I am not sure who I am reaching out to right now. I am not sure who I can trust and who will not let me down.

It is always a startling realization that you are not the person you once hoped to be. I had such dreams of love. Of once in a lifetime.
But this stupid fucking compass inside of me will not leave me alone. I have lost it, found it, even TRIED to lose it so I can be happy right now but it won't SHUT UP. I have made myself alone this time. This was me. And I would like to tell myself that it is for the best right now but I cannot see it. All I see right now are all of those memories that he and I shared and all of those hopes I had for our future. All they do is dance around my head and mock me. Because I am the one that stopped that support and that safety and those possibilities. That is all my fault.
If you asked me right now why I'm doing it, I can't even tell you. All I can say is I have to reclaim myself. All I can say is that my inability to communicate how I am feeling lead me here in the first place. There was a moment I could have called him and leaned on him and finally communicated and I didn't. Why didn't I do it? Why did I just stay silent again? Did my silence just claim the love that has sustained me?