So Damn Lucky

Hi guys,
I just wanted to say that it never ceases to terrify and amaze me at how fast our worlds can be turned upside down.
On the way home today Robyn and I saw a car crash. It wasn't good...
One of the members of the CCM horn studio fell off a roof and died...
A friend of one of the freshman horn players committed suicide...
That decision that maybe a heartbeat alone doesn't mean you're living...
Danny...
Poppie...

I urge you all, whomever this reaches, please find something you are grateful for. Even if it's the fact that you drove the ten minutes to work today and made it safely. There will always be something. What are YOU grateful for?
All of these aspects of our life that we find immovable and stagnant, the ones we take for granted, they are all more fragile than we can possibly realize.
Pray with me for all those who are hurting tonight. Chances are, as bad off as you think you are there is someone who is doing a lot worse than you. If you have time and energy and this blog is even on your priority list, you are so damn lucky.

Mariah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HaMLF4GQQU

HalleBOOia

Sup ya'll,
I don't have much to say cept hello. It's gonna be a busy weekend for me! Plus I get to go to Washington DC for the second time in my life for the Rally to Restore Sanity. Huzzah to history.

I am watching Little House on the Prarie. This is quality shit. OK, anyways....

HalleBOOia concert is gonna be great. That's all I've got to say. I hope everyone is well, please be safe and HAVE FUN on this festive weekend.

I'm grateful for: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymKLymvwD2U&ob=av2n
Do work. Hayyyyy.
MKH

Normal's Cool Too

I feel normal today and I am diggin' it. Nothing it dramatic or full of emotions. It is what it is and that's all that it is, and quite frankly, that is freaking awesome.
Go Bucks,
MKH

Today was a strange day- I woke up at ten, something that is completely unheard of for me. As I went about getting ready for the day, it constantly seemed like there was this shroud around me. The weather agreed- it was warm and almost a little dark, as if the sun were hesitant to let itself shine through the clouds. The entire day had the feeling of twilight.
After a sectional, scheduling, and lunch I knew it was time for a bike ride. I haven't been on one in quite a while but I knew that before another crazy week started I needed to center myself. These bike rides are one of my favorite ways.
Being in nature is so important to me- it always has been. Think of a tuner, the really old ones that have many different circles, all of them checkered and spinning quickly in opposite directions. Essentially it looks like many different roulette wheels, one inside the other, with the directions of those wheels alternating; clockwise, counter-clockwise, clockwise, counterclock-wise. Now, when you play the wheels speed is based on how out of tune you are- the further out of tune, the faster the wheels spin. However, when you play in tune the wheels slow down and begin to line up.
In general I would say my wheels are spinning quite quickly. I live inside of my head for a very large portion of my life. When I'm on that bike path though, all of my wheels slow down. Any swell of frustration or joy that I feel only fuels my legs. Sometimes I feel like running away from everything, from all of my obligations not only as a student but as a human being. Today I felt bogged down by the people around me, by their baggage and their choices and their negativity in some cases. That is why I just needed to go for a while. Get away from everything.
It was absolutely astounding.
The sky is always the first thing I look at when I ride- who doesn't like to observe how the heavens above us look on a daily basis? Today...wow. The sun was partially covered but would poke out with the brightest angel rays I've ever seen. The clouds were dynamic, large and wrinkled, with an occasional smear near to the horizon. Every bit of sunshine today seemed like it was intended just for me, that God had nothing better to do in this world that to make sure that I knew I am being watched over. There was a warm gentle breeze that caressed me. This is how God, a God of love over all things, hugs me. I felt invincible and joyous.
I don't think I have ever been so in awe of autumn as I was today. In summer all of the green meshed together, it was easy to see the forest but very difficult to see the tree. That is not the case anymore- with all of their leaves stripped from their bodies I could see every naked form. Still, they were not sad or ashamed of being seen so exposed an vulnerable. They stood tall and unmoving in their bareness. Every angle of every branch beckoned, outstretching it's hand to me. So many arms reached toward me, welcoming me. Again, God was hugging me.
A hawk passed above, hovering for a second before beginning to circle the field ahead of me. People were out in droves; some of them were alone, meandering on their bike or feet and looking all around, taking in the beauty around them. There were the exercisers, those who looked much more focused on their speed and pacing than the beauty unfolding all around them. There were couples, holding hands and enjoying each other's companionship. And there were families, parents taking their kids to go explore the wonders of Mother Earth. I swear to you, I do not see people as consistently happy as they are on that trail. There are smiles everywhere.
I finally reached Antrim Park, swooping around the corner just in time to get a bug square in the eye. I stopped to get it out and when I finally did I took a moment to look around.
I think what I experienced was one of the most beautiful emotions I've ever felt. The sun was perfect and golden, the clouds had parted to one of the bluest skies I've ever seen. The color of the water reflected the sky, and the trees were exploding with color on the other side of the lake.
It was perfection.
So that was my ride, a bit of perfection. It always brings my mind back to this shirt I saw at blendapparel.com. There was a picture on this billboard that said "Everything will be OK." but someone had crossed off "will be" and written "is already". "Everything is already OK." It's those moments of perfection that string you along in this space.
Cause we've got some joy up in this place. Bitchez.

I'm grateful for the fact that I had Bush's Baked Bean and then uncooked cauliflower for dinner. Ah, college.
Sorry mom.

I am sitting here, listening to DMB and watching Henry and Mike play Halo. I am full of spinach, lentil soup, and jimmy john's day old bread. And a few beers.

And in this moment I just wanted to say that I am so happy. About everything. I FEEL SO HAPPY!

And that I love you all. Maybe it's the alcohol talking. Or the fact that I'm about to go to Dave Hedgecoth's house, a man who I think I will very much like but never had a chance to talk with.

I am giving my 2 weeks notice at work tomorrow. And I played the shit out of Strauss 1 today.

In conclusion, a very sloppy one I might add, I am sending so many good vibes to all of you right now.

Boop-a-doop my little boo-boo bears.

Fierce.

Beerce.

Tearce.

MKH

I am just gonna spit a quick something out before I peace for another shift at the grinds.

Dear strings teachers,

#1- if there's more than one of you please maintain consistency in what you ask for. I am doing what one person tells me only to have the other person come by and correct me, then the original person come back and tells me to go back to what they want. If this is confusing to me as a college student imagine much inconsistency can affect kids.

#2- plan your lesson plans to actually fit the schedule. I understand that you want us to learn good form with these new instruments but at least at this level we have weekly quizzes. When you actually put the bow on the instrument for the first time for maybe ten minutes before the quiz and run through the exercise just four times, that's not very effective.

#3- Be accurate and specific in naming body parts and describing motion. I was told repeatedly to bow and lead with the top of my hand. This leads to too much wrist and a considerable amount of tension in the right arm. Instead, I should be leading with the side of my hand when it is in proper bowing position, the space between the thumb and index finger.

In reality I just feel incredibly overstimulated by learning the violin at 8 3o por la manana. Everything moves. Everything. It's all so external....it's so weeeeeird.

OK, that's all.

I'm grateful for the Titanic Soundtrack. Epic horn guys. Really.

MKHizzle

Wonderwall

This is perhaps my favorite quote by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love:

“…I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “The Physics of The Quest” – a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. And the rule of QuestPhysics maybe goes like this: “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe.”

I have had many teachers in my life, many of whose wisdom or lessons I didn't allow to penetrate my ego. There are many times I think we all choose not to face and forgive the ugly truths about ourselves and the lives that we lead.

For me, the "Wonderwall" is almost a realization of this, a moment where you look at the journey ahead of you and realize there is this huge barrier between you and a better life full of a little more love and centeredness than you have now. And as you look at the wall, you have to decide, "Do I climb over it? Or do I just turn around and walk at the base of this giant partition?"

Rest in reason. Move in passion.

Make the climb.

I am so lucky that that choice unveiled itself to me and, although I did not recognize it at the time I think it will ultimately shape how I live my life. Not just because I have looked at that one wall and scraped my way up one side and flailed down the other, but because I now have the knowledge and the courage to know that if I continue following my own little red line of life that the truth will not be withheld from me.

So for my own Wonderwall, the person who taught me this lesson for the first time and who helped me to see that I am strong enough, know that I am grateful for you. I appreciate all of the teachers I have had, some of whom are continuing to teach me. But know that I will carry you in my heart always.

Afterall, you're my Wonderwall.

MKH

"But I see in you a beauty that shall not fade away, and in the autumn of your days that beauty shall not be afraid to gaze at itself in the mirror, and it shall not be offended." - Kahlil Gibran, Jesus The Son of Man

My past is a golden blur.

It radiates and pulses, it is alive.

If I turn around, it blinds me-

Angel rays in my eyes.

So instead I turn towards the darkness

that lies in front of me.

It waits for me.

It calls to me.

I look to both sides-

I see friend and foe

I see heros and heroine addicts.

All of them take steps into the dark-

They are just like me.

They are me.

I see a friend falter-

I watch a friend fall...

Then a man, glowing of his own light

walks over and holds out his hand.

And he says,

"I cannot pull you up alone.

You must first take my hand."

I see my friend hesitate;

Tired of the exhaustion

Tired of the unknown

Tired of wandering in the dark.

But then!

I see a hand unfold

A connection the likes of which have not been seen

Since the day God sparked Adam to life-

As a part of Himself.

As the man lifts my friend to their feet, he looks:

I can sense his warmth

I can feel it engulf me

I can see him banish the dark and the unknown.

I am lost in love.

He says, staring into my friend's eyes,

"There is always the choice to get up.

There is always the choice to continue with the journey.

Most important of all, there is the choice to take my hand-

It is always outstretched and waiting."

And all of us on our paths stop

We watch as the man, burning with the brilliance of

True Enlightenment

Forges fearlessly into the dark

Until he is nothing more than the tiniest pinprick

in the distance.

My friend

Begins shuffling forward

As we all do-

Made One by our journey

Our pasts a golden blur behind us

Our futures nothing but a pinprick in the distance.

Do you ever stop for a moment and think about everything that you do in the day? I'm not talking about "I go to class, I go to work" blah blah blah. No, I mean every minute detail. Walking, chewing, spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread even. We all operate on these minute little details that our bodies know how to do. We have all learned how to grip a knife or walk up stairs and all of these tiny little muscle movements that are involved in all of these activities.

Here's my next question- have you ever started overanalyzing these everyday tasks so it actually becomes difficult? Test it out sometime- the next time you go to brush your teeth, micromanage everything. Think about how your fingers shape and grip to open the toothpaste, or even how your wrist moves when you are moving in the proper circular motion for 2-3 minutes at least twice a day. You will find yourself faltering, the brain is trying to comprehend and cognatively manage everything. Even worse is when you find yourself doubting your ability to do something you've done a million times before. For example, the other day I was riding my bike home after a really crappy day. My lesson was despicable, class was dry and unfulfilling, and I was just exhausted and cranky. While riding up the slope to my apartment, I though, "Watch me fall off my bike, that would be the perfect cap to the day." Sure enough my foot slipped not two seconds later and off I tumbled. The fact that I fell off my bike is ridiculous- I ride all the time. At the risk of being cheesy, my bike and I are one. I just feel comfortable when I ride. Nevertheless, on one of the easiest sections I've ever ridden off I flew.

Here is my point- this whole thought process directly relates to horn. Sorry if the end point is a bit of a let down... but hey, horn=life. I've played for over ten years now, over half of my life. I have played basically every note on my horn at least once. I need to stop doubting myself so much and just play. Granted I can make everything "easier" as Henniss would say and my consistency can go up, but I need to trust that I've got mad horn skills. In the words of the Barenacked Ladies, "It's all been doooone befooooore." So yeah, I need to pull my head out of my head and just know that I've been playing horn almost as long as I've been riding a bike.

Alright, that's all I've got.

Gratitude: This sermon:http://www.stonybrookumc.org/Websites/stonybrookumc/Images/One_Month_to_Live_Living_the_Dash_Rev_Dr_Mike_Bowie_October_3_2010.mp3

Also Arnold Palmers. Dericious.

Facebook Creeping

I have a sort of daily regimine for facebook creeping. There are certain people that I check every day- family, dear friends, etc. Other people I avoid altogether either because they annoy me or various other reasons. There is one person that I check up on frequently that I really have no connection to.

Her name is Kaitlin. She graduated from Brockport High School one year before I did. I remember her- we played softball together and once I actually nailed her in the head with a hard throw. And I was the second most powerful arm on the team...that must've jostled some stuff loose. Poor girl...

She has a kid now, a son named Dylan. I see that she's back with the baby's father after they split for a little while. She is back in school. For some weird reason I find myself just wanting her to succeed- to be a good parent and to be able to provide a comfortable life for her and her family. I want to see her happy and fulfilled.

I think in many ways it's sometimes nice to get that kind of "this is what my life could've been if I made different choices" perspective.

I am thankful for my path but also very grateful that she is on hers and doing the best she can. In the end I think that's really all you can do.

I apologize if this post is kind of creepy.

Different strokes for different folks-

MKH

Ode to Dave Matthews

Dear Dave Matthews,

I do not know why I am so in love with you. You are 44....you have 3 kids and a wife....you are kinda pudgy and balding.

But I am totally in love with you.

You don't really speak in sentences, you just kind of send out garbbled fragments into the world. You've smoked half the pot the world has ever produced.

But your voice is like sex to me. It's so smooooookey.

Probs from that pack a day thing.

Your mouth and eyebrows are incredibly engaging.

I like the way your leg jiggles when you play and sing.

And I know that if we ever actually had a go:

1- this would never happen

2- I would probably become annoyed at your inability to form complete sentences and your abstract metaphors.

3- your wife would probably kill me....understandably

So for now I will leave my slight obsession with you in the category of "life's mysteries".

Grateful for: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8aFX3fJNV4

"And he thanked God for the weed."

Also, feel free to ask me about my original composition "Night Tuna". It's a keeper.

Mung it up.

Mariah

The last ones a poster in my room. Shh, don't tell.

"Don't Ever Let Your Mind Stop You From Having a Good Time."

Hola, mis amigos. Lo siento para no escribiendo para una semana.

I am pretty sure most of that is incorrect but hey, it's been going on 5 years since I took spanish. Me gusta tocar la guitarra.

Allllright. This has been...just a weird-ass start to the quarter. It feels so completely different that any other year I've been here, and I think it's a good thing. I think this is a fresh start. I think that maybe I have nothing left to lose in the scholastic and horn sense.

On Wednesday I saw Jason Mraz for the third time. Let me tell you, that man is absolute magic. Because we want to help the earth and also because it was an absolutely gorgeous day, Jena and I rode our bikes and arrived with wind-swept hair and rosey cheeks. We both had ordered through the fan club which means we got "jump the line" passes which allowed us to enter the gates 15 minutes before everyone else. In a general seating venue like the LC, THIS IS A BIG FREAKING DEAL. We were second row. Second....row.... as in, there was the stage, then a fence, one person, THEN US. Oi.

The opening act was really cool and set the vibe up for Mraz really well. If you get the chance check out Luke and the Lovingtons. The first thing I noticed is that Luke made eye contact with me. I have never been to a concert, classical or otherwise, where this happened. Those kind of seats are so cool because it makes the whole experience so personal. Throughout the concert 5 people were called up on stage, one of whom was the girl standing directly behind me. She was screaming in a high-pitched voice, "I LOVE YOU JASOOOOON EEEEEEEEEE OH MY GOD JASOOOON I LOVE YOUUUUUUU." Over and over again. Another was a girl who screamed, "I CAN BE YOUR COLBIE!!!!" while Jason was singing "Lucky" and then elbowed her way up to the front, pushing me and Jena out of the way. Then when she was called up she didn't know any of the words, prompting Mraz to change the lyrics to "Oh my God..." at one point.

My mind wandered back to auditions and the masterclass we had on this past Tuesday. It seems that the world rewards the people who blindly go after what they want, even if they sacrifice tact, respect, and kindness. The world responds to blind ambition.

I wanted to be asked on stage...

I wanted to dance with Jason....

I wanted to be in Wind Symphony...

So here I am meditating on this. I don't judge these people for doing what they did- most of them turn out to be hilarious and even if they weren't everything that has happened I believe is appreciated by the people whom good fortune has smiled upon. But still, I sit here and think if I should give up being kind and respectful. I wonder if maybe being vain or selfish is a good thing because it seems to me that you almost need to be to be successful. I think about this. I envision myself acting that way. And I always come back to the same conclusion: I am not that person.

I will always try to act out of kindness and selflessness. I will always be respectful of music and people, even if that means that I don't get called on the stage. My strength will not be from being picked out of a crowd but rather by connecting with everyone in that crowd. And I have to believe that God knows that I have this power and strength inside of me and because of that, I don't need to make Wind Symphony just yet. My ego, my heart can take the blow this time. And I will look back on what happened, brush myself off, and tell myself that it was for the best. Because when I auditioned, I played for a chair. I played for the approval of Mikkelson, Allen, and Henniss. When I played, it was for all of the wrong reasons. And that is why I failed. It is my job to sacrifice all that I can for the music itself. It is not about what chair I am or who beat me, but rather about the message that I can convey with my horn and the lives that I can touch by doing what I do. All of it, the degree, the etudes, the scales, all of it doesn't matter if it's not going into the music. I am not here to be lifted up or any of that. In the end, I will take off my shoes, unbutton my pants, sit down, and play the shit out of my horn.

Mraz did look at me, 3 or 4 times in fact. And although it was only a few seconds of eye contact it meant the world to me, because from that one look I could tell that he wasn't here for himself. He was here for the music. And he was here because whatever he had tapped into had found a way into all of our hearts and changed us. I felt his gratitude and love. I felt his humaness. And I know it sounds cheesy to say that all of that came from one glance, but it did. You could FEEL it.

I will let my love radiate from within me. I will not operate out of blind ambition, but rather blind FAITH. I will trust that if I put one foot in front of the other I will get there. I will be fueled by my love for music and improvement and those times that you hit a note in the dead center and the lights overhead rattle as if God is saying, "Yes, that's the spot!"

I will practice hard so I can follow this dream. Cause I know that if I trust in everything that has happened and where I want to go, I will get there.

Get some.

And maybe try smiling at everyone you meet tomorrow.

Peace out girl scout,

MKH

I am grateful for the part of me that sits there and just smiles back at you. Howdy. How you doin?