First time without training wheels

In general I'd like to think I am a fairly strong person. In general I'd like to think that I am ok with being alone and being me and being alive. But there are times where sometimes it all just hits me. Kelly and Stephanie moved out on Sunday and the house was suddenly void of some special light they have. I can't describe how much each of them means to me and how they make me a better person just by being around. They lit up all the dark corners of that apartment. They both keep me in check, but listen to what I have to say, and respect me. And love me. We have gotten to the point where it is beyond friendship, instead we share some kind of nameless bond. All I know is I miss them a whole hell of a lot.

Then there is my actual family. I know I made the right choice in what school to come to but sometimes when I see kids who can go home for weekends or dinner it really hurts a lot. Just to know that that home base is there and you can go back any time you want, sometimes that's all I need. I don't call as much as I should but I think maybe in my twisted mind it's because it makes it easier. All or nothing. Hold on or let go. And so in many ways I let go because that's the way it has to be. Otherwise I'd be miserable much more often. I was too weird and too self-absorbed in high school to really form any kind of a relationship with my sister- this is one of my deepest regrets. Now I see her growing up and I want more than anything to be a part of her life. I want to be there for her in ways that I haven't before. Because we are sisters. And that's what we do.

I have met people I love here. But many of them are very busy, including Henry. I don't blame any of them- literally everyone's schedules here are frantic. That's the way it's supposed to be in college. I'm just so used to people being there when I need them and I think I have taken this very much for granted in the past. That support system, whether it be a bunch of friends lying curled up together on a bed and saying nothing, or a basketball game with Dad, or lying in my mom's bed and telling her about my day, that is the thing that is hardest to function without.

So I guess now I am taking the step into adulthood that requires being a little less needy. As the title says it's my first time without training wheels. I'm a little wobbly, but with time I'll get the hang of it. Not to say I'm abandoning everyone, but maybe it's just time to actually learn to hold my own, know my own name, and have the courage to go my own way.

Grateful for: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw-TUO7A-HQ