I think now is the time to give it to God. I am at an utter loss as to what to do next. I don't know my next step. I am so. damn. lost.
I feel like there is a message there somewhere. I am supposed to be learning something. There has got to be a reason for this.
But I cannot fathom what it is.
So I give it to God. Reveal yourself to me. Tell me what to do next. You have finally got my attention. I am listening.
Whisper in my ear.

"You've Got to Go Forwards to Go Back"

The title is one of my favorite quotes from Willy Wonka.

Things are back in session and I'm struggling a bit...life is easy when things are new and there's a clean start. DC was so nice and freeing. But regardless I am back here and I can't do anything to change it.

It's funny, once again Mraz's most recent blog post was spot on. He talks about missing days of ignorance when he didn't know how big the world was and how he actively he could participate and change it. While he is referring to environmentalism and taking care of the Earth I'm finding what he said very relevant. Basically you cannot unlearn what you've learned and you cannot unexperience what you've experienced. Sometimes I find this very comforting- the mistakes I've made this far are not the ones I will make in the future...or at least I will be aware of them. I will be able to build off of them and be stronger. However, sometimes this makes my life very difficult right now. I've been expecting healing to come quickly but I have been fooling myself. He was 2 years of my life and there is a definite space there that I am finally noticing. I used to be lonely in high school and I got used to it. But I always had my friends and family. God, I have been so blessed with such amazing people in my life. Inevitably as I grow up I am finding myself more independent, but also alone for much more of the time. He was always there to fill that loneliness. Even if he was not there personally I could entertain thoughts of him. I knew someone out there loved and cared for me. I mean, we were in a relationship. He was my boyfriend. This is a different kind of loneliness because I actually know some of what I'm missing. As much as I would like forget everything that's happened I cannot, and as the anger and bitterness dissipate I am just left with sadness at the memories of the good times. It hurts me to see him because I still like him, there is still a warmth of affection there. I was fooling myself to ever think that I could look at him objectively- if I was able to I think that would be a very scary statement about our relationship.

But you know what else loneliness represents? Space. Space to grow. Room to heal. Freedom to be me- going where I want and doing what I want to do. I cannot go back to old periods of stability. I cannot repress everything. Time will allow me to find a new balance in my life and a new definition of contentment. Regardless I am done dwelling on the sadness and confusion of the past because what is done is done. Carrying that burden with me any longer will be intentionally making myself unhappy.

I am on a quest to forgive myself and find peace. But hey, you've got to go forwards to go back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU

"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children and your sisters and you brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive."

Donation Station

I just went through my clothes and collected a solid garbage bag full of things that I never really wear. This is something we used to do in my house every once in a while- over time so many garments accumulate and you just forget which ones you actually wear. I've gotten quite a few, as you can see. I'll drop them off at a goodwill later today.
This is a simple something that I think everyone should do once in a while. As much as you think, "Oh I really like that. I'll wear it someday." I can assure you that there's someone out there who you appreciate it and probably use it a lot more than you do. So, yeah. Do it.

Also, don't drink Maxwell House coffee. It's only 8o% coffee and made with awful quality beans often bought at unfair prices. The rest of the 2o% is made up of barley and sometimes the husks of the seeds. And THEN they artificially flavor and scent it. Apparently at Stauf's they had a can of the stuff to have people smell. Over the years it was so corrosive it ate through the metal container holding it. That's what you're putting in your body every day.

Think Globally, Act Locally-
MKH

In the jungle...

This is Tonto- I got him in Disney World in senior year and he is just now being added to the safari of stuffed animals that are currently making their homes on my bed.
In many ways I'm just a child. I like the soft and fluffy. And being surrounded by polymer filler is currently the way I sleep the best.
Holla at cha gurl.
MKH

Thanks to Tristan Prettyman for this.

Don't Make Me Go Back!

It's amazing to me how I have allowed my energies to be so diminished. I have learned a lot about focus these past 2 years and how much is necessary to succeed in the field I have chosen. HOWEVER, I have allowed this idea of dedication and attention to my craft to become my life. These people here amaze me. They are intelligent but live by the "work hard, play hard" rule.
I love the east coast mentality in many ways. I've missed it. There's a strange cultural difference between the east coast and the midwest and it has become quite apparent to me that right here, right now, I want to live in a huge city probably on one of the coasts. Boston and Washington have both stolen my heart in different ways and have satisfied my need to do something new all the time. Columbus is cool but there's the sloppy campus part and then the general vibe is one of people who are ready to settle down but still be active. I respect that but that is not where I am in my life. Right now I am young and tireless. I just want to be moving all the time, reading, learning, running.
I can't describe how refreshing this vacation has been for me. I have been around people who are not bogged down in gossip and bullshit. There are differences between people and although they vent it doesn't spread like wildfire. It isn't all they do. There is too much work to be done and too much fun to be had to let rumors and whispers take up their time. They don't talk about music all the time. They don't even talk about politics all the time. I need to find BALANCE. I cannot just live my life through music. I love it, I do. I have no regrets about the field that I've chosen to go into, but I cannot talk about it constantly. I will work hard in school, I will practice, but when I'm not around it...honestly I don't really want to talk about it, about who's doing what in the S.O.M., I want to DO something. I want to go somewhere and just have fun. I don't want to spend time with people who enjoy doing this too.
This next quarter I want to be more focused and efficient in music- I will plan and stick to a practice schedule. I need to start observing too. But I also want to start reading before bed again and maybe drawing some more. I can finally get my bike soon and get back to the trail.

I love my life.
Yesterday I buzzed while looking at the Washington Monument. Then I laid down and absorbed the suns rays for a few minutes. I had nowhere to be. My best friend was laying beside me. We took off our shoes and walked in the grass which was just a little bit soft because of the rain.
We went to monuments and museums. I LOVED the cherry blossoms. Everything around me is radiating life. Sun. Flowers. The people in DC are constantly moving- running, talking, there's somewhere to be. These are important people. Attractive people. People who take pride in what they look like and what they are doing with their lives.
We came home and drank wine on the balcony of Kelly's apartment with her friend Thao. It was perfect. Meanwhile there are people bustling about the apartment talking about politics and policies, what's happened this past week in the world and what the next step is. I am in love.
I am in love with the potential of life. I am blessed with many things in my life. And I just wanted to share my happiness with all of you.
There ain't no limitations on this life.
Rest in reason. Move in passion.
MKH

My current life proclimation:
I will go in this way and find I my own way out. I won't tell you what to be.

Simple as that.

Play!

I'm feeling a little weird tonight, like someone spiked Mrs. Borrayo's date bars with a heaping helping of nostalgia with a dash of WTF.
I was going through pictures of my childhood today- they are currently sitting out on our dining room table crying out for some attention. It seems to me that I was always outside and always getting into something. I remember a lot of my childhood, at least up until we moved. It's strange to me that I have less active memories of the past ten years of my life than I do some of my childhood. I remember running around at the park until I was completely covered in sweat and dirt but I still didn't want to go home. I remember the one time my cousins and I were playing tag in our backyard and I slipped because it had been raining and did my first full split. I remember the time I faked being hurt in the pool so when my mom went to help me up I pulled her in. It's weird, even though I couldn't put it into words I knew I had it good. My days then were active and filthy- the greatest fashion accessories to my oversized t-shirts were the grass stains on my pants. I miss that. I miss running around with my friends not to stay in shape or work my glutes but rather because we just wanted to play.
That seems to be a consistent theme in my life- I just want to play. I just want to play my horn. I just want to play knock-out until I literally can't breathe anymore. When you try to bring me inside, bathe me, and make me look real nice I just want to say "No" and continue running around. Maybe I'll sleep out here. It really doesn't matter. Cause I just want to fucking PLAY.

So in honor of exhuberant mood I now find myself in, I give you Play! by Carl Holmquist. Props to Matt Dockendorf to exposing me to this piece. I am mucho grateful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX5Qe3QRQQw

Go be mischievous!

New Tattoo

Mostly want the Hannon one. But also, I'm a Holt. I feel like it'd be weird to have 1 on each shoulder blade though....Decisions decisions.

Why No, I'm Not OK. But Thanks for Asking.

I have tried pretty hard to keep everything together and keep my focus. So far it's worked- I played a pretty damn good jury, or at least my best one yet. I am now the Treasurer of OCMEA. I laugh a lot more than I have in a really long time. I play guitar. I hang out with friends I haven't seen in a while. I even joke about naming my cat Dave Meowthews.
But for the life of me I cannot study for this stupid Geography Exam.
I know I shouldn't use my blog as a journal. I won't get into too many details and I know that there will always be that feeling that there were things left unsaid.
I tell myself I am fine. And most of the time I am. But there are some times of course that I am just very sad. What's easy and what's for the best are hardly ever the same thing. I know I have done what's best for me and what I needed to do. I know that finally saying "enough" and protecting what was left of myself was what was right for me. But I think... I think I suck at communicating. I think that maybe if I had said something earlier we could've grown together. But instead I just sat on my emotions and became more and more detached. I separated myself to a point where there was no going back. That is my biggest regret about all of this. I know that I could not act on lessons I hadn't learned yet, but isn't that kind of sad too? There's just so much I would do differently now.
I have tried to be the person who always thinks, "What can I learn from this?" but sometimes what I forget is that there are times that life just SUCKS. Even after you've learned all you can from a situation it still aches. I especially hate it when I'm going about my life and there's this place where he should be. And I think "Oh, I'll tell him that later." and then with a pang realize that no, I won't.
I trust that this is all for the best. God, I really hope it is.

MKH

PS: FUCK ENVIRONMENTAL GEOGRAPHY.

The Bitchslap

Here's my hypothesis on life right now.
Shitty things happen for a reason. You can learn from them and accumulate lessons learned and therefore grow wise. If you learn the important lessons you might even reach Enlightenment.
However, you can also choose to ignore said lessons and take different path. Ignorance, selfishness, and ego are the 3 main reasons for this I think.
So, because of that, sometimes the lesson you are supposed to learn just builds up...
it says: Hey.....
then it says: HEY....
Finally it shouts; HEYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
And then, hopefully, you are forced to pay attention. This is the cosmic bitchslap. Don't worry, it's for your own good.

I wish more than anything that Eat Pray Love didn't apply to my life. I wish I had actual words for the "Why?"s that have surfaced. I wish I could take away the pain I have caused. I don't regret it. I don't take it back. It just feels like shit right now and I guess it's supposed to.
Being the one being broken up with may be more painful, but being the one doing the breaking up is much more confusing. It makes you question yourself a lot. And instead of being able to be blameless in the ending of the relationship, you feel directly responsible for the other person's pain. Because, quite frankly, you are. I am.
I would like very much to just run away from all this now. Or fast forward ten years from now and be able to say, "Oh, that's why this whole mess happened." The whole "hindsight is 2o/2o" thing.

For Lent I am not giving anything up, but rather I am adding prayer and meditation to my life on a daily basis. I can't do this to myself or someone else again. I need to remain in touch with the voice of God inside of me. Well...that's all I've got to say. Sad dark swirly days.

I will be damned if there aren't days where this journey is really lonely though...

Tis a gift to come down where you ought to be.

I have always been an experience-based person. Perhaps this is a sign of trust issues, or maybe it is a part of my insatiable curiosity. Mr. Henniss actually touched on this in a studio class a week or so ago. He said that when we come into a lesson he will of course help us. "No, that A should be played trigger 3" kind of a deal and when we try it we think, "Hey that's awesome! Trigger 3 sounds great!" And yeah, we grow. However, nothing will ever replace the time you spend in the practice room. We are all unique, our lips and teeth and demons all our own. It is up to us to explore the realm of the horn enough where we find the best possible outcome. And since we have discovered it on our own, it is ours. We can trust it. How's that for a metaphor.

You know what it really is? I'M not ready. I'm not. And I know that may be selfish but it is the only thing I know. I am growing and morphing every day of my life. I am unstable as most twenty year olds SHOULD be. I need to give myself room to grow, room to take whatever shape is the best me I can be. So many of the issues of the actual relationship were fixable. But every time I thought about going back I felt...cramped. Claustrophobic- like I was being squeezed into a tiny little box that was too small for me NOW. I couldn't even imagine years from now. And let me tell you- that is not on him. This is a blameless post talking about issues past the silliness of FAULT or GUILT. It's bigger.

I trust in my journey. I trust that my heart is telling me what I need. I trust that this is bigger than me and bigger than him. It is out of our immediate control. As my parents always say, "Everything is in divine order."

I need the freedom to travel and to write. I want to meditate. I want to explore. I want to jump off cliffs into unknown bodies of water and feel mud between my toes. I want to play the shit out of my horn and be able to go wherever that takes me. I want to BE SELFISH. I want to trust whatever process is leading me to wherever I'm meant to be.

And in the end, when I have experienced and experimented enough on my own I know love will find me. I pray that I am open to ALL possibilities of this love. I know I will be. And I will look at him in the face and say, "I've been expecting you. Yes, I think I am ready now."

And then we will begin a life together as the fullest versions of ourselves and because of that with a deeper and fuller understanding of each other. Our LOVE will be deeper.

It will be extraordinary.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

This is my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFcLFqipRl4

I might run off at any given time
Don't leave no notes there ain't no reason to lie
Guess I haven't found what I'm looking for
Can't keep my hands to myself
Or my eyes off the door

Is it any wonder that I'm on to the next
I'll be the first one to tell you
And the last to forget
Don't let me drag you into this bitterness
Sometimes I don't even understand the half of it

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much love

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much love

Sometimes I can't stand to be apart
I walk around this city, alone 'til it's dark
And if the sadness won't ever go away
I suppose I'll build it a home
So it has a nice place to stay

Most of the time I don't mind the company
But God I wish you would stay
Why do you have to leave
Seems like we always want what we can't have
But that's just life baby, you can't get mad

When there's no one to blame
And nothing here to see
You don't call, I don't blame you
I don't even trust me

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much, love

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much

I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how

And this happens all the time
Oh yes it happens all the time…

I am not sure who I am reaching out to right now. I am not sure who I can trust and who will not let me down.

It is always a startling realization that you are not the person you once hoped to be. I had such dreams of love. Of once in a lifetime.
But this stupid fucking compass inside of me will not leave me alone. I have lost it, found it, even TRIED to lose it so I can be happy right now but it won't SHUT UP. I have made myself alone this time. This was me. And I would like to tell myself that it is for the best right now but I cannot see it. All I see right now are all of those memories that he and I shared and all of those hopes I had for our future. All they do is dance around my head and mock me. Because I am the one that stopped that support and that safety and those possibilities. That is all my fault.
If you asked me right now why I'm doing it, I can't even tell you. All I can say is I have to reclaim myself. All I can say is that my inability to communicate how I am feeling lead me here in the first place. There was a moment I could have called him and leaned on him and finally communicated and I didn't. Why didn't I do it? Why did I just stay silent again? Did my silence just claim the love that has sustained me?