"You've Got to Go Forwards to Go Back"

The title is one of my favorite quotes from Willy Wonka.

Things are back in session and I'm struggling a bit...life is easy when things are new and there's a clean start. DC was so nice and freeing. But regardless I am back here and I can't do anything to change it.

It's funny, once again Mraz's most recent blog post was spot on. He talks about missing days of ignorance when he didn't know how big the world was and how he actively he could participate and change it. While he is referring to environmentalism and taking care of the Earth I'm finding what he said very relevant. Basically you cannot unlearn what you've learned and you cannot unexperience what you've experienced. Sometimes I find this very comforting- the mistakes I've made this far are not the ones I will make in the future...or at least I will be aware of them. I will be able to build off of them and be stronger. However, sometimes this makes my life very difficult right now. I've been expecting healing to come quickly but I have been fooling myself. He was 2 years of my life and there is a definite space there that I am finally noticing. I used to be lonely in high school and I got used to it. But I always had my friends and family. God, I have been so blessed with such amazing people in my life. Inevitably as I grow up I am finding myself more independent, but also alone for much more of the time. He was always there to fill that loneliness. Even if he was not there personally I could entertain thoughts of him. I knew someone out there loved and cared for me. I mean, we were in a relationship. He was my boyfriend. This is a different kind of loneliness because I actually know some of what I'm missing. As much as I would like forget everything that's happened I cannot, and as the anger and bitterness dissipate I am just left with sadness at the memories of the good times. It hurts me to see him because I still like him, there is still a warmth of affection there. I was fooling myself to ever think that I could look at him objectively- if I was able to I think that would be a very scary statement about our relationship.

But you know what else loneliness represents? Space. Space to grow. Room to heal. Freedom to be me- going where I want and doing what I want to do. I cannot go back to old periods of stability. I cannot repress everything. Time will allow me to find a new balance in my life and a new definition of contentment. Regardless I am done dwelling on the sadness and confusion of the past because what is done is done. Carrying that burden with me any longer will be intentionally making myself unhappy.

I am on a quest to forgive myself and find peace. But hey, you've got to go forwards to go back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU

"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children and your sisters and you brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive."