I am pretty sure most of that is incorrect but hey, it's been going on 5 years since I took spanish. Me gusta tocar la guitarra.
Allllright. This has been...just a weird-ass start to the quarter. It feels so completely different that any other year I've been here, and I think it's a good thing. I think this is a fresh start. I think that maybe I have nothing left to lose in the scholastic and horn sense.
On Wednesday I saw Jason Mraz for the third time. Let me tell you, that man is absolute magic. Because we want to help the earth and also because it was an absolutely gorgeous day, Jena and I rode our bikes and arrived with wind-swept hair and rosey cheeks. We both had ordered through the fan club which means we got "jump the line" passes which allowed us to enter the gates 15 minutes before everyone else. In a general seating venue like the LC, THIS IS A BIG FREAKING DEAL. We were second row. Second....row.... as in, there was the stage, then a fence, one person, THEN US. Oi.
The opening act was really cool and set the vibe up for Mraz really well. If you get the chance check out Luke and the Lovingtons. The first thing I noticed is that Luke made eye contact with me. I have never been to a concert, classical or otherwise, where this happened. Those kind of seats are so cool because it makes the whole experience so personal. Throughout the concert 5 people were called up on stage, one of whom was the girl standing directly behind me. She was screaming in a high-pitched voice, "I LOVE YOU JASOOOOON EEEEEEEEEE OH MY GOD JASOOOON I LOVE YOUUUUUUU." Over and over again. Another was a girl who screamed, "I CAN BE YOUR COLBIE!!!!" while Jason was singing "Lucky" and then elbowed her way up to the front, pushing me and Jena out of the way. Then when she was called up she didn't know any of the words, prompting Mraz to change the lyrics to "Oh my God..." at one point.
My mind wandered back to auditions and the masterclass we had on this past Tuesday. It seems that the world rewards the people who blindly go after what they want, even if they sacrifice tact, respect, and kindness. The world responds to blind ambition.
I wanted to be asked on stage...
I wanted to dance with Jason....
I wanted to be in Wind Symphony...
So here I am meditating on this. I don't judge these people for doing what they did- most of them turn out to be hilarious and even if they weren't everything that has happened I believe is appreciated by the people whom good fortune has smiled upon. But still, I sit here and think if I should give up being kind and respectful. I wonder if maybe being vain or selfish is a good thing because it seems to me that you almost need to be to be successful. I think about this. I envision myself acting that way. And I always come back to the same conclusion: I am not that person.
I will always try to act out of kindness and selflessness. I will always be respectful of music and people, even if that means that I don't get called on the stage. My strength will not be from being picked out of a crowd but rather by connecting with everyone in that crowd. And I have to believe that God knows that I have this power and strength inside of me and because of that, I don't need to make Wind Symphony just yet. My ego, my heart can take the blow this time. And I will look back on what happened, brush myself off, and tell myself that it was for the best. Because when I auditioned, I played for a chair. I played for the approval of Mikkelson, Allen, and Henniss. When I played, it was for all of the wrong reasons. And that is why I failed. It is my job to sacrifice all that I can for the music itself. It is not about what chair I am or who beat me, but rather about the message that I can convey with my horn and the lives that I can touch by doing what I do. All of it, the degree, the etudes, the scales, all of it doesn't matter if it's not going into the music. I am not here to be lifted up or any of that. In the end, I will take off my shoes, unbutton my pants, sit down, and play the shit out of my horn.
Mraz did look at me, 3 or 4 times in fact. And although it was only a few seconds of eye contact it meant the world to me, because from that one look I could tell that he wasn't here for himself. He was here for the music. And he was here because whatever he had tapped into had found a way into all of our hearts and changed us. I felt his gratitude and love. I felt his humaness. And I know it sounds cheesy to say that all of that came from one glance, but it did. You could FEEL it.
I will let my love radiate from within me. I will not operate out of blind ambition, but rather blind FAITH. I will trust that if I put one foot in front of the other I will get there. I will be fueled by my love for music and improvement and those times that you hit a note in the dead center and the lights overhead rattle as if God is saying, "Yes, that's the spot!"
I will practice hard so I can follow this dream. Cause I know that if I trust in everything that has happened and where I want to go, I will get there.
Get some.
And maybe try smiling at everyone you meet tomorrow.
Peace out girl scout,
MKH
I am grateful for the part of me that sits there and just smiles back at you. Howdy. How you doin?
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