5 months later...

As you all can see it's been quite some time since I posted. Honestly, sometimes I can't believe everything that's happened. I have given a kick-ass recital, left the horn studio, mentally changed majors at least 3 times, been reaffirmed, been broken down, been built back up again.
I have met those that I have grown to love and I have had to let go of some of them.
I have begun listening to my dreams again.

Quite frankly, I am still on the road to being OK. Not quite there yet at all, but making progress. But hey, it's the journey not the destination right?

In other news, people are awesome. I love getting to know all these people that have been surrounding me for so long but who I never really got to know. Midwest was an AWESOME opportunity for that. It was also a huge affirmation that music is the path for me. It is no longer my escape, but something that makes me feel connected to everything and everyone around me. It leads me back to myself.
I think my favorite line from Midwest was, "We are wired to connect." That's right, it wasn't a profound statement about music or education, it was a statement about our humanity. Humans, whether we want to admit it or not, are social beings. We need interaction, we need to be connected to those around us. I think that too often on my path to self-discovery I have chosen to isolate myself from those around me because it "should be just about me right now." It can be about me, but I need other people. am wired to connect.

So, yeah...I think I've vomited enough sentence fragments onto this page right now.
Go connect with someone.
Now.
It's the holidays.

Meyahhhhh,
Mariah

The Cold Hard Truth

The first step to fulfilling the life you've always imagined and truly being able to love and appreciate those around you is self-love.
Challenge- accepted.

I Choose to Choose Love

When I was in high school I wasn't terribly interested in any of the boys at my school, nor were they interested in me. I sat around all day dreaming and fantasizing about love and the life I would create for myself.
It has taken me a while to realize that I have an active role in creating the situations I find myself in. I don't have to daydream anymore because the opportunities I always thought about have presented themselves. But much like a cliff doesn't look that high until you choose to jump off it, the risks I am taking and the vulnerability I am showing are petrifying.

As always the daily love email swooped in and comforted me with Mastin's divinely sent words. Fear comes from the unknown and from the need for love. All of the defenses we build up in our lives are a byproduct of us leaving ourselves vulnerable to someone and then being hurt or disappointed. But what's left after we have gotten out of those situations that do not fulfill us? Do we choose to protect ourselves from the opportunities that present themselves to us and because of this never grow? I am trying to open up. I am trying to choose the path of love. It is freaking terrifying. And I'm not quite sure how it will pan out. But this time I am different- I have a level of self-worth that wasn't there before. I have my own joy and my own path that I am unwilling to sacrifice for "love". So....here we go.

Here's to another great adventure,
Mariah

Dear Mariah,
Sometimes it's OK to not be the strong one. It's OK to be hurt. It just means you really cared about something.
Love,
Life

Up

Lately I've been obsessed with the Jason Mraz song, "Up".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DcyBZpTw9Y

If you listen to him talk about the inspiration for the song, he speaks a lot about how beautiful a relationship is when there is no ceiling to it, no limitations. The love that you have for each other breaks boundaries and makes the impossible possible.

Last night I watched Black Swan again, and it's amazing to me how much my perspective has changed in the 6 months since I last saw it. The first time I saw it all I could think about was the arts and how much we have to internalize what we do. I cognitively understood the juxtaposition of black versus white but I almost took it as a good versus evil. That couldn't be further from the truth. My mom tried to talk about this with me when we saw it and I exploded at her. Well mom, I think I get it more now. There is a place and time for the white swan, for control and logic. But the black swan is the side in all of us that gets lost in passion- in what we want and where we want to go. I think that especially for me the white swan has become very overactive and is actually limiting what I am capable of. It's putting a ceiling on what I want for myself and the life I want to lead. I know where I want to go, I know what makes me happy and it is my responsibility to myself and my own piece of mind to follow that wherever it takes me.

So here's to taking the limitations off of every part of our lives, whether it be a relationship with a lover, a friend, or with our self.

Taking the ceiling out,
Mariah

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison

I am struggling to find a way to find my voice, to be able to shout to the heavens what I have to say. I want to tell you my story. I want to be able to release this something in a way that is me. I want to release in a way that brings me peace. I have so much to say, how do I say it? Where is my voice?

Jena inspires me with her perspective and desire to be simple. Check out the words she is laying down here:

http://llenadehummus.tumblr.com/

Holla.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPRm6u7tuPE

Goodbye for now

To all of those who even glance at this thing anymore- I'm laying off for a while. Maybe permanently. We'll see. I just have nothing left to write.
Much love,
Mariah

The Journey
By Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

He came so we could forgive ourselves.

I strive to live my life in a way that shows Him gratitude.

Cosmo ruined my life.

So I recently purchased an issue of Cosmo because I thought, hey, why not? I used to read them all the time and even remember Nneka reading one in the high school cafeteria and giggling like...well like a school girl. But as I was reading through this I am becoming progressively more disgusted. Everything talks about "We polled guys and they think this thing is the most attractive." or "you should wear metallic nail polish out because it's hot and guys think it's so in right now."
That's ridiculous. And to think I used to plan my life around what they said I should do! How sad!
Moral of the story: Be yourself and everything will fall into place after that.

I am grateful for liking someone and not having any expectations come from it. It's really...nice.

Mariah


God Says Yes To Me
by Kaylin Haught
I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

Late Bloomer

It's funny, I always thought of myself as mature and ahead of the group. Lately it's been pushed in my face that I may very well know not much about life. I have great ideas, but no actual experience to back them up with. Dr. Allen said he thinks I'm going to be a late bloomer. Holy shit- a late bloomer. I've never been called that, I've been ahead of the game. I've always been the smartest, the fastest, the wisest, the most mature. But now through many events in my life I think I'm being shown that I am indeed just beginning to bloom. I need to learn to be OK with that. I need to learn to be OK with the process that is life, with how it moves and grows and how I grow with it. There is no magic text that gives you the secret to life. I can't look up what I'm dealing with in the library and find an article citing what I am learning and what I should do next. Not to be cheesey, but I think that text and that gauge is internal and not external. And internally I have no idea who I am or what I'm about. I have hints. But I need to stop being so scared and plunge into the thick of life.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined!"

My words are part of my medicine.

MKH

Mraz.
How do you know my life? I seriously am getting creeped out. Or if you are following me, can I at least get an autograph and maybe a picture?
K, thanks.
Mariah

I Can't Run but I Can Walk Much Faster Than This

There is a place of silence in me that I am rediscovering and it feels to freaking good. It's hard for me to write about it because it's mine and I'm scared of losing it again. Now, I know this somewhat defeats the purpose of the strength that the center of us is supposed to have, all of that always be yourself kind of a thing, but hey I'm rediscovering here.
The point is- colors are getting brighter, the world is expanding, the light is coming back in. I feel more in control of my life- not that I can control what happens to me but realizing that the true strength is how you react when things do happen. Or maybe for once deciding to be PRO-active instead of RE-active. I think that's a big one for me. There are so many cool people out there! How cool is that! And that I no longer depend on them to define me! So long I went through things thinking, "That's not the real me." Well, that's not altogether true. It was me all along. And I own that- the good, the bad, and the ugly. It may not have been an action that put me on the path of who I wanted to become, but it was me. Ownage. And with this realization the pride compliments the guilt and the stability balances the confusion.
I apologize if this blog has taken an unexpected turn in recent months- I've been riding the struggle bus for a while. Striving to yo-yo back to some kind of center. So, bear with me if you will. Is it bare? Bear. Right??

Enjoy the day.

I have a million things to do.
Instead I went for a bike ride.
I am realizing my words are more powerful than I think.
That I can choose who I share them with
And sometimes that they don't have to be shared with anyone at all.
I think that some things will never change
And as life goes on I will have so many different ties and emotions that cannot be ended, only changed.
I think that the closure I once thought existed is not the closure I will find.
I think that sometimes all these open ends of my life make me feel like I'm floating.
Like I just pushed away from the dock and the ripples are still getting settled below me
Expanding, losing power, getting further away,
But they don't go away.
It's one of the laws of physics-
matter is neither created nor destroyed.
It can be converted to energy.
Equal and opposite reaction
Blah blah blah
Prep ictus rebound
on and on and on

Sometimes it gets hard to think of a day where things will be "normal". That there won't be that one image that instantly just makes me hurt. But I've already pushed away from the dock and no matter what I do I can't turn back. I've already embarked.

But hey, at least it's sunny.

Comforting realization of the day:
I'm not nearly as alone as I think I am.




I miss this though:

"...sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living." - Jonathan Safran Foer

I think now is the time to give it to God. I am at an utter loss as to what to do next. I don't know my next step. I am so. damn. lost.
I feel like there is a message there somewhere. I am supposed to be learning something. There has got to be a reason for this.
But I cannot fathom what it is.
So I give it to God. Reveal yourself to me. Tell me what to do next. You have finally got my attention. I am listening.
Whisper in my ear.

"You've Got to Go Forwards to Go Back"

The title is one of my favorite quotes from Willy Wonka.

Things are back in session and I'm struggling a bit...life is easy when things are new and there's a clean start. DC was so nice and freeing. But regardless I am back here and I can't do anything to change it.

It's funny, once again Mraz's most recent blog post was spot on. He talks about missing days of ignorance when he didn't know how big the world was and how he actively he could participate and change it. While he is referring to environmentalism and taking care of the Earth I'm finding what he said very relevant. Basically you cannot unlearn what you've learned and you cannot unexperience what you've experienced. Sometimes I find this very comforting- the mistakes I've made this far are not the ones I will make in the future...or at least I will be aware of them. I will be able to build off of them and be stronger. However, sometimes this makes my life very difficult right now. I've been expecting healing to come quickly but I have been fooling myself. He was 2 years of my life and there is a definite space there that I am finally noticing. I used to be lonely in high school and I got used to it. But I always had my friends and family. God, I have been so blessed with such amazing people in my life. Inevitably as I grow up I am finding myself more independent, but also alone for much more of the time. He was always there to fill that loneliness. Even if he was not there personally I could entertain thoughts of him. I knew someone out there loved and cared for me. I mean, we were in a relationship. He was my boyfriend. This is a different kind of loneliness because I actually know some of what I'm missing. As much as I would like forget everything that's happened I cannot, and as the anger and bitterness dissipate I am just left with sadness at the memories of the good times. It hurts me to see him because I still like him, there is still a warmth of affection there. I was fooling myself to ever think that I could look at him objectively- if I was able to I think that would be a very scary statement about our relationship.

But you know what else loneliness represents? Space. Space to grow. Room to heal. Freedom to be me- going where I want and doing what I want to do. I cannot go back to old periods of stability. I cannot repress everything. Time will allow me to find a new balance in my life and a new definition of contentment. Regardless I am done dwelling on the sadness and confusion of the past because what is done is done. Carrying that burden with me any longer will be intentionally making myself unhappy.

I am on a quest to forgive myself and find peace. But hey, you've got to go forwards to go back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU

"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children and your sisters and you brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive."

Donation Station

I just went through my clothes and collected a solid garbage bag full of things that I never really wear. This is something we used to do in my house every once in a while- over time so many garments accumulate and you just forget which ones you actually wear. I've gotten quite a few, as you can see. I'll drop them off at a goodwill later today.
This is a simple something that I think everyone should do once in a while. As much as you think, "Oh I really like that. I'll wear it someday." I can assure you that there's someone out there who you appreciate it and probably use it a lot more than you do. So, yeah. Do it.

Also, don't drink Maxwell House coffee. It's only 8o% coffee and made with awful quality beans often bought at unfair prices. The rest of the 2o% is made up of barley and sometimes the husks of the seeds. And THEN they artificially flavor and scent it. Apparently at Stauf's they had a can of the stuff to have people smell. Over the years it was so corrosive it ate through the metal container holding it. That's what you're putting in your body every day.

Think Globally, Act Locally-
MKH

In the jungle...

This is Tonto- I got him in Disney World in senior year and he is just now being added to the safari of stuffed animals that are currently making their homes on my bed.
In many ways I'm just a child. I like the soft and fluffy. And being surrounded by polymer filler is currently the way I sleep the best.
Holla at cha gurl.
MKH

Thanks to Tristan Prettyman for this.

Don't Make Me Go Back!

It's amazing to me how I have allowed my energies to be so diminished. I have learned a lot about focus these past 2 years and how much is necessary to succeed in the field I have chosen. HOWEVER, I have allowed this idea of dedication and attention to my craft to become my life. These people here amaze me. They are intelligent but live by the "work hard, play hard" rule.
I love the east coast mentality in many ways. I've missed it. There's a strange cultural difference between the east coast and the midwest and it has become quite apparent to me that right here, right now, I want to live in a huge city probably on one of the coasts. Boston and Washington have both stolen my heart in different ways and have satisfied my need to do something new all the time. Columbus is cool but there's the sloppy campus part and then the general vibe is one of people who are ready to settle down but still be active. I respect that but that is not where I am in my life. Right now I am young and tireless. I just want to be moving all the time, reading, learning, running.
I can't describe how refreshing this vacation has been for me. I have been around people who are not bogged down in gossip and bullshit. There are differences between people and although they vent it doesn't spread like wildfire. It isn't all they do. There is too much work to be done and too much fun to be had to let rumors and whispers take up their time. They don't talk about music all the time. They don't even talk about politics all the time. I need to find BALANCE. I cannot just live my life through music. I love it, I do. I have no regrets about the field that I've chosen to go into, but I cannot talk about it constantly. I will work hard in school, I will practice, but when I'm not around it...honestly I don't really want to talk about it, about who's doing what in the S.O.M., I want to DO something. I want to go somewhere and just have fun. I don't want to spend time with people who enjoy doing this too.
This next quarter I want to be more focused and efficient in music- I will plan and stick to a practice schedule. I need to start observing too. But I also want to start reading before bed again and maybe drawing some more. I can finally get my bike soon and get back to the trail.

I love my life.
Yesterday I buzzed while looking at the Washington Monument. Then I laid down and absorbed the suns rays for a few minutes. I had nowhere to be. My best friend was laying beside me. We took off our shoes and walked in the grass which was just a little bit soft because of the rain.
We went to monuments and museums. I LOVED the cherry blossoms. Everything around me is radiating life. Sun. Flowers. The people in DC are constantly moving- running, talking, there's somewhere to be. These are important people. Attractive people. People who take pride in what they look like and what they are doing with their lives.
We came home and drank wine on the balcony of Kelly's apartment with her friend Thao. It was perfect. Meanwhile there are people bustling about the apartment talking about politics and policies, what's happened this past week in the world and what the next step is. I am in love.
I am in love with the potential of life. I am blessed with many things in my life. And I just wanted to share my happiness with all of you.
There ain't no limitations on this life.
Rest in reason. Move in passion.
MKH

My current life proclimation:
I will go in this way and find I my own way out. I won't tell you what to be.

Simple as that.

Play!

I'm feeling a little weird tonight, like someone spiked Mrs. Borrayo's date bars with a heaping helping of nostalgia with a dash of WTF.
I was going through pictures of my childhood today- they are currently sitting out on our dining room table crying out for some attention. It seems to me that I was always outside and always getting into something. I remember a lot of my childhood, at least up until we moved. It's strange to me that I have less active memories of the past ten years of my life than I do some of my childhood. I remember running around at the park until I was completely covered in sweat and dirt but I still didn't want to go home. I remember the one time my cousins and I were playing tag in our backyard and I slipped because it had been raining and did my first full split. I remember the time I faked being hurt in the pool so when my mom went to help me up I pulled her in. It's weird, even though I couldn't put it into words I knew I had it good. My days then were active and filthy- the greatest fashion accessories to my oversized t-shirts were the grass stains on my pants. I miss that. I miss running around with my friends not to stay in shape or work my glutes but rather because we just wanted to play.
That seems to be a consistent theme in my life- I just want to play. I just want to play my horn. I just want to play knock-out until I literally can't breathe anymore. When you try to bring me inside, bathe me, and make me look real nice I just want to say "No" and continue running around. Maybe I'll sleep out here. It really doesn't matter. Cause I just want to fucking PLAY.

So in honor of exhuberant mood I now find myself in, I give you Play! by Carl Holmquist. Props to Matt Dockendorf to exposing me to this piece. I am mucho grateful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX5Qe3QRQQw

Go be mischievous!

New Tattoo

Mostly want the Hannon one. But also, I'm a Holt. I feel like it'd be weird to have 1 on each shoulder blade though....Decisions decisions.

Why No, I'm Not OK. But Thanks for Asking.

I have tried pretty hard to keep everything together and keep my focus. So far it's worked- I played a pretty damn good jury, or at least my best one yet. I am now the Treasurer of OCMEA. I laugh a lot more than I have in a really long time. I play guitar. I hang out with friends I haven't seen in a while. I even joke about naming my cat Dave Meowthews.
But for the life of me I cannot study for this stupid Geography Exam.
I know I shouldn't use my blog as a journal. I won't get into too many details and I know that there will always be that feeling that there were things left unsaid.
I tell myself I am fine. And most of the time I am. But there are some times of course that I am just very sad. What's easy and what's for the best are hardly ever the same thing. I know I have done what's best for me and what I needed to do. I know that finally saying "enough" and protecting what was left of myself was what was right for me. But I think... I think I suck at communicating. I think that maybe if I had said something earlier we could've grown together. But instead I just sat on my emotions and became more and more detached. I separated myself to a point where there was no going back. That is my biggest regret about all of this. I know that I could not act on lessons I hadn't learned yet, but isn't that kind of sad too? There's just so much I would do differently now.
I have tried to be the person who always thinks, "What can I learn from this?" but sometimes what I forget is that there are times that life just SUCKS. Even after you've learned all you can from a situation it still aches. I especially hate it when I'm going about my life and there's this place where he should be. And I think "Oh, I'll tell him that later." and then with a pang realize that no, I won't.
I trust that this is all for the best. God, I really hope it is.

MKH

PS: FUCK ENVIRONMENTAL GEOGRAPHY.

The Bitchslap

Here's my hypothesis on life right now.
Shitty things happen for a reason. You can learn from them and accumulate lessons learned and therefore grow wise. If you learn the important lessons you might even reach Enlightenment.
However, you can also choose to ignore said lessons and take different path. Ignorance, selfishness, and ego are the 3 main reasons for this I think.
So, because of that, sometimes the lesson you are supposed to learn just builds up...
it says: Hey.....
then it says: HEY....
Finally it shouts; HEYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
And then, hopefully, you are forced to pay attention. This is the cosmic bitchslap. Don't worry, it's for your own good.

I wish more than anything that Eat Pray Love didn't apply to my life. I wish I had actual words for the "Why?"s that have surfaced. I wish I could take away the pain I have caused. I don't regret it. I don't take it back. It just feels like shit right now and I guess it's supposed to.
Being the one being broken up with may be more painful, but being the one doing the breaking up is much more confusing. It makes you question yourself a lot. And instead of being able to be blameless in the ending of the relationship, you feel directly responsible for the other person's pain. Because, quite frankly, you are. I am.
I would like very much to just run away from all this now. Or fast forward ten years from now and be able to say, "Oh, that's why this whole mess happened." The whole "hindsight is 2o/2o" thing.

For Lent I am not giving anything up, but rather I am adding prayer and meditation to my life on a daily basis. I can't do this to myself or someone else again. I need to remain in touch with the voice of God inside of me. Well...that's all I've got to say. Sad dark swirly days.

I will be damned if there aren't days where this journey is really lonely though...

Tis a gift to come down where you ought to be.

I have always been an experience-based person. Perhaps this is a sign of trust issues, or maybe it is a part of my insatiable curiosity. Mr. Henniss actually touched on this in a studio class a week or so ago. He said that when we come into a lesson he will of course help us. "No, that A should be played trigger 3" kind of a deal and when we try it we think, "Hey that's awesome! Trigger 3 sounds great!" And yeah, we grow. However, nothing will ever replace the time you spend in the practice room. We are all unique, our lips and teeth and demons all our own. It is up to us to explore the realm of the horn enough where we find the best possible outcome. And since we have discovered it on our own, it is ours. We can trust it. How's that for a metaphor.

You know what it really is? I'M not ready. I'm not. And I know that may be selfish but it is the only thing I know. I am growing and morphing every day of my life. I am unstable as most twenty year olds SHOULD be. I need to give myself room to grow, room to take whatever shape is the best me I can be. So many of the issues of the actual relationship were fixable. But every time I thought about going back I felt...cramped. Claustrophobic- like I was being squeezed into a tiny little box that was too small for me NOW. I couldn't even imagine years from now. And let me tell you- that is not on him. This is a blameless post talking about issues past the silliness of FAULT or GUILT. It's bigger.

I trust in my journey. I trust that my heart is telling me what I need. I trust that this is bigger than me and bigger than him. It is out of our immediate control. As my parents always say, "Everything is in divine order."

I need the freedom to travel and to write. I want to meditate. I want to explore. I want to jump off cliffs into unknown bodies of water and feel mud between my toes. I want to play the shit out of my horn and be able to go wherever that takes me. I want to BE SELFISH. I want to trust whatever process is leading me to wherever I'm meant to be.

And in the end, when I have experienced and experimented enough on my own I know love will find me. I pray that I am open to ALL possibilities of this love. I know I will be. And I will look at him in the face and say, "I've been expecting you. Yes, I think I am ready now."

And then we will begin a life together as the fullest versions of ourselves and because of that with a deeper and fuller understanding of each other. Our LOVE will be deeper.

It will be extraordinary.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

This is my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFcLFqipRl4

I might run off at any given time
Don't leave no notes there ain't no reason to lie
Guess I haven't found what I'm looking for
Can't keep my hands to myself
Or my eyes off the door

Is it any wonder that I'm on to the next
I'll be the first one to tell you
And the last to forget
Don't let me drag you into this bitterness
Sometimes I don't even understand the half of it

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much love

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much love

Sometimes I can't stand to be apart
I walk around this city, alone 'til it's dark
And if the sadness won't ever go away
I suppose I'll build it a home
So it has a nice place to stay

Most of the time I don't mind the company
But God I wish you would stay
Why do you have to leave
Seems like we always want what we can't have
But that's just life baby, you can't get mad

When there's no one to blame
And nothing here to see
You don't call, I don't blame you
I don't even trust me

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much, love

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much

I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how

And this happens all the time
Oh yes it happens all the time…

I am not sure who I am reaching out to right now. I am not sure who I can trust and who will not let me down.

It is always a startling realization that you are not the person you once hoped to be. I had such dreams of love. Of once in a lifetime.
But this stupid fucking compass inside of me will not leave me alone. I have lost it, found it, even TRIED to lose it so I can be happy right now but it won't SHUT UP. I have made myself alone this time. This was me. And I would like to tell myself that it is for the best right now but I cannot see it. All I see right now are all of those memories that he and I shared and all of those hopes I had for our future. All they do is dance around my head and mock me. Because I am the one that stopped that support and that safety and those possibilities. That is all my fault.
If you asked me right now why I'm doing it, I can't even tell you. All I can say is I have to reclaim myself. All I can say is that my inability to communicate how I am feeling lead me here in the first place. There was a moment I could have called him and leaned on him and finally communicated and I didn't. Why didn't I do it? Why did I just stay silent again? Did my silence just claim the love that has sustained me?

I am OK. I am better than OK. Just know that. I might not post for a while because right now I'm doing shit for me, and not necessarily things for other people and like it or not when I write on here I am conscious of my audience. So, yeah. Take care of yourselves. It's a cray-cray world.

I Have a Sick Mind

All night I dreamt that Henry and I were ready to settle down, that we had both found good and secure jobs and it was time, and that he was asking me to try again. I hate my mind. It always does this, fabricates things that aren't true but the things I wish were true the most.
I don't think I'll meet another man whose love for the British Navy is equal to mine.
I always believed that when people said "The timing wasn't right" they just weren't trying hard enough. Now I get it. But I really really wish I didn't. Because reality SUCKS. It's inevitable, it hunts down the mind of the dreamer and slowly just disintegrates the foundation of their beliefs. I'm not sure what I'm left with now, other than a completely broken heart. I tried so freaking hard, and he did too, but you can't change busy schedules. You can't change that at the end of the day we were both to exhausted to appreciate each other. We were just holding on for dear life and hoping the storm stopped soon. But it didn't. And it won't because then there's grad school. Then we don't know where we will actually get jobs. And as much as we'd like to think that we can make it...I guess we just couldn't.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to talk.
I just want to be left alone.
I am completely broken.

I am left with only 1 conclusion about life: love is not always enough. And that basically ruins everything I've built my beliefs on.

Why is he so awesome....

"When you see something beautiful or experience something rad it's good to have someone next to you to validate that you just saw that...what a beautiful day this is...and then that person also get to hold that memory with you forever."

-Mraz

I'm the King of the Castle...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7in-9E3ImQ
This song will always remind me of riding in the car on the way to Ricketts Glen with my cousins. The dark trees whizzing past, but the sun of summer was upon us. I don't remember who was in the back seat with me, but I know my cousin Shawn and his girlfriend, now wife, Carol was up in the front. The windows were rolled down and the air whooshed past us and we wound our way through the mountains. My hair was still wet from swimming that morning. I don't know what it makes me feel other than nostalgic...maybe a little innocent? A time when I was just waiting for "real life" to start and I could dream all I wanted to without the restrictions that reality has put in place. I don't even know....this memory has a taste to it, it tastes like summer and promise and freedom and the love of my family. It tastes of something that is comfortable but still exciting. I think this is one of those rare moments where I really appreciated what was happening as it was happening.

It was a rough day, but now I am living in that memory. And I am smiling. Because spring is coming. The light and soft caress of a summer breeze is on its way. So I have hope.

Goodnight all,
MKH

The Only Way to Please Everybody is to Never Make a Decision

Although the title to this entry really isn't very relevant to what I'm about to write, I think it's very important for me to realize. I can't please everyone. I can't take everyone's advice. Instead I must trust what I know, what my experiences have been, and live my own life. I sometimes struggle to do what I believe is right because I have been advised against it. In the process of trying to please everyone I am not pleasing myself. <---I just that's what she said-ed myself in my mind. Regardless, it's true. I need to stop being so afraid of everything- missing an opportunity or making the same mistakes as people around me. I don't need to justify my choices to people. I choose to trust in where my heart and work is taking me. This leaves me vulnerable in many ways if I fail, but I will be damned if I won't try. One of Kelly's friend's from Syracuse has a tattoo on her biceps that just says "Fail Brilliantly". I mean...that's it.
I played in studio today, and it didn't go well. I put a lot of time into the piece....but it just was crap. Everyone says it was the best time that I've ever played in studio and that I sound like a different player. I appreciate their comments and I'm sure they're true, but in the end I am frustrated. For those of you who have seen The King's Speech, I feel exactly like that. The reason I believe I am meant to perform is because I have that voice inside of me, that desire to show that piece to the world. To connect in a way that is pure. And when my performance abilities cannot convey it, I just get...backed up. All of that emotion has started, that image is within my mind but it won't come out of my bell. For the life of me it won't bloody come out. I have a musical stutter.
After the performance I was visibly upset. Yeah...I cried in front of my entire studio. Not like wept or anything, but the silent Indian tears. Henniss came up to me and asked me to come into his office. He looked at me and said, "Mariah, I don't mean to say you shouldn't be crying because that would invalidate you. But I really don't understand why your crying." He told me, again, that I had played the best I ever have. Henniss is great about maintaining a positive feeling in lessons and encounters, but you can tell if he is being polite versus saying an actual compliment. This was sincere. And it meant a whole hell of a lot to me. In the end we started to discuss how it's hard to communicate an emotion through a piece without getting too emotional. It's hard, and it's something that only comes with experience. Then I get home and I read this on Mraz's blog:
Gratitude is the practice that will take you to the next level. If you can recall a time in your life when you were stuck, think about what got you unstuck - that moment when you realized why a certain thing had to happen. In that moment you were grateful that it was over – AND in that moment you’re suddenly grateful that you went through it – AND from that moment on, you view yourself a much stronger person because of the experience. Only in gratitude do you advance to the next level.

So today this is what I'm grateful for. I am grateful for the struggles that I have been through, and even the humiliating moments because I choose to believe I am stronger for them. I choose to believe that I am learning from everything that I do and that the next step will be easier. I am grateful for the people in my life who keep things in perspective.

Onwards and Upwards,
Mariah

I'm looking for some real human connection man, none of this gossipy professional dancing on the border of what you should do and shouldn't I don't feel that at all no mo'. Gotta do something for me, need a time out from what's going on to do my thing and connect in a way that isn't superficial. That's what I need. Not angry, not sad, not tired, just lookin' for a little somethin' somethin' to legitamize my words-

Can ya dig it?

A Response to My Previous Post

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves

of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean,

at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without

wondering.”

-Saint Augustine

I understand that responding to yourself is weird, but here it is. What has happened has happened. All I can do is pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. I am strong enough to do this. I am strong enough to be present in what I do. I am strong enough to wonder and then pull myself back to the present, back to the reality which I shape. I create my own world. And the longer I waste energy and thought on things I've done that is energy wasted.

I still love my fish and Susan Powell is my new hero. I need a mantra.

MKH

This is my new little friend. Not the best picture of all time, but the little navy blue blob is her! Her name is Vera- it kind of popped into my head when I saw her and although this is crazy, I swear she responds to it! I said Vera and she came over from the other side of the tank for a photo op. Vera actually fits really well- both latin and slavic in origin and mean faith or truth. My little daily dose of faith and truth. Also makes studying a little less lonely. So naturally, that is what I'm grateful today. I reaaally hope she doesn't die. Really a lot.

OK, so basically I freaking hate this "growing up" thing. When you're born you start with a clean slate and everything's great. Your parents protect you and then when you get older you can blame them for how "difficult" your life is. There is always the ability to blame your circumstances. You know what? Right know just sucks. Because you can't blame anything or anybody except yourself. I've messed up a lot and it's all on me. And what's worse is that clean slate is completely gone. Everything that I've done follows me around everywhere and I find myself living in the past. Obsessing over what I've done and what I haven't. There are days where I wish that I could be weak and curl up into a little ball and just not move for a while. Like in 5th grade when I used to finish my work early and just sleep in the nurses office. And when I went back nothing had changed. Nobody was too far ahead of me. I was never playing catch-up or trying to stop living in the past. What if I did everything in my life differently? What if I slept around? Or what if I had buckled down and gone to Yale and then onto medical school? Would I have encountered all of the things I have on this path? Would my regrets be the same? Would the memories of some of the things I've done and the mistakes I've made still haunt me? Is this just an inevitable part of growing up?

I am where I am. I am who I am. Could I have been anyone other than me?

MKH

Art is a step from what is obvious and well-known toward what is arcane and concealed.
Khalil Gibran

Maybe this is why all musicians are a wee bit crazy. We are forced to look deeper and attempt to see what is behind the veil of everyday reality. We attempt to convey that which cannot be explained. We are forced to dig deeper than most. This is not saying that people who have other career and life paths don't do this, but I think in many ways musicians are FORCED to in order to be successful. And sometimes what lies behind the veil is scary and complex. Other times I think it's a lot more simple than we perceive. I don't know man. I do. not. know.

Trippin' Out,

MKH

Perpetual Motion

Guys, I am so sorry that it's been such a long time since I connected with ch'all. A new quarter has begun and it is looking to be one of the best yet. I finally have time to practice!!! My scholastic requirements are manageable and I got residency in Ohio which means I no longer have to work 25-3o hours a week. In conclusion, my life just got a whole lot more productive.

Today is Henry and my 2nd anniversary. It's been a rough year in some ways, but nevertheless I think we have both grown a lot both personally and in the relationship. I appreciate the fact that we can both recognize that we're new at this and young. Still our dedication to each other and too the relationship really proves a certain amount of maturity. I am looking forward to more time together, and finding a balance between taking care of ourselves and maintaining a relationship. Yippie Skippie!

OK, so here's this idea that I've been thinking about- the idea of perpetual motion. In my lesson last week Mr. Henniss introduced me to a new exercise. I was to inhale in a relaxed fashion, exhale completely naturally, and then inhale in the same fashion and play. The idea is to keep the airway relaxed and tension-free. As I did this, Henniss commented on my tendency to inhale, exhale, then stop for a moment, and when I inhaled again there was tension in my breath. Oftentimes I would lie next to Henry as we fell asleep and listened to him breathe. His breath is much more rapid than mine, but it is always in motion. When I exhale, even in my everyday living, I pause and tense before I inhale. I am not going to say anything incredibly profound here, but for me I think about the bigger picture. Perpetual motion. Life never stops and when we attempt to stop the motion we create tension and essentially just delay an inevitability- the next breath. When we try to hold onto something for too long as the world whizzes past us, we create tension in our lives. Similarly when we try to speed things up we end up hyperventilating. A balanced and natural breath and pace in everything we do leads to maximum efficiency, productivity, and in the end creativity. We must try to find a rhythm in our lives and then keep. breathing. Harder than it freaking sounds. So, yeah. That's basically it for now- find a rhythm that reflects the rhythm of life around you. If your life is lyrical, take a breath that reflects that. If it is time for a technical passage, again take a breath that reflects that.

Conducting started. I thought I was awful at first, but now I think I might be alright. No one ever has any criticisms for me except my facial expressions. I guess the fact that there's no criticism about my actual pattern is encouraging. Look out Solti....MKH is on your heels!