eyes.

Your blue, blue world-

You're my baby blue."