Tis a gift to come down where you ought to be.

I have always been an experience-based person. Perhaps this is a sign of trust issues, or maybe it is a part of my insatiable curiosity. Mr. Henniss actually touched on this in a studio class a week or so ago. He said that when we come into a lesson he will of course help us. "No, that A should be played trigger 3" kind of a deal and when we try it we think, "Hey that's awesome! Trigger 3 sounds great!" And yeah, we grow. However, nothing will ever replace the time you spend in the practice room. We are all unique, our lips and teeth and demons all our own. It is up to us to explore the realm of the horn enough where we find the best possible outcome. And since we have discovered it on our own, it is ours. We can trust it. How's that for a metaphor.

You know what it really is? I'M not ready. I'm not. And I know that may be selfish but it is the only thing I know. I am growing and morphing every day of my life. I am unstable as most twenty year olds SHOULD be. I need to give myself room to grow, room to take whatever shape is the best me I can be. So many of the issues of the actual relationship were fixable. But every time I thought about going back I felt...cramped. Claustrophobic- like I was being squeezed into a tiny little box that was too small for me NOW. I couldn't even imagine years from now. And let me tell you- that is not on him. This is a blameless post talking about issues past the silliness of FAULT or GUILT. It's bigger.

I trust in my journey. I trust that my heart is telling me what I need. I trust that this is bigger than me and bigger than him. It is out of our immediate control. As my parents always say, "Everything is in divine order."

I need the freedom to travel and to write. I want to meditate. I want to explore. I want to jump off cliffs into unknown bodies of water and feel mud between my toes. I want to play the shit out of my horn and be able to go wherever that takes me. I want to BE SELFISH. I want to trust whatever process is leading me to wherever I'm meant to be.

And in the end, when I have experienced and experimented enough on my own I know love will find me. I pray that I am open to ALL possibilities of this love. I know I will be. And I will look at him in the face and say, "I've been expecting you. Yes, I think I am ready now."

And then we will begin a life together as the fullest versions of ourselves and because of that with a deeper and fuller understanding of each other. Our LOVE will be deeper.

It will be extraordinary.